


The Pilot

by Sourlander



Series: Unknown Limits [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Finnpoe - Freeform, M/M, OC, POV Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron/Finn Fluff, Stormpilot, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-09-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 02:17:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 51,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6451552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourlander/pseuds/Sourlander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Leave them” Finn’s request was a quiet one, but Poe recognized the urgency behind the words at once. “Or let me throw them away. I can’t stand looking at them anymore.”<br/>Lifting an eyebrow Poe made to throw the garments into a nearby trash can, but Finn held up a hand to stop him.<br/>“Not the jacket.”<br/>With a slight smile Poe pushed the jacket into Finn’s hands, who immediately pressed the leather to his chest.<br/>“It did suit you.” Poe grinned widely. “And maybe someone somewhere can fix it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Der Pilot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5793547) by [Sourlander](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourlander/pseuds/Sourlander). 



> I know, it's another Stormpilot-FF, but I've been avoiding Stormpilot-FFs while writing this one. I started writing it in German and now that I've finished writing most of it and it has been received rather well, I figured I should translate it.
> 
> You might find a minor character I wrote about in a previous short fanfiction (called "Shorty - A Poe Dameron Adventure).
> 
> Enjoy!

** Chapter 1 **

 

His X-Wing went along with the control stick’s slightest movement. The small fighter moved through every manoeuvre effortlessly and Poe almost regretted the fact that the inertial dampeners prevented him from really experiencing the more reckless twists and turns physically. Laughing at his own good luck he shot through the narrow crack in the stone wall and he could already hear the people on the ground groaning in desperation through the Comm.

            “Dameron, we only just upgraded her, don’t break her on her first test flight!”

            “Well, Gehrth,” Poe said grinning when he saw Beebee-Ate’s violent curses on the translator screen. Normally the droid trusted him beyond common sense or programming. “Beebee-Ate isn’t too happy himself. I only wanted to say goodbye to our base properly. By the way: she reacts better than ever. Good work.”

            The engineer’s sigh made his grin grow even wider. Still, he was grateful for the fact that the cameras were only fitted to the ships’ hulls when they were taken out for test flights to monitor new equipment, else they would have taken it away from him long ago. The Bith was just too timid sometimes. “Come back down, already. The new guy woke up.”

            Poe smiled slightly. “And how can I help with that?” He laughed, but shot up into the atmosphere straight away nonetheless. He had gone halfway around the planet and it was high time for him to get back to the base. The fighter flew as well as ever, despite its exertions of its last mission to Starkiller Base.

            Finn was awake. And he had to be there. Finn didn’t know anyone on the base besides him after all.

 

Poe landed his X-Wing and before he could even open his cockpit, he saw that Beebee-Ate had already decoupled from the fighter. His peripheral vision registered the white and orange droid rolling up and down next to the fighter.           

            “Alright, buddy, I’m coming!” Poe called out to it as soon as he had unbuckled himself from the seat and the cockpit’s hatch had shot upwards. He hurried to get out of the ship and climbed down the ladder which had been released from the hull once he had landed. As soon as he felt firm ground beneath his boots he missed the feeling of being inside the stuffy fighter, but he knew that Finn would probably ask hundreds of questions and it would be better if someone he knew delivered the answers. Poe had asked the medics to call on him as soon as Finn woke up so he could be the one. It had been him, after all, who had brought Finn into this situation.

            Poe pulled off the helmet and gave it to one of the ground workers and waved at Gehrth, who was walking towards him at a fast pace. As usual Poe had difficulties reading the Bith’s face, but his tone of voice could not have made his anger more palpable. “Dameron...”, he hissed, making Poe grin. Beebee-Ate rolled against his legs from behind as softly as he could to motivate him to get walking.

            “Yes, I know. Awesome work. Seriously. Will the new control stick be installed into all X-Wings?”

            The small compliment worked miracles as soon as it was uttered as far as Poe could tell. That was new. Apparently a compliment following a risky manoeuvre helped to ease the waves of outrage after apparent recklessness. He had to remember that.

            “As soon as we can get our hands on them.”

            Poe nodded and laid a hand on Beebee-Ates head. “Alright”, he said calmly, making the droid beep faster and more urgently than ever. “I have to go. When are you loading her?” He pointed at the starfighter which would be shipped on a bigger transport with the other fighters to save fuel, while he himself would go on a troop transport with a couple of other pilots, engineers and ground workers who were no longer needed on D’Qar.

            “In a couple of hours,” Gherth answered, his eyes examining the black X-Wing’s hull critically.

            “Okay. I’m sorry, but I have to get to Finn,” Poe said. After Beebee-Ate had rolled around him, he hurried off to the medbay. He had to hurry up to keep up with the droid, who easily found his way through the crates and containers which were stacked in the corridors and were waiting to be sent to the last remaining transporters. “Beebee, what’s going on with you?” The droid seemed to have become quite attached to the former Stormtrooper. He let out a couple of loud and long beeping sounds in response, which made Poe laugh out loud.

            “I’m afraid I can’t do anything about the length of my legs.” Poe had never been sorry about the personality chip and the droids behaviour patterns and even now he wouldn’t give up Beebe-Ate’s nippy sarcasm for all the ships in the galaxy.

            They arrived at a wide door, which opened up to the vast infirmary on D’Qar base. Fortunately all the beds were empty now except for one and Poe spotted the former Stormtrooper right away. Wearing standardized military clothing, he sat on a bed near the entrance. Poe held up his hand in greeting and the medic who had been taking Finn’s pulse heard Beebee-Ate’s happy beeping, turned around with a smile and walked away after a quick but friendly nod at Finn. Beebee whizzed past Poe in a frenzy, mimicking the humanoid expression of excitement perfectly. He approached Finn, beeping happily in Binary, which Finn was probably hard pressed to understand.

            “Hey,” Poe said when he approached the younger man with a slight smile on his lips. He had visited him daily ever since Finn had been returned to D’Qar by Rey and Chewbacca, even though Finn had not been able to feel anyone’s presence. Poe felt responsible for the other man. “Sleep well?”

            Finn grimaced miserably. The artificial coma in which he had been placed during his healing had left visible signs on his handsome face, even though he tried not to show  weariness. Obviously a remnant of the First Order indoctrination, Poe thought, clenching his fists.

            “What does Beebee want?” Finn asked instead of answering Poe’s flippant question.

            Poe followed Finn’s eyes to the round droid, whose sensors moved rapidly from Finn to Poe and back, before he uttered a few quick Binary sounds, which drew out a hearty laugh from Poe. “He wants to know how you are” Poe grinned, abbreviating and editing Beebee’s remark while laying a hand on his companion’s spherical head. Beebee neeeded to shut up, and quick.

            Finn looked at him with a frown, but seemingly accepted Poe’s answer.  The excited young man Poe had met on their escape from the Star Destroyer had suddenly turned into a much more serious person and Poe didn’t like the change at all. “I’m okay”, Finn said quietly, sitting up straighter and pulling another face. The wound which Ren had inflicted on him with his lightsaber had been treated, but Poe had seen the scars on Finn’s back by accident one day as the medics were changing the dressings and he could only imagine how each and every movement would hurt Finn even now. “Where is Rey?”

            Beebee-Ate started beeping away again before Poe could even wrap his tongue around the words he was going to say in answer to Finn’s question. “May I?” he asked the droid sharply. He pulled a stool towards him, sat down on it and didn’t leave Beebee-Ate out of his sight for even a second. “He doesn’t understand a word you’re saying anyway, so it would be better if you let me do the talking.” The long, considerably deeper note the droid was uttering now made Poe roll his eyes before he looked at Finn again, who was staring at him with wide eyes.

            “Is she all right?”

            Poe nodded. “Yes, she and Chewbacca brought you here.” He crossed his arms, wishing for a backrest. “The map to Skywalker is complete. Rey and Chewbacca took the _Falcon_ to get to him and bring him back, but no one really knows when they’ll be back.” He inclined his head slightly and shrugged, not taking his eyes off Finn, who appeared to be very relieved at the news. Of course he was relieved. “You and Rey went through a lot together.” A small smile spread across Poe’s face. He himself had not really talked to Rey before she had left, but from what he had heard about her, he figured that she was a rather exceptional young woman. Just as Finn was a rather exceptional young man.

            Now it was Finn’s turn to shrug. “When I met her on Jakku she wanted to beat me up. Beebee told her I had stolen your jacket.”

            Poe laughed, leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “Sorry to hear that”, he answered. “It’s ruined by the way, as far as I heard at least. The jacket I mean.”

            Uttering a non-committal sound, Finn’s eyes moved towards the narrow bedside table on whose lowest shelf Poe now recognized the clothes Finn had been wearing when he was brought in. “A real shame.”

            With a wide grin on his lips, Poe looked at the young man opposite him. He owed him his life and he knew that the Resistance too would have been a lot worse off if it hadn’t been for Finn. The only question was what destiny had in store for Finn next. “It suited you.” He stated again folding his hands. “Listen, the Resistance is moving on to another base since the First Order now knows where we are and we can’t wait for them to get here with a couple of their Star Destroyers.”

            Finn nodded with a look in his eyes which showed Poe only too clearly what he was thinking.

            “Are you staying with us?” He asked even though he already felt the answer trembling in the air. Still he went on: “You’ve been a great help so far, but no one is expecting you to stay with us just because you deserted from the First Order.” He bit his lip. That might have come out a bit too harsh. He didn’t want Finn to think that he thought Finn couldn’t make it on his own.

            Finn nodded again, like he was used to nodding rather than talking. Slowly he got to his feet. Every movement seemed to hurt him and Poe felt a slight twinge in his stomach. The fact that Finn had gotten off with a slap on the wrist was only too obvious, and Finn still wasn’t entirely okay.

            “How are we getting to the new base?”

            Poe stood up, pushing the stool back again. He approached Finn so the other man could lean on him if necessary and he realized, not for the first time, that Finn’s proximity could eventually become dangerous. He really needed to work on that. “With a troop transport,” he answered, picking up Finn’s freshly laundered clothes. The medic who had treated Finn waved them goodbye from across the room. A couple of droids had already started packing up the portable beds and taking them from the infirmary to be shipped on one of the transports.

            “Leave them,” Finn’s request was a quiet one, but Poe recognized the urgency behind the words at once. “Or let me throw them away. I can’t stand looking at them anymore.”

            Lifting an eyebrow, Poe made to throw the garments into a nearby trash can, but Finn held up a hand to stop him.

“Not the jacket.”

With a slight smile, Poe pushed the jacket into Finn’s arms. Finn immediately pressed the leather to his chest.

“It _did_ suit you.” Poe grinned widely. “And maybe someone somewhere can fix it.”


	2. Chapter 2

** Chapter 2 **

 

 

Something that resembled a punch to the gut tore Poe from a seemingly perfect dream. Fighting for breath he opened his eyes and his hand immediately shot to the flat pillow beneath his head before he could wrap his mind around the fact that he wouldn’t find a blaster there and that it was only Polly who was standing on top of him with her front paws on his belly. With an audible sigh, he fell back onto the mattress and started combing though the animal’s thick fur with his fingers.

            The body next to him stirred, apparently half awoken by his sudden movements. She was still here then. Not a good sign, as far as he was concerned. “I still can’t wrap my head around as to why General Organa let you keep the guy.” Her melodic voice sounded rough and still weary from sleep.

            Poe pushed his arm underneath his head and pulled Polly closer to his body. “Well I’m not part of the Republic’s military anymore,” he mumbled, without pointing out that Polly was a female. Why did she care anyway what kind of personal arrangements he had made with General Organa? Apart from that he didn’t like hearing from others what he knew already. Space and life with the Resistance were not a particularly good environment for a wild animal. He had found Polly a couple of months ago in a forest on D’Qar near their previous base. She had still been practically a baby and only moments before Poe had arrived on the scene her mother had been killed by a huge beast of prey. Poe couldn’t bring himself to leave the small unprotected animal behind and he had grown accustomed to her, with her black, slick fur, amber eyes and pointed ears. He didn’t want to let her go and that was that. Despite everything and against all reason. The fact that the woman next to him even dared to question him in that respect made him angry in a way he couldn’t begin to describe.

            Polly yawned loudly, showing two rows of perfect, white and sharp teeth and a couple of black specks on her pink tongue, before she stretched her whole body across Poe’s chest to lay down on it. The warmth radiating from the animal, whose species was still utterly unknown to him or any database he had checked, was much more pleasant than the immediate proximity of the person next to him whose knee trailed his leg in a seemingly seductive fashion. That had not been part of the arrangement. He had been clear from the very beginning that he did not want to wake up next to her every morning when she had approached him in the cafeteria the previous night.

            “Poe?” His name leaving her lips hadn’t made him feel apprehensive towards her a couple of hours ago. On the contrary. But now the sound made his hair stand on end. Still, he didn’t want to be too rough on her. It wasn’t her fault after all that he couldn’t stand her closeness anymore. He couldn’t give her more than what he had given her last night anyway. The war with the First Order simply didn’t allow time for this kind of thing.

            Poe cleared his throat and looked at her as apologetically as he could. Her dark eyes widened for a moment. She understood. She bit her lower lip and sat up, apparently uncomfortable all of a sudden. The lump he suddenly felt in his throat threatened to strangle him. He hated this. Hated it, when someone expected more of him than he could possibly give. Maybe because he almost never denied anyone anything. But what she apparently wanted for was some kind of relationship and that was absolutely out of the question. But he couldn’t bring himself to say so and he felt sorry about that. He really did, because he couldn’t concentrate on anything like that and she was bound to be aware of that. He wiped his brow with his free hand, while she pulled the sheet around her soft and well-rounded body. If only he cared more about her... But at least she had shifted away from him. Polly had put her head on his chest, looking at the woman who had challenged the very idea of Polly’s presence in Poe’s cabin.

            With a sigh Poe pulled his feet out from underneath the sheet and placed them on the cold floor to make more room for the woman next to him. He didn’t mind getting up in front of her with nothing on, walking towards the refresher with Polly in his arms. One of the many advantages that came with being a Commander instead of just a regular pilot was that he had one of the bigger cabins onboard the freighter with an adjoining refresher to top it all. “Let me make you some room,” he said to her over his shoulder, in a voice which he tried to make sound as friendly and nonchalant as possible before pushing the button which let the door slide shut behind him. He put Polly down on the bright white floor so she could drink from the water bowl and use the small box with sand for her to do her business in. Poe sat down on the floor cross-legged and stroked Polly’s soft fur while she was thirstily drinking from her bowl. For the moment, he had to stay put. Strangely he didn’t dare using the toilet for now. Not as long as that woman was still in the main cabin. Polly pressed herself against his caressing hand and Poe realized with a pang of guilt that he really couldn’t keep this pet indefinitely. The thought of leaving her somewhere however, even if it was with someone who’d take good care of her, made his heart contract painfully.

            After what seemed hours he heard the sound of feet on the floor in the cabin, heard the door leading to the corridor open and then slide shut. Relieved, Poe started breathing normally again and he leaned back against the thin wall while looking down at Polly. She sat up, standing in front of him on her hind legs, the way she usually walked around and looked at him, her head titling slightly to the side as if asking what he was about to do next.

            “If only I knew what time it is...” he murmured as he got up as well. He hit the button next to the mirror and tried not to look into his own eyes before the ship’s status report flashed across the mirror, blocking his reflection. The freighter was going to drop out of hyperspace within the next half hour. They had as good as arrived on the new base. “You’ll be able to get outside again soon,” he told Polly, looking down at her. She was now lying down inside the small shower. From the very beginning she had shown her utter love for the warm water raining down from seemingly nowhere, even though she hated the sonic function. Poe hadn’t been able to refuse her.

            Relieved that he wouldn’t have to keep Polly cooped up on a spaceship for much longer he stepped inside with her and turned on the water. “I think,” he mumbled, still keeping his eyes on Polly, who put up her front paws to catch the water and wash her pointed face, “that I should probably take you to stay with my Dad.” Poe reached for the bar of soap, not really able to enjoy the trickle of water on his back. He was sorry about leaving Polly, but this really wasn’t the life he’d want for any animal. It was hard enough being a fighter pilot for the Resistance without having to constantly worry about a pet even if he loved that pet to bits. He couldn’t be selfish. “I have to go visit him again soon anyway.” He tried to go to Yavin 4 as often as possible, but he knew that he didn’t go often enough.

 

When the ship dropped out of hyperspace Poe made his way to the hangar. Polly was following him at his heels. He had promised General Organa to not let her run around freely on any ship, but he simply couldn’t bring himself to put her in a transport box. She didn’t bother anyone anyway.

            It was as if the universe intended him to stumble in on awkward encounters with her. _She_ was standing in front of the shuttle, which he too was scheduled to be boarding. She seemed to be involved in an intense conversation with a technician. Just as Poe thought he’d be able to slip past her without her recognizing his presence, she turned around and looked at him, pulling up one of her delicate eyebrows as she saw Polly walking behind him. She turned around again and walked inside the shuttle.

            Snorting, Poe rested his hands on his hips while the technician checked the shuttle one last time before take-off. “It’s not all my fault, you know” Poe hissed at her, even though she couldn’t hear him. He was still desperate to vent at least a tiny bit of his frustration with this morning. Why did there always have to be someone around who thought it absolutely necessary to add more complications to this war?

            “What’s your fault?”

            Poe’s head snapped around. Finn. The young man was suddenly standing next to him, his new clothes in disarray but otherwise seemingly happy. Poe had seen him chatting with a couple of pilots the previous night before he himself had left with the woman. All of a sudden his mouth felt incredibly dry. That woman could’ve been Finn’s sister by the looks of her. You’re doing everything wrong, Dameron... he thought, angrily. “Sleep well?” he asked, just as he had done the day before, without even thinking about answering Finn’s question.

            Finn laughed, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “Well it’s a bit weird having a room to myself” he confessed.

            “I can imagine,” Poe said, nodding. “How’s your back?”

            Finn shrugged. “Alright.” It was only too obvious that he didn’t want to talk about it and Poe had to admit that he was a bit relieved about that.

            At his feet, Polly yawned again and stepped onto Poe’s shoes as she did quite frequently when she was tired of walking. She held on tight to his leg with her front paws. Finn’s eyes flew downwards immediately and he raised his brows. “Beebee-Ate has changed quite a bit, hasn’t he?”

            “Finn, meet Polly. Polly... Finn.” He was only all too happy to change the subject again, lifting his leg to bring Polly closer to Finn. “I picked her up some time ago and haven’t had a chance to dump her off somewhere.” He laughed, even though he really didn’t feel like it. Not after what he decided he must do not half an hour ago.

            “Seriously? I mean... she is a wild animal, isn’t she?” It was more or less the same question that woman had asked him but now that Finn had asked, Poe didn’t seem to mind all that much. Finn, he remembered, wasn’t familiar with the concept of a pet, not really. Not as a Stormtrooper. That seemed to take the sting out of the question.

            “It’s going okay, actually,” Poe answered. “At least until I’ve found a better solution.” He looked up into Finn’s face, on which he was surprised to find a smirk. A smirk which unsettled Poe somewhat.  “What?”

            “You seem to have a talent for picking up strange life forms, huh?” Finn shrugged again. The movement didn’t seem to cause him pain anymore. When they had arrived on the transport the day before, Finn had been instructed to pay a visit to the infirmary before going to bed, but apparently everything had more or less healed. Originally, Poe had wanted to make sure that everything was alright with Finn and had wanted to accompany his friend, but Finn had appeared to be quite comfortable with the pilots, especially Jess, and then that woman had turned up...

            Returning the narrow smile, Poe took a good look at the man in front of him. “Maybe. And I can’t seem to get rid of those life forms, can I?” His eyes fell on the shuttle again. “Shall we?”

            Polly’s weight made walking uncomfortable, but he didn’t even try to shake her off. He was even happy about her staying that close so that no one could take offense. With a couple of loud and long beeping noises Beebee-Ate shot towards them as they were walking towards the ship. He had been plugged in on the other side of the hangar with the other astromechs whose pilots were still onboard.

            “Hey buddy, are you ready?” Poe grinned at the droid as he entered the shuttle with Finn at his side. The grin seemed to drop from his face when his eyes fell on that woman again.

            Finn waved at her, apparently recognizing her, and threw a look at Poe as they walked towards the rear of the shuttle. “Why is she looking at you like she wants to slash your face? What did you do to her?”

            Poe snorted again, but he was glad for the bad lighting conditions within the transport. He nodded at a couple of familiar faces, sat down and fastened his seatbelt. Finn sat down next to him, doing the same. Polly immediately climbed up Poe’s leg and sat down on his lap, while Beebee-Ate rolled towards the area reserved for droids in which he would be held firmly on the ground even if they met turbulences when entering the atmosphere. Poe could still feel Finn’s eyes on him and silently thanked the universe for the fact that the seats around them remained empty.

            “I didn’t do anything,” he replied in a whisper, holding Polly tight to his chest. The ship’s access ramp was pulled in and he felt the machines coming to life. “She...” He made a dismissive gesture cutting himself off before his discomfort became too apparent. It would have been weird to tell Finn about what had happened. It was none of Finn’s business, Poe told himself, clearing his throat and looking ahead at the headrest of the seat in front of him, ignoring Finn’s stare as best he could. A feeling he could only describe as embarrassment or shame started creeping up his back and he couldn’t even blink as the shuttle lifted itself off the hangar floor.

            With a frown on his face Finn leaned back. “There was something like stress relief in the First Order.” His voice was so low that Poe thought for a moment that he had heard Finn wrong.

            “Excuse me?” He asked disbelievingly, while Polly curled into herself on his lap and started sucking at his index finger. The feeling moved his attention for a second or two, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off Finn. Did Finn mean what Poe thought he meant?

            Finn shrugged again. “At least for those who had passed a certain rank. Or so I heard.”

            “Huh...” Poe looked back at the head rest in front of him. Stress relief. His throat had dried up again. What Finn had told him, like it was the most normal thing in the world, was more than just a little disquieting. Stress relief... was that what he had done? With that young woman and so many others? Just like the First Order allowed a couple of its officers to do? He pressed his lips together, breathing heavily. This revelation didn’t add to lifting his spirits. Not at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always apperciated ;)


	3. Chapter 3

** Chapter 3 **

 

“My laser canons aren’t working, Black Leader.”

The other pilot’s distorted voice reached Poe’s ears via the small headphones in his helmet. He threw a quick glance at Jess’ X-Wing. “Turn around”, he ordered. “Get your astromech to fix them or return to base asap.”

Jess pulled away from the formation and her place was immediately filled by one of the younger pilots. Everything was going according to plan so far. They were holding the formation and made sure that his sides didn’t remain unprotected for too long.

“Red Two, I’ll give you cover.” A different voice. Poe sighed relieved. They had understood that as well and left no one unprotected. Not as long as it could be avoided at least. They were learning fast.

The sea water underneath their starfighters splashed up in giant sprays as the ships’ thrust pushed it aside and Poe could already hear the technicians’ complaints about salt water on the X-Wings’ hulls. The new pilots in training however had to get used to the immediate vicinity to this new obstacle, which could end their lives if hit with the wrong velocity. His cockpit’s side windows were splashed with giant drops of water, which were being pushed backwards rapidly by his X-Wing’s speed and were immediately replaced by new ones. They were seriously starting to impair his visibility and he could hear Beebee-Ate’s loud protests, which highly resembled screams of outrage, when he intentionally let the bottom laser cannon of his right side dip into the water and immediately had to steer against the water’s impact on his fighter. Moving this close to water at this speed was highly dangerous and his heart skipped a couple of beats when the X-Wing actually threatened to spin off course and hit the steely grey surface beneath him.

“Black Leader, are you alright?” Another one of the new guys. _Well done,_ Poe thought. The new guy had seen the splashes of water in front of him and acted accordingly.

“Technical problem, I’m out.”

There were a couple of seconds of silence, while the four X-Wings were still heading for their goal. For a moment Poe started doubting whether the new pilots had memorized the correct protocol for this situation but then Red Four spoke up.

“I’m taking over.”

Poe nodded and pulled up, only skimming Beebee’s insults on the small screen in front of him. He turned his fighter around its own axis so he was flying next to Jess’ fighter above the two younger pilots who had been joined by a third. They were observing the new guys and their skills from above. The formation he was seeing was far from perfect, but he knew that they would get the hang of it eventually. The three of them raced towards the rock formation at breakneck speed, opened fire all at once blasting the rocks apart while the two X-Wings at the back did not even graze the leader with their laser salves. Poe held his breath until the X-Wings had switched from attack mode to cruise mode and passed through the crack in the rocks which they had been aiming to widen with their laser fire. He sighed in relief. “Okay, well done. Let’s go home.” The Comm issued a couple of distorted agreements from the other pilots, when they all turned around and started heading back to the base.

“Training flight Seven Seven Three was a success” Poe sent his status report to the control room from where the flight had been observed and evaluated so they could provide adequate feedback to the new pilots.

After the First Order’s attack on the Hosnian System the Resistance had become popular with people willing to fight. And Poe knew exactly why. The New Republic had been as good as destroyed within a couple of minutes, or rather the senate and with it the political leadership which had taken years to form after the Empire had been pushed back to the Unknown Regions by the Rebel Alliance had been as good as destroyed. It had only taken a few moments to wipe it off the face of the galaxy and it had gone up in a cloud of smoke which could be blown apart by the merest gust of wind. Most of the Republic’s citizens were terrified of the First Order, which had been largely ignored and underestimated by the senate and media coverage for the most part. When Poe had still been a pilot for the New Republic he had witnessed the danger in which this ignorance could place him for himself and he had witnessed the First Order reaching out for New Republic territories in secret leading up to the moment when he was no longer able to stand the Republic’s inability to act. But he himself, who was aware of the threat to democracy and freedom and belittled the First Order in a way he regretted now. General Organa, the woman of whom his mother had spoken with something bordering on reverence, remembering her time with the Rebel Alliance, had recruited him for the Resistance personally. Poe hadn’t taken too much convincing. What the Resistance was doing was right and that was all he had needed to know. Especially since the Republic’s leadership was too focused on its internal problems than the actual threat they were facing. The resulting apathy towards the First Order had been too much for Poe to take. First the Order had taken Morap from him and then a couple of weeks later another fighter from his squadron.

Morap... Poe didn’t even try to kid himself. Morap had been the reason for him to realize the threat the First Order was posing but also for him to not be close to anyone ever again. He couldn’t risk becoming this weak and vulnerable ever again. Not as long as the First Order existed.

The treeless peninsula on which their provisional base including the camp for new recruits was situated came into view and Poe started his descent. The control room sent him the coordinates for the designated landing area, which he didn’t need as he knew where to touch down in his sleep by now. But they still did it, sticking to protocol and he was glad they did for the new guys’ sake. His X-Wing’s canopy opened up not ten minutes later after a successful landing and Poe was not surprised at all to see that Beebee-Ate had already disengaged from the fighter after having transmitted the flight data to the board computer within mere seconds.

Poe took off his helmet, handing it with a smile and a nod to one of the ground workers and looked up as Gherth approached him in a way that showed Poe that the Bith was quite satisfied with the world around him for a change.

“So everything went just smoothly, huh?” The Bith let his eyes sweep over the ship’s hull and Poe was glad to see that the speed with which they had flown had dried it off.

Poe nodded. “The new pilots have become quite good actually. They reacted really well to our simulation.” He waved at Jess who was getting out of her starfighter which had landed next to his. She greeted her technician with a bright smile and then sent her astromech off. Her Arfour unit was positively ancient in comparison to Beebee-Ate, but no fighter in the Resistance would dare to complain about outdated equipment. Their T-70 X-Wings at least were relatively new.

Gherth nodded. “I don’t think anyone of them even scratched their fighter.”

Smiling Poe slipped off his gloves and then wiped his sweaty forehead. “Anything new around here?”, asked Poe and Gherth shook his head.

“Everything’s fine. Take a break, we’ll discuss the flight data tomorrow.”

“Okay.” His eyes flew towards the sea and the horizon, when Gherth had turned around and left with the ground worker who had taken Poe’s helmet. The rushing of the waves and their splashing against the cliffs below were only now becoming really palpable to him. It always took him a couple of minutes to arrive back on the ground mentally as well as physically. He took a deep breath and waved at the other pilots who had started heading in his direction. “Go change”, he told them as loudly as he could so they didn’t approach him any further. It was not that he didn’t like them, he only felt like he wanted some time away from them. “We’re done for today. Meet me tomorrow morning in the conference room.”

The young recruits, none of them human, nodded and turned around. Poe followed them with his eyes. This was probably one of the biggest advantages the Resistance had over the First Order. An advantage which the First Order would never fully understand, since it had adapted the Emperor’s ideal of favouring the human species. By adapting this golden rule the First Order, just like the Empire before it, made it impossible for anyone of non-human lineage to rise above the station as a servant or, rather, a glorified slave. They were just asking for jealousy and hatred. The Republic’s and its inherent democracy’s strength was its diversity. Its ability to allow everyone to speak his or her mind. Unfortunately a lot of people still hadn’t fully grasped the concept of freedom, even thirty years after the Emperor’s demise. The Empire’s reign had made it easy for a lot of people, because they simply had to obey and didn’t have to think for themselves. The sudden freedom had been a lot to take in for a lot them. In addition, the First Order’s hidden manipulation and promises of wealth had transformed the senate into an idle and sluggish body within the Republic’s government.

Poe turned his back to the X-Wings and stepped closer to the cliffs, Beebee-Ate following closely behind. He sighed wishing Polly was waiting for him in his quarters or somewhere else on the base. About three months ago they had arrived here on Ondjif to set up this provisional base, while they were looking for a more suitable planet. He had taken the opportunity and dropped off Polly at his father’s after a scouting mission. The visit had been a short one. Much shorter than Poe had wanted it to be, but he couldn’t abandon his duties with the Resistance for longer than was absolutely necessary. Additionally he didn’t feel too comfortable entering the house he had grown up in anymore. After his mother’s death, which had shortly followed the loss of his baby sister, Poe hadn’t felt like he belonged on Yavin 4 anymore. His father had tried to keep Poe with him and give him a sense of belonging, but Shara Bey’s example had let Poe feel the need to serve the New Republic and it had finally led him here. To the Resistance.

At least, he told himself, Polly would be okay at his father’s place and his father wouldn’t be alone anymore either. Breathing in the salty sea air deeply, which smelled strongly like seaweed and mud, Poe closed his eyes, his face turned towards the setting sun enjoying the warmth spreading across his skin. His stomach rumbled loudly and Beebee-Ate bumped against his leg affectionately. The gesture came very close to a demand and Poe knew that the droid was right. He had to eat something and he did feel hungry but still he enjoyed taking in the view a bit more than the prospect of dinner. In a couple of days the Resistance’s new main base would be situated on a boring grey planet. In an abandoned Imperial Base in the Mid-Rim and, worst of all, underground. Personally he didn’t like the idea of going there at all, but he was also fully aware of the fact that the First Order would be hard pressed to find that base with superficial scans and that situation was a lot better than the one they were in now, where they could be found in the blink of an eye. Additionally the location of the new base was a highly kept secret and new recruits wouldn’t be brought there straight away. Not now that the First Order would look at the Resistance as a real threat and not just a nuisance and might try to send in more spies. Of course these spies had to be filtered out of the main body of their small army and this base here on Ondjif was perfect for that, since the location was only more or less secret, since it could still be found fairly easily by those willing to join the Resistance.

His stomach rumbled again and threw his thought process off course. After one more glance at the waves he turned around and headed to his quarters to change out of his flight suit before dinner. He really didn’t want to turn up all sweaty in the cafeteria.

 

 

His hair was still slightly wet, when he entered the infirmary wearing comfortable trousers and a simple shirt and he was closely followed by Beebee-Ate. Finn was mostly working here in the infirmary whenever he was not training with the other new recruits. It had become obvious fairly quickly that the former Stormtrooper FN-2187, now going by the name of Finn, was an excellent shot and strategist and most people were hard pressed to beat him in hand-to-hand combat training. Even though Finn didn’t seem to like training with the new Resistance fighters, he was a huge enrichment to their cause and the training sessions.

            Poe stopped under the door lintel and let his eyes wander over what he could see from the infirmary looking for Finn, while Beebee-Ate rolled past him to do the same. Poe’s eyes followed the droid for a moment and then turned his head to the right to another couple of beds and there he spotted Finn who was leaning over the foot belonging to a slender woman. Anxious not to disturb his friend Poe entered the infirmary and set down on one of the empty beds looking for the other healers and droids working here. Luckily they didn’t appear to be too busy and he only spotted a couple of people, who had suffered minor injuries during training and they were busy reading up on reports or watching holo movies. The three other medics working here were sitting in a corner, two of the immersed in a game of sabacc while the third healer was watching the game with a stern expression on his face. Had they taught Finn the game yet? Poe couldn’t imagine the First Order teaching or even allowing any kind of gambling for the Stormtroopers.

            A cheerful laugh gave him a start and he turned around. Poe felt a shudder when he saw that the woman the laugh had come from was the very same whose foot Finn was tending to. Until this moment he had never felt uncomfortable meeting people he had shared the bed with once, but this woman, who had woken up on the freighter next to him, made him blush so deeply that he felt his ears go red. It was positively atypical for him to feel guilty about one night of... whatever. He didn’t even know her name. Not even now. And he felt mortified just thinking about her and now she was sitting a couple of feet from him, her ankle held tightly by Finn who looked up at her with a smile that made Poe feel nauseated. He wanted to leave. Now. But he couldn’t if he didn’t want his presence to be noted right away and then where would he be? At that precise moment Finn turned around to look at him and Poe forced a smile. Beebee-Ate too seemed to have spotted Finn and rushed towards him chirping loudly in Binary, totally ignoring the fact that Finn couldn’t understand a word Beebee was saying.

            “Hey, Poe” Finn said. “I’ll be with you in a second.”

            Poe nodded his mouth terribly dry when the woman looked up  as well and locked eyes with Finn.  He smiled half-heartedly and wished he could simply vanish into thin air.

            “Can I go now?” she asked Finn who nodded and took a step back. The bandage on her ankle looked perfect as far as Poe could tell, even though he had only very little experience in applying bandages himself. “Good. Thanks.” She grabbed her sock, which had been waiting for her on the night stand, and pulled it back over her foot. Finn took another step back, giving her more room while she was putting on her boots. Poe’s eyes were focused on the unused pillow on her bed and it seemed her to take ages to get ready. Finally she let Finn help her get off the bed and didn’t even throw a glance at Poe when she headed off towards the exit. Finally Poe could breathe freely again.

            Finn approached him with something which Poe could only interpret as an impish grin on his face and for a heartbeat Poe thought Finn would throw his arms around him. What it was exactly that scared him about that Poe couldn’t say. He only knew that he had to be careful. Very careful. “Bruised ankle?” Poe asked.

            Finn laughed and put a finger to his mouth. “I’m not allowed to tell you.”

            Grinning slightly Poe got up and looked down at Beebee-Ate who hadn’t left Finn’s side just for a moment and was now attacking him with another salve of beeping sounds. “He’s desperate to tell you how the training flight went and that he was almost sure I’d sink our ship in the ocean. Seriously? I can’t get over how much you trust me, Beebee. You make me look like a fool.” Snorting he tapped on Beebee-Ate’s dome shaped head which made the droid take cover behind Finn.

            “She’s really angry, you know” Finn explained who quickly waved at the medics playing sabacc and then made his way to the cafeteria with Poe.

            Poe sighed. Until now he had gotten around the subject and Finn, who apparently realized that he had entered an area of conversation Poe wasn’t entirely comfortable with backed off.

            “You seem to get along with her just fine” replied Poe with a sharp undertone that took even him by surprise. Beebee-Ate pushed himself between them and moved forward sandwiched between them like a barrier as if he was trying to prevent them getting too close when they were apparently on the verge of an argument.

            Finn made a calming gesture. “I’m just saying it’s weird. She appears to be the only one on base who doesn’t like you.”

            Snorting again Poe hit him on the shoulder playfully. “Maybe she’s the only one who’s really angry with me, but she’s probably not the only one who can’t stand me” he told Finn who was rubbing his shoulder. Beebee-Ate made a sound which closely resembled a hiss. Poe shrugged. He really didn’t care who liked him and who didn’t. He only hated it when someone openly showed their antagonism. “What’s her name anyway?” he asked quietly and Finn laughed.

            “Thesh” he grinned and Poe memorized the name so he could at least try to meet her eye the next time they bumped into each other.

            “I guess she’ll be angry at you for hanging out with me?”

            “Her problem. I don’t care.”

            Poe turned his head to look at the man walking beside him and a feeling of relief suddenly washed over him which startled him just as much as the unexpected fear of Finn’s hug a couple of moments ago. “Huh” said Poe unable to say much more. “Okay...”

            They had arrived at the doors to the cafeteria. Beebee-Ate shot out from between them buzzing towards a table situated at the back of the big room at which Poe and Finn had spent a couple of meals together before. Occasionally Finn still appeared to be overwhelmed when spending too much time in the company of too many obviously different people. At least for a longer stretch of time.

            Since Beeebee-Ate was saving them seats Poe and Finn headed straight to the food counter. Poe spotted three of the new pilots sitting in a corner, their empty trays in front of them and one of them gesticulating excitedly, imitating a flight manoeuvre and another one hitting the imaginary starfighter on the right bottom wing making the make-believe X-Wing shoot straight up into the air. They were laughing and Poe felt a sense of satisfaction just looking at them. A couple of tables away from them Poe spotted Ackbar and a couple of other high ranking officers but apart from those individuals Poe didn’t really know anyone sitting here. Finn and him were late for dinner.

            “Rey will be back soon or so I heard” said Finn with a smile which almost made Poe feel uneasy.

            “With Skywalker?” That at least would be a step in the right direction. To have Luke Skywalker fight with the Resistance would certainly motivate more people to join their cause and give them all a boost of confidence.

            “I don’t know” said Finn. “I think that-“

            “FN-2187!”

            Finn whirled around when he heard the snarky voice and Poe needed a second before he fully grasped what was happening. Finn’s eyes first showed nothing but recognition at the name, then resignation, closely followed by kind of anger which made Poe’s heart miss a beat. The identification the First Order had given the man in front of him and who now went by the name of Finn was still a name to Finn after all.

            Poe gulped and followed Finn’s eyes to the bluish Twi’Lek who, as far as Poe knew, was part of Finn’s training unit and who had arrived only a couple of weeks previously.

            “What?” Finn’s voice didn’t sound entirely insecure and Poe was kind of glad about that even if he saw annoyance about having reacted at all in Finn’s face.

            “Someone just told me that you defected from the First Order. You still listen to that name, eh? Maybe you’re still more a Stormtrooper than-“

            “Hey!” Poe only rarely ever raised his voice, but he just couldn’t stand this. The Twi’Leks tone of voice was a challenge in itself and Poe knew exactly what the other man was aiming for and it made him angrier than he would have believed possible. “How dare you? Do you have any idea-“

            “Poe, leave it...” Finn’s barely contained anger made him whirl around. Finn hadn’t taken his eyes off the Twi’Lek and his lips were pressed together so tightly that they formed a thin line. “He’s right. That was my name once and I can’t just forget that.”

            Poe let his hands drop and took a step back. For just a moment he felt sorry for Finn but it passed as soon as he realized that Finn didn’t even want to hide from his past and Poe simply had to admire that.

            “The name is Finn now and you’d better remember that, pal!” Finn’s voice echoed through the cafeteria and everyone had suddenly gone awfully quiet. Raising his index finger Finn approached the Twi’Lek, still keeping his eyes locked with the alien’s. Poe took another step back to make room for Finn, almost tripping over Beebee-Ate who had appeared out of nowhere. “I” Finn began, “am here now and for good reason. I have no interest justifying who or what I am or was to you! If it’s good enough for General Organa, it should be good enough for you!”

            The Twi’Lek stared at Finn in disbelief with his mouth slightly open but apparently unable to say anything in return. He didn’t even shout anything at Finn when Finn turned around and started heading to the food counter again.

            “Huh” Poe said, raising a hand to his neck. His skin was dangerously hot beneath his finger tips. Not a good sign. Neither was his rapid heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting there. Promise!


	4. Chapter 4

** Chapter 4 **

 

Poe couldn’t keep his eyes off Finn, who was walking in front of him. To say that Finn was simply tense would have been an understatement. They headed for the table to which Beebee-Ate had returned. The droid’s sensors were trained not on them but on the rest of the room. He was looking in the direction in which the Twi’Lek had gone. Poe but down his tray on the table and sat down on one of the narrow chairs. He looked at Finn who was sitting across from him and who was staring at the cooked fruit mash and boiled grain in front of him with distaste.

            “What is this?” Finn asked in the same tone of voice in which he had lashed out at the Twi’lek.

            Poe rolled up his eyes and then looked back at the spot where the humanoid had tried to abuse Finn, obviously hoping to provoke Finn into starting a fight. Right in front of other Resistance fighters and, which was worse, in front of high ranking officers. Finn had reacted well in Poe’s opinion, but the lingering echo of aggressiveness in Finn’s voice concerned him. “He’s gone and I’d be very grateful if you didn’t take it out on me.”

            With a snort Finn let his hands fall on the table top and he averted Poe’s eyes. His shoulders seemed to have lost all the tension they had held a couple of moments ago and slumped forward. Poe felt a lump rise in his throat. Since the encounter not even five minutes ago he hadn’t taken his eyes off Finn, had followed him with strongly mixed feelings and was still unsure about how he felt about it all.

            “I know,” Finn said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

            Poe shook his head and took up his spoon before taking a sip of water. “Don’t apologize to me... or rather don’t apologize. Period.” He dipped his spoon into the white, steaming hot substance in which drops of cooked fruit were almost artfully arranged but didn’t feel tempted to even try it. He let the spoon sink again and put his elbows on the table instead. “These idiots don’t belong here if they can’t accept everyone.” Poe put his chin on his fist and kept looking at Finn who hadn’t even taken up his spoon.

            “They hate the First Order”, Finn said. “For all the right reasons. It’s just.. that I’m not a Stormtrooper anymore, but I don’t belong to the Resistance either. Not really.”

            Poe nodded. It wouldn’t do to explain Finn’s feelings about the situation away. No one would be able to do that and the Twi’Lek’s ambush had shown all too plainly that Finn hadn’t been fully accepted yet. “Well,” he began. “You can try to change who you are until you’re loved by everyone, but I don’t think even you will be able to do that.” He was still highly impressed with how Finn had handled the situation and could still feel the after effect of Finn’s reaction. The overwhelming desire to hold him tight was so strong, that he was glad about the table separating them. He himself was fond of Finn. Maybe too much so. But that didn’t mean that everyone on the base liked Finn. “There are not a lot of people who have a clean slate”, he added. “I don’t even want to know what that Twi’Lek was up to before he joined.”

            Finn still made no answer, but at least his face had lost the strained expression. Poe counted that as an achievement. But Finn still showed no interest in taking up his cutlery. “That’s not what I meant,” Finn said quietly. “And I know that I can’t please everybody. It’s just that this kind of stuff is so damn personal. Or it should be private and stay so.”

            Poe pursed his lips. “I understand. No more Stormtrooper armour.” He grinned slightly, despite himself. “But it’s not as if we didn’t have a uniform.” It was a weak attempt at a joke but an attempt nonetheless. And it worked. The corners of Finn’s mouth lifted slightly and tempted by this minor achievement Poe stretched out a hand and grabbed Finn’s arm. The warm skin underneath his fingers felt warmer than Poe had expected it to be and all of a sudden his heart started beating faster. He should let go, but was unable to do so. Not yet. Especially not when Finn lifted his eyes and met Poe’s gaze.

            _Damn,_ Poe thought. He had not anticipated this. He hadn’t anticipated how it would feel to be almost glued to Finn’s hand. Hadn’t expected the tension in his muscles at this slightest of touches. Hadn’t foreseen the sudden urge to get up and pull Finn into a corner where they couldn’t be disturbed. Ashamed of himself he bit his lower lip and looked away, before he could drown in Finn’s gorgeous eyes. “Eat something,” he said in a voice which betrayed none of the sudden weakness he felt. Without saying anything else he let go of Finn’s hand, took up Finn’s spoon and put it in the other man’s hand. “The stuff is sweet and I’m sure you’ll like it. We don’t get it on a regular basis, unfortunately.” Before he could be tempted to do anything else he pulled back his hand, took up his own spoon and started eating. He didn’t really taste the sweetness unlike Finn, whose eyes opened wide at the first mouthful.

            “Oh!” It was more of a sigh than anything else and Poe laughed. “What is this?”

            “Some kind of cooked grain with extra sweet honey,” Poe explained willingly, grateful for the change of subject. “Some fruit mash on the side...” He pointed at the purple droplets. “Do you like it?”

            Finn nodded and all of a sudden he looked like a kid. Apparently the Stormtroopers weren’t exactly pampered with sweets either. It was a shame really. Sighing like this was the best thing he had ever eaten Finn started digging in. Poe had observed before that Finn was extremely fond of the food served on the Resistance base, but Finn never talked about it. This was the first time. Poe concluded, that talking about food must be looked at as something less than desirable in the First Order and that just felt wrong to Poe. He’d ask Finn about it some other time. Some other time. Not today.

            Before he had even halfway emptied his plate he realized that Finn had finished his portion at breakneck speed. Finn’s eyes roamed the cafeteria. Most of the seats were empty by now.

            “Get some more.” Poe suggested.

            “You want more, too?”

            Grinning Poe shook his head. “No thanks, buddy. You go, though. I think you have a lifetime of sugar consumption to catch up with.”

            Finn pulled a face but got up nonetheless heading towards the food counter with his tray. Poe hadn’t missed the fact that the Twi’Lek and his friends had left.

 

Finn had gulped down three portions and Poe couldn’t help himself but marvel at the obvious delight with which Finn scraped together the last grains on his plate. The enthusiasm with which the younger man devoured the sweet dish was unbelievably satisfying to watch and at least for the moment Finn appeared to have forgotten the encounter with the Twi’Lek.

            When they got up and dropped off the trays at the dish washing station Finn’s expression turned serious again and Poe couldn’t help himself but feel sorry for his friend. Finn had left everything behind he had ever known because he hadn’t wanted to kill for the First Order and still people in the Resistance kept opposing and antagonizing him. The injustice of it all made it hard for Poe to even breathe. Finn hadn’t had to help him. Hadn’t had to rescue him. He could have continued leading his life and been as safe as it was possible to be in times of war. That Finn must have been an excellent soldier was all too obvious and Finn might have even made it in the First Order. At least as far as a lowly Stormtrooper could make it. The fact that Finn had decided against this future of certainty was more than impressive as far as Poe was concerned. Even if Finn’s motifs might not have been entirely selfless. Poe would have died on the _Finalizer_ , the ship on which Kylo Ren had brought him, if it hadn’t been for Finn. No one would have come for him and Poe had known that that ending was a possibility when he had joined the Resistance and signed up for the mission. The operation had to remain as secret as possible and they could not afford open war with the First Order. Or at least that had been the case before the First Order had declared war on democracy and the New Republic. So much had changed since then. What hadn’t changed was the feeling that he’d owe Finn for the rest of his life and feel responsible for him.

            “Poe?” Finn’s voice interrupted his train of thought and only now did Poe realize that he was still standing in front of the dish washing station, absentmindedly staring into space. He took a step back, earning a couple of angry beeping sounds from Beebee-Ate when he bumped into the droid. “Sorry, buddy...”, he murmured, angry at himself for losing himself in memories. “Don’t you have to be somewhere? Charge up or something?”

            Beebee-Ate’s head swivelled around and a series of binary sounds told Poe that Beebee-Ate was determined to stay at Finn’s side in support in case anyone else tried to pick a fight. Poe laughed. “It’s alright, I’ve got it.”

            The droid looked him up and down, turned around and rolled off with a short beeping sequence, which could easily mean “See you later!”

            “Are you done for today?” Poe asked as he was heading towards the exit with Finn.

            “Yeah.”

            It seemed like the short reply was all the answer Finn was going to give. But it also didn’t feel right to just leave Finn standing there so he could go back to his quarters and hide there with his self doubts.

            “Do you want to head off to the bar?” Even though beer was the strongest stuff given out on the base it might be enough for the moment.

            Finn shook his head without saying anything and Poe started to lose his patience. Things hat to change and they simply couldn’t go on like this. He grabbed Finn be the hand and pulled him outside. The sun had set a long time ago, but the air was still pleasantly warm on his face, not much unlike Finn’s skin underneath his fingertips. Poe’s body tensed up again and Poe realized that he didn’t want to feel this way anymore, but still he didn’t let go of Finn, pulling him across the training field in front of the cafeteria instead.

            “Poe, I-“

            “I don’t care.” He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to hear that Finn wanted to sneak off to be alone. If Finn didn’t want to mingle with other people, then that was just fine, but Poe was sure as hell not going to leave him alone. They had just reached the narrow strip of grass between the training field and the landing strip, when Finn pulled himself free with a violent jerk. Poe stumbled.

            “Damn it, I don’t want you to boss me around like this!”

            Poe tensed up when he heard the anger in Finn’s voice, which made him catch his breath. Finn took a step away from him. “Finn...” he mumbled, already missing the soft warmth beneath his fingertips. “That’s not what I wanted to do.” He hadn’t. Giving orders to Finn was the last thing on his mind and he understood exactly what Finn meant. He understood that Finn had not deserted just to be pushed around now, when he hadn’t even fully grasped freedom. Not yet anyway.

            The lights illuminating the landing strip only made it possible for Poe to recognize Finn’s facial features in the semi darkness surrounding them. He saw Finn’s expression change from anger to something which Poe couldn’t put his finger on.

            Finn let himself fall on the springy grass at his feet with a sigh and put his head in his hands. The temporary euphoria about the food had evaporated quickly.

            Unsure about whether Finn even wanted him there, Poe sat down next to him. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I just don’t want you to be alone and brood.”

            Finn sighed again. A sigh which told Poe absolutely nothing about his companion’s feelings. “Don’t apologize to me.” Finn’s voice was so quiet that Poe needed a moment to fully comprehend what the other had said and laughed.

            “So...” her murmured. “I guess you’re really clever, aren’t you?”

            “Well...” Finn rand his hand over his short hair and for just a second Poe caught himself wondering what it would be like to touch it. He pulled himself together quickly. Even thinking about this could be dangerous. Not, because Finn wasn’t just anyone, but his friend. A friend with whom he didn’t want to spend a night and then leave it at that. These two things, friendship and sex had to be kept apart. Especially since Poe had no idea whatsoever about what Finn wanted.

            “Why won’t you just leave me alone? I mean-“

            “Finn,” Poe interrupted him. “The concept of friendship isn’t really hard to grasp, is it. There’s no way you can get out of it now.” He smiled mildly into the darkness and laid back. The grass was getting a bit too long. It tickled his cheeks. “You got me out of there and since then I got to know you and now we’re friends. That’s it.” That wasn’t it. He knew it, but that didn’t mean that Finn needed to know.

            “No, I had friends before, but it was different then.”

            Poe looked up at the man sitting next to him. They were closer than he had thought they were. He could almost feel the warmth radiating from Finn’s body. “What was it like back then?” The impulse to take Finn’s hand again was so strong that Poe had to force himself not to do it. When Finn laid down next to him restraining himself only got more difficult. He couldn’t move away from Finn however without Finn noticing. He could feel the proximity to Finn’s hand. Could feel the tension in his body and told himself forcibly to keep his mind on the conversation and not on Finn. He wanted to touch the other man, but was utterly convinced that he wasn’t allowed to do so. Not when he had called himself Finn’s friend only moments before. Poe looked at Finn and then turned his eyes skywards. One of the systems he could spot from here might be the place where Finn had been raised by the First Order along with friends and a sense of belonging.

            “Well,” Finn said. “They were more like comrades than friends, I guess.”

            Poe flinched when Finn took his hand, weaving his fingers through Poe’s. His eyes shot from the star-strewn sky down at the entwined hands when Finn held them up. There it was again. The warmth which seemed to resonate through his entire being. His heart started racing and he wanted to free his hand, but was unable to even move his fingers.

            “This would have been impossible.”

            Poe’s lips twitched as he looked up at Finn, who was bound to look at the way they were touching in a different light than Poe was. For now anyway. Finn’s eyes were fixed on their intertwined fingers and only when Poe gently squeezed Finn’s hand did he look at Poe. Finn still wouldn’t let go.

            “Rey didn’t want me to hold her hand. But you do?”

            _You have no idea_ , Poe thought, grateful for the semi-darkness obscuring his blushing cheeks. “I think that the circumstances under which you met Rey were a bit different,” he said with a smile he couldn’t keep hidden. He also couldn’t resist tracing his thumb over the back of Finn’s hand. It didn’t have to mean anything. Not to Finn anyway and apparently it didn’t. He shouldn’t forget about Rey either. The thought of her made him feel a stabbing pain in his chest. A pain, which he allowed himself to feel for the first time.

            Finn’s eyes widened again and Poe bit his lower lip. He had gone too far. Poe started retracting his hand but Finn held him tight. “Keep going...”

            Frowning Poe returned Finn’s gaze. “So now you’re bossing me around?” he asked after a while. His heart was beating really fast now and he started caressing Finn’s hand again. He shouldn’t. It was unbelievably stupid to stay here in this situation. He had been here before and where had it left him then?

            Poe’s resolve was shattered to bits, when a grin spread across Finn’s face. He turned around so he was lying on his side but didn’t have to let go of the hand he was holding.

            “It was supposed to be more of a request, actually.” Finn said making Poe smile again.

            “That’s better.” Poe’s voice had gone so quiet that he himself had difficulties understanding himself, but he didn’t dare speaking up. Especially not since he felt how hoarse his voice would be if he did. “Finn...” he stopped. Stopped his voice. Stopped his movements. But still he couldn’t stop looking at Finn.

            “Hm?” Finn raised an eyebrow. Then Poe felt the slight pressure of Finn’s hand on his own. An encouragement to keep talking? But it might only take a word to destroy everything  or keep him from doing what she should. For the Resistance.

            Poe shook his head, not being able to provide a verbalized answer. He was still unable to move.

Finn furrowed his brow and kept staring at him. “What?” Now it was Finn’s turn to try and pull away, but Poe didn’t let go. He should have known better, but he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t let go, even though he knew he should.

“I like holding your hand,” was all he could bring himself to say.

“Okay.” Apparently that was all Finn needed to hear. His shoulders relaxed and Poe watched the tension leaving the rest of his body. “Oh... okay?” Finn’s eyes widened again and as he was looking into Poe’s eyes understanding dawned on his face. For a moment Poe was afraid that Finn would get up and leave, but Finn didn’t even try to free his hand again. “What now?”

These two words symbolized everything Poe was frightened of. They didn’t form a rejection, which was more than he could have hoped for, but they were no invitation either. Poe wasn’t able to handle the one or the other. Not when they were coming from Finn. It all came down to honesty then. “Finn, I don’t want you to feel responsible for anything. Or to feel obliged to do or not do anything for that matter.”

Finn’s laughter echoed in the warm night air and Poe felt his cheeks grow even hotter. “Poe Dameron, you’re not able to control what’s going on with me, are you? What do you want?” The fact that Finn was talking about this so openly was almost too much for Poe to take. He hadn’t expected this and being confronted with it like this didn’t make things easier.

“I don’t want to get myself into a situation in which I can’t even move, because grief is preventing me from it. I don’t want to let the Resistance down.” The words hurt him more than they did Finn as far as he could tell. Finn didn’t even flinch.

“I was under the impression that you guys were willing to take that risk anyway? The situation here is so different from the situation with the First Order. No one is expendable here. Not really.”

Poe nodded, unable to answer. Every casualty was a huge loss, because no one remained anonymous when they joined the Resistance. Everyone could get to know everyone else in their vicinity if they lived long enough. So many friendships were formed here. Really close friendships. Couples were no rarity when it came to that.

“What about your parents? Weren’t they both rebel fighters back in the day?”

This was unexpected. Poe furrowed his brow und looked at Finn.

“I didn’t mean that we... um...” Finn fell silent when Poe shook his head.

He felt Finn’s eyes on him when he looked back up at the stars. His parents had fought for the Rebel Alliance. They had both known what they were getting themselves into whenever they went on a mission. They had known that they might not see each other or their son again. And he himself had been aware of the same thing with Morap. Morap, who had been taken from him in the blink of an eye. In this moment Poe realized with a pang that he still missed Morap and would probably do so for the rest of his life but it would be cowardly to use his death as an excuse. Poe gulped and sat up a bit so he could look down at Finn. “You’re right” he said quietly, allowing himself to enjoy the rapid beating of his heart. He wanted to enjoy it so badly just like he wanted to enjoy the weird fluttering sensation in his stomach, which he had felt a couple of times over the recent weeks whenever Finn had smiled at him and which he had denied himself for too long. Hesitantly he moved closer towards Finn, permitted himself to fully appreciate the other’s immediate proximity. Not as a pastime. Not for pleasure. This was different.

Finn pulled back and just kept staring at Poe who had to support himself with his free hand, suddenly unsure of his actions. He was kneeling over Finn by now, was still holding Finn’s trembling hand in his. Carefully he disentangled his fingers from Finn’s and let his hand slide over Finn’s shoulder and laid it on Finn’s cheek. He had wanted to do this for so long, he realized now with a pang. He finally admitted it to himself, but still the fear of offending Finn, of scaring him away and to fail, persisted. They had gotten closer for weeks, had become friends and now... Finn still hadn’t left. He held Poe’s gaze with a kind of resolution which took Poe’s breath away.

Just for a second Poe’s eyes fell on Finn’s slightly parted lips. His thumb caressed Finn’s cheek and Poe was sure that staying like this might just be enough. “May I?” he asked, suddenly unsure of whether Finn even wanted this.

To see the slight nod was all Poe needed.


	5. Chapter 5

** Chapter 5 **

 

His lips seemed to catch fire just by touching Finn’s. But Finn... Finn didn’t move. He just lay there and let it happen. Poe backed off at once, but before the gap between them could grow bigger than a couple of inches, Finn had buried his free hand in Poe’s hair and pulled him closer again.

            “Don’t go...” Finn whispered.

            Poe, already out of breath, looked down at him with wide eyes, returning the other’s gaze. Only now did he really understand what Finn had been trying to say before. The First Order didn’t allow its soldiers to get close to one another. Not like this. Poe hadn’t really paid another thought to what Finn had said back then, because he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to think about what the Order did to those who tried to defy their rules. Finn pressed his forehead to Poe’s, when he sat up a bit.

            “I’m sorry,” said Poe quietly, unsure about how to proceed. His hand was still resting on Finn’s cheek. He could still feel Finn’s breath on his lips. Could still feel how soft and perfect against his own Finn’s lips had been.

            “Could you please stop apologizing?” The choice of words was harsher than the tone of voice in which they were uttered. Finn’s fingertips lightly stroked over his scalp, making a pleasant shiver run down Poe’s back. This touch was almost enough to stop him from overthinking. Almost. Poe knew that Finn needed time. Time to get used to this and Poe was sure as hell not going to be the guy who went too fast. The first thing he had to remember was that Finn was a lot younger than he was. Finn wasn’t a kid anymore, not at all, the First Order had made sure of that, but Finn didn’t have a lot of experience. Not in the basic things and most certainly not concerning the way Poe wanted it to be between them, which were a lot more complicated and a lot more permanent. The realization about this didn’t even take Poe as much off guard as he had thought it would. He hadn’t been serious with anyone since Morap, not really and the couple of people with whom he had shared a bed with since Morap’s death hadn’t been relationship material and they hadn’t been his only way of coping. He knew that his commitment to the Resistance was not only based on his belief in democracy. It was a big aspect, but by far not the only one. Things with Finn moreover were completely different. And he didn’t want to rush things. If he did... Poe didn’t even want to think about that either.

            Finn freed his other hand and let it slide up Poe’s body. Slowly and almost thoughtfully. It seemed like Finn was unsure about what he was doing and he probably was. Suddenly Poe felt a warm hand on his cheek. On the exact same spot where his hand lay on Finn’s. When Finn’s face drew nearer his breath caught in his chest. Finn had the whole thing under his control and that was exactly how it was supposed to be. This way Poe couldn’t go too fast too soon.

            “You have to tell me if I’m doing anything wrong,” Finn said quietly and Poe only barely managed to hold back a laugh. He bit on his lower lip to keep himself from making an inappropriate sound.

            “I don’t think you’ll be able to do that, Finn,” he said just as quietly and put his hand on Finn’s chest. He felt Finn’s heart racing beneath his fingertips and the warmth radiating from Finn’s body.

            “Hm”, Finn said his fingers combing through Poe’s hair almost playfully. His hands slid down to his cheek, over his eyebrows. Poe stopped breathing for a moment and his eyes fell shut when he felt Finn’s lips caressing his chin, the corner of his moth. A silent sigh broke free from his lips and it cost him every bit of self control he had not to turn his head so he could steal the kiss he so desperately needed.

            Finn pulled back and when Poe opened his eyes he looked into the other’s scared face, who let his hands drop immediately. It nearly felt like an imitation of Poe’s reaction from a couple of moments ago. “I did do something wrong.”

            Poe shook his head quickly, took Finn’s hands into his own and pressed them to his lips. “No, you really didn’t”, he assured Finn. He was almost overwhelmed by the innocence staring back at him through the eyes belonging to the man who hadn’t hesitated to kill his comrades to save Poe and himself. Poe felt his breath being stolen away by those eyes. He couldn’t remember ever being with someone as unfamiliar with this kind of thing. “Maybe you’re just nervous”, he suggested and put Finn’s right hand on his own shoulder. “Just tell me, or show me, if I go too far, okay. And don’t be afraid of insulting me or pushing me away. I’m staying for as long as you want me to and not for a moment longer.” He shut up quickly, suddenly realizing that he had started rambling.

            Finn’s dry laughter might have been infectious had Poe found anything even remotely funny  about this situation.

            “I’m serious.” Poe held Finn’s gaze, absolutely overwhelmed with what he was seeing reflected in Finn’s eyes. A warmth, which spread through his own body in an instant. Curiosity. And a small portion of fear. Very carefully he took Finn’s face into his hands again and let his fingertips stroke over Finn’s tempting lips, which parted slightly at his touch. Finn’s hand on his shoulder twitched, but didn’t order him to stop.

            Poe took a deep breath and reminded himself not to go too fast or too far, before he leaned forward and traced the lines his fingertips and drawn moments ago. It hadn’t happened too often that he had wanted to kiss someone this badly, this urgently but he also couldn’t remember ever being this focused on doing anything. Because he didn’t want to frighten Finn away. Because he wanted Finn to enjoy it. Tentatively Poe pressed his lips to Finn’s, feeling the tingling sensation spread from his mouth to the rest of his body and still he held himself back until he felt Finn relaxing. Slowly and deliberately he started moving his lips against Finn’s and almost hesitantly Finn returned the kiss. It took Finn a couple to heartbeats to find Poe’s rhythm and helped Poe discover a new one. Finn sighed. The sound alone was enough to take Poe’s breath away. It told him that Finn liked it and it encouraged Poe to slowly let his tongue trace Finn’s lips. Finn’s body came closer to his until he could feel their chests touching. Almost cautiously Finn put his hands on Poe’s sides. His heart fluttered in his chest, when he felt Finn’s hands getting bolder as they started exploring his body.

            Already out of breath Poe pulled back, traced Finn’s temple with his lips until they reached the short frizzy hair. He felt Finn’s rapid heartbeat against his own, the warm breath on his skin and closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation of holding him and of being held. This was more. This was so much more. Something he hadn’t had in a long time.

            The sound of static pulled him back to reality with a suddenness which made him dizzy for a moment. The comm. He let out a moan and let go of Finn, looking at him apologetically. This was all wrong. He didn’t want to be disturbed. Not now. Not for anything. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Why? Why now? When he had only just let someone get close to him again. Someone as important as Finn nonetheless. For a few moments he had been the happiest man in the galaxy.

            Finn nodded and Poe answered the comm, which he had to carry around with him wherever he went. “Dameron.” He had disabled the projection function. Sound would have to suffice.

            “Commander, we’re evacuating. Our sensors have picked up Star Destroyers. We don’t have more than twenty minutes until they get here.”

            Finn looked at him with wide eyes and Poe’s heart missed a beat. Twenty minutes wasn’t a lot of time. Not at all. Not long enough to get everyone off base safely anyway.

            “All squadrons have been called to duty. We’re leaving the lights out to guarantee as much visual cover as possible.” At the exact same moment the voice reached them, all lights surrounding them went out.

            “Alright,” Poe said as calmly as he could, but his hand was buried in Finn’s shirt. Not now, was all he could think. “I’ll be there in a second. Get the X-Wings airborne. The new ones as well. We’re going to need every starfighter up there with the First Order coming for us. We need to escort the transports until they can make the jump.”

            “We’ve reached that conclusion as well. The coordinates to the rendezvous point have been uploaded to the navcomputers. Good luck, Commander.”

            Poe took a moment to get his breathing under control, when the comm had fallen silent. “I’m sorry,” he said again, pulling Finn’s face towards his again and kissing him quickly. He wouldn’t have been able to go without this. Not when he would be worrying about Finn constantly anyway. Not now. Never again without worrying. The thought was almost thrilling.

            “Just promise me, that we’ll take it from where we’re leaving it right now.”

            Finn’s optimism made him laugh despite himself. It didn’t lift the heavy weight suddenly resting on his shoulders, but laughing made him feel a bit better even so. “Right away”, Poe promised, wrapping his arms around Finn’s neck and kissing him again. He had to take this moment in. Had to fully appreciate this kiss, which was too short for his liking. Too short and with a shadow of fear cast over it which made him feel like he had already lost what he had just found. In the distance he heart running feet approaching, heard the excitement, which was driving Finn and him apart.

            “I... I have to go to the infirmary and help... help with the packing,” Finn mumbled and Poe shook his head vehemently.

            “No time”, he whispered. “We’re leaving everything we can replace.” That at least was the protocol they’d put in place for this kind of situation. “You’ve already been assigned to a transport, Finn.” He heard the panic in his own voice. Panic which he could neither give in to or control.

            Finn nodded and Poe felt disconcerted when he realized that someone like Finn shouldn’t be even able to forget an emergency protocol. Before Poe could really pull away Finn had grabbed him again and pulled him into a kiss, which made Poe’s heart race even faster and which promised so much that he couldn’t fully grasp. With an effort he let go of Finn.

            “See you at the rendezvous point, Finn.” Poe got to his feet and pulled Finn up with him.

            “Take care.”

            “You too.”

            Before Finn could say anything else, before Poe could lose himself fully in the other’s eyes, he turned around abruptly and ran towards the hangar. Halfway there he saw Beebee-Ate racing towards his X-Wing and Poe forcefully pushed every thought of Finn aside. He sprinted into the hangar and quickly put on a flight suit that looked like it was his size. He immediately found his helmet sitting on top of a shelf. All around him he spotted familiar faces. Pilots who either had to come through their baptism of fire or walk on familiar terrain now. He nodded at them. From the corners of his eyes he saw technicians fuelling up the X-Wings and going through rudimentary safety checks before heading off the bigger transports stationed on the ground. They would be able to get the entire personnel off base, there was always enough room for everyone, it just wouldn’t be entirely comfortable. The regret about what they would have to leave behind in their haste mingled with the relief of having taken Polly to his father’s place. He would never have been able to get her to his starfighter on time.

            He was the first sprinting in the direction of the X-Wings and putting on his helmet. Everyone else was right at his heels and within a couple of moments all pilots were onboard their planes. “Red and Green squadrons, you’ll be escorting the _Corvette_ until she has made her jump to light speed, after that you’re escorting the other ships”, he said into his microphone while skimming the status report Beebee-Ate was sending to his screen and starting the engines. This was familiar. To him and every other pilot. He was just glad to have had the opportunity to train with the new guys before this. Whether the First Order had guessed their current location or whether someone had betrayed them would have to be investigated later. He heard the other pilots’ confirmation as they lifted off the ground.

            “Gold and Blue Squadron, you’re coming with me. Let’s give the Order a welcome they will never forget.” They weren’t nearly enough pilots for this. Twelve X-Wings wasn’t enough against three Star Destroyers. Not to defeat those Star Destroyers which Beebee-Ate showed him on his screen, relaying information he had received from command. No. It had to be enough. It just had to be. These twenty four X-Wings were all they had. The other twelve would have to escort the transports.

            “Roger, Black Leader.”

            “Good luck.” General Organa’s voice reached them all through the comm and Poe felt how her voice alone gave him a boost of confidence. They had all made it this far. They would get out of this one as well. Somehow.

Before they even broke through the atmosphere his sensors picked up Tie-fighters heading towards them at breakneck speed. “Awesome.... here we go.”


	6. Chapter 6

** Chapter 6 **

 

He could almost see the faces of the pilots racing towards them in their Ties. He could almost feel the ease with which the starfighter could be manoeuvred and the speed with which it would shoot through space. He could almost imagine himself inside one of those cockpits again. Finn in the seat behind him.

Poe forced himself to breathe normally. This was not the time to think of Finn. And it was not the first time for him to think about the fact that individuals just like Finn were facing him in this situation and he had to remind himself that he had to survive this. Survival of others might depend on his. Finn was in neither one of these Ties. He bit his lower lip. They were only people who were much like what Finn had once been.

 

_Morap’s bright smile drove everyone else celebrating in the huge room out of his mind. Poe would have recognized it everywhere. He pushed through the crowd, pushed people aside who wanted to congratulate him, to get to the man who made his heart beat faster. Morap, who was looking at him as openly as ever, took a couple of steps towards him and pulled him into his arms. Poe took a deep breath, relishing in Morap’s presence with closed eyes._

_“Commander Dameron! I guess I have to start rehearsing my curtsy, eh?” Morap laughed loudly and slapped Poe on the back. When his lips almost accidentally touched Poe’s cheek they left behind something which made Poe want more._

_“Don’t you dare!” Poe grinned, when he let go of his boyfriend without really wanting to. Morap caught his eyes, while others slapped Poe on the back now and Poe let himself be pulled back into the celebration. It took ages before he could bring himself to break eye contact with Morap. He was glad that he could celebrate with each and every one of the people surrounding him._

_Still grinning he looked at those who only celebrated themselves through his promotion. Commander... he would have to get used to this title himself. He wasn’t a bad pilot exactly and he got along with most people, but he felt like they deserved this party more than he did, since they were the reason he had gotten the promotion in the first place. He would be nothing without the team._

_“Come on, I’ll buy you a beer!” he shouted across their heads and started pushing the others towards the exit. Their old commander had retired and now they were his team. His people._

_The others pushed past him on the way to the bases’ exit and Poe let himself fall back until he was walking next to Morap. It didn’t take long until they were walking right at the back. When they passed a narrow service corridor Poe grabbed Morap’s hand and pulled him inside. He was already out of breath. With unnecessary haste he stroked through the other’s reddish hair and looked into those dark brown eyes with a longing, which  almost hurt._

_“Hey, I thought you wanted to buy us a drink, Commander!”_

_“Hush!” Poe said, putting a finger on Morap’s lips. “I want to celebrate with you. Just the two of us.”_

_Morap returned his gaze thoughtfully while Poe caressed his lips with his fingertips. Lips which he had kissed so often. He stroked the outlines of the angular face in front of him, which was better known to him than his own._

_“I’m so damn proud of you, Poe.”_

_Morap put his hands on Poe’s sides and pushed him back, so that his back was presssed against the solid wall and with an almost inaudible sigh Poe put his arms around him, pulled him closer towards him and returned the kiss he would only break away from if he absolutely had to._

He headed for the Ties at breakneck speed, avoided laser salvos shooting straight at him by only moving the control stick as little as possible and turned to the side at the very last moment so Jess, who was flying directly behind him, could blast away the Tie-fighter with a single shot. At the same time he opened fire at the Tie-fighter which had been flying directly next to the one Jess had just gotten rid of. The fireball amidst the vacuum of space when the fighter exploded only blinded him for a fraction of a second. He didn’t feel triumphant. Nothing about this, nothing about killing an enemy did. He only felt emptiness and fear about what would happen, if they were unable to stop the Ties and the Star Destroyers. He hadn’t asked on which transport Finn would be with very good reason, because he had to keep his mind on the task at hand. Because he didn’t want to wait for the announcement that this specific ship had been able to make the jump to lightspeed.

            His throat was tight, as he ordered the new guys to not stay within the formation in order to provide less opportunities for the enemy to find chinks in their armour by flying as unpredictably as possible. “Don’t fly in a straight line, so they can’t track you, but make sure to provide cover for the others if possible.”

            “Roger, Black Leader.”

 

_He had never seen this particular tone of red in anyone else’s hair. Only in his. He turned around on his side so he could watch the face, which on the pillow next to him. The thin blond eyelashes, the slightly disproportionate nose with the telling spot along its bridge, which revealed that it had been broken once. When he had been thirteen some other boy had punched Morap on the nose. That had been among the first things Morap had ever told him. Back, when they had barely known each other and when Morap had been very keen on impressing Poe. It hadn’t taken too much of an effort._

_Morap was asleep and Poe was grateful for the opportunity be allowed to watch him in this state. This man was the first person outside of his family with whom he had ever really felt a deep connection. To whom he felt bound. Whose quiet snoring made him want to close his eyes and join in the steady breathing. The need to stretch out next to this man and just fall asleep was so overwhelming that Poe could barely resist the urge to close his eyes. It would mean giving up this moment. It would mean to give up looking at the hair, which was still a bit damp from sweat and clinging to Morap’s forehead and the slightly parted lips, from which the entrancing sounds were coming. Those lips, which he would never not want to kiss._

 

In front of them he could see one of the three massive Star Destroyers drawing closer. An enemy, who appeared to the X-Wings like a giant might to lice. But they had managed to blow Starkiller Base to smithereens. That at least was something which should encourage them. But they had been able to take on Starkiller Base in a surprise attack and even then they had lost so many fighters. Poe didn’t even want to think about what this might say about today.

            Beebee’s warning, which was coming through his helmet, almost made his ears ring. “I know, I see them.” Poe pushed the control stick down as quickly as possible and had to remind himself of what he had told the others and not fly in a straight line in order to avoid the laser salvos from the Ties. The control stick was like an extension of his arm and for the first time he really appreciated the fact that the technicians had been able to fit out every X-Wing with the new equipment.

            “I’m on him, Black Leader.”

            Poe turned abruptly to the right, but he couldn’t lose the Tie which was closing in and Poe had no chance of getting right of it. He felt the insides of his gloves soak through with sweat. He pressed his lips tightly together and tried to shake him off by rolling over counter clockwise, but that only saved him from the laser fire, not from the pursuer itself. “Blue Thee, I could really use the help...” His murmur was followed by affirmative beeping from Beebee-Ate.

 

            _“Poe, you’ve had enough.”_

_“Nope. Not really.”_

_“Damn you, Dameron! I’m fed up with this! Stuff like this happens!”_

_A voiceless sob issued from his lips. A sob which seemed to tear him apart from the inside and break him apart in the process. Not for the first time. He still managed to down the next glass of whiskey, even though he knew that he was not particularly good at holding his liquor. He never drank. Nothing stronger than beer and never more than a bottle or two. This was more than atypical for him. Moreover he knew that Morap was right. “I could have done something about it.” Poe wasn’t even surprised about the fact that he himself could barely recognize his own voice. He waved at the Er’Kit behind the counter to fill up his glass again. He needed it. Maybe especially because he couldn’t handle it._

_“No, you couldn’t! You can’t take this out on yourself. The smugglers were too quick for Heeth, that’s all.”_

_Poe snorted and grabbed the small glass the barkeeper placed in front of him. His eyes were burning, but no tears were coming. Heeth was only dead for a couple of hours and Morap was talking about it like it had been weeks since the smugglers had disabled Heeth’s X-Wing in the middle of an asteroid field._

_Before the glass could touch his lips, Morap had ripped it out of his hand and emptied it himself. “I’m taking you to bed. The New Republic is going to need its best pilot tomorrow.”_

_Protesting and resistance were futile. Poe didn’t have the power to fight back, when Morap put his heavy arm around Poe’s shoulders and dragged him off the bar stool._

“The _Corvette_ just jumped to lightspeed.” The voice from command made Poe breathe a sigh of relief and when, in the next moment, the other pilot’s voice told him that the enemy Tie had been neutralized he even managed a smile.

            “Alright, let’s keep going.” He pulled his starfighter back up , saw the green and red laser salvos streaking through the vacuum of space and felt his heart sink. There were too many of them. Too many Ties. Too many canons fixed to the Star Destroyers and Poe realized that they barely had a chance to make it out of this alive.

            “Blue Three,” he addressed the X-Wing pilot who was heading back to the heat of the battle on his right. “Stay on my right, we’re taking out as many cannons as we can.”

            The silence on the other end of the line made Poe doubt his decision to trust the new guy for a second, but for the moment they were out of reach from new attacks and this was their much needed opening at an offensive attack.

            “Roger, Black Leader.”

            Poe nodded, turned around and shot towards one of the Star Destroyers. As soon as they were near enough the gunners opened fire at them and Poe had to make sure not to fly in a straight vector just like the pilot next to him. He felt his heart beating in his throat, felt the adrenaline pumping through his veins as he shot underneath the Star Destroyer’s belly, weaving in and out through unidentifiable structures and aiming at every cannon he could see, while Blue Three, whose real name Poe couldn’t remember for the life of him, shot laser beams at the Destroyer’s surface, missing every significant target in the process. Apparently Blue Three had miserable aim.

            Within a couple of seconds they had reached the Destroyer’s stern. The X-Wings shot out from underneath the exhausts and turned around to engage in another attack. The next moment Tie-fighters had appeared out of nowhere and were closing in. The speaker in his helmet announced other transports had been able to make the jump and he felt himself relax a bit. Most of the remaining fleet had made it to safety. For now anyway.

            Poe took cover from the approaching Ties under the ship’s massive body, when he saw the X-Wing next to him not blow apart the next ion-canon but scraping alongside it. For a second Poe thought the pilot had everything under control but then saw Blue Three going into a tailspin and the unknown pilot collided head on with the ship’s hull.

 

_The gaping emptiness made him lose his mind. That’s what it felt like anyway. He hoped that that was what was happening._

_Morap... Morap was gone. Had been taken from him. Ripped from his side and left him with nothing. It hadn’t even taken a second to end his life and Poe knew that this second, which hadn’t even been a whole one, would haunt him for the rest of his life._

_For a moment, for just a moment, he was tempted to do it. To jump. The hangar building was high enough. No one was here to stop him from doing it. No. Of course no one was here. Morap was gone._

_Poe stared at the bottle of whiskey next to him. He hadn’t had a drink since that night after Heeth’s death. He wondered if the amber liquid might be enough to stop the hurting this time. To stop the pain tearing him apart and echoing through him, making him feel like nothing had happened. Nothing at all. That only made it worse, because the knowledge could not be erased and missing the feeling while knowing was infinitely worse. He had never felt like this before. Not even when his mother died, had he felt so alone. Lonely and full of hatred at the First Order, which no one but a couple of people appeared to take seriously. The First Order not only stole one merchant vessel after another, but also committed murder right under the Republic’s nose._

_His eyes fell shut without him ordering them to do so and he was relieved not to be forced to stare at the world anymore. This world, this galaxy which already appeared to have forgotten everything about Morap._

_Beneath his feet there was nothing but air and only fourty metres below there was the cold, hard concrete of the landing platform. It could be so easy. Way too easy. And the temptation to just give in, to put an end to this pain and let himself fall into emptiness was too great. Far too great._

_A quiet beeping sound behind him made him turn around. The spherical droid approached him slowly, apparently just as unable to tell where to go from here as Poe was. Like it felt out of place, too. “Hey...”, he said quietly. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you want from me.”_

_Another beeping. Long and almost like a disappointed wailing. The next sequence was almost overwhelming and Poe nearly felt like the droid was accusing him of something. He snorted. “Beebee-Ate, right?”_

_The bowl-shaped head turned around on its axis once and then the droid rolled closer towards him until the white and orange body was next to his._

_“You know...” Poe said slowly, “my astromech got blown to bits in the attack.” He didn’t even really know what made him say this. Beebee-Ate had been undergoing maintenance when Morap had been killed.  The droid had lost its master. But still. It was just a droid, what could he possibly have to talk to with an astromech. But it was true. His own Astromech, an Arsix-unit had been damaged beyond repair._

_Beebee-Ate’s head shot around and his sensors seemed to observe him attentively. The droid had been upgraded quite a bit, either by Morap or someone else. Poe only knew that Morap had been quite fond of the droid and Poe had never been able to understand why. These upgrades, especially in personality programming, were probably the reason why the droid was here in the first place._

_Poe shrugged and wiped his face with his hands. The tears were still streaming down his face and he was sure that they weren’t going to stop burning in his eyes for quite some time._

_The bottle of whisky slid from the edge of the roof, fell down and Poe held his breath before it crashed on the ground. “Shit, that thing could’ve killed someone!” He got up quickly. No one had seen them. “Beebee-Ate...” Poe stopped and then looked down at the droid. “We should go.” He turned around and the droid was right at his heels. They had to get as much distance between themselves and this place, before anyone could guess that he had been here and thrown the bottle off the roof. “How about a new job, buddy?” The words didn’t come to him easily. Not at all. But it only felt right to take care of Morap’s droid. It didn’t fill the void. It didn’t ease the pain. But at least he wouldn’t be entirely alone._

Poe cursed under his breath when the first news of losses on their side reached him. The message about the next transport getting away only barely managed to calm his raging fury at this needless waste of life. And then he physically felt his starfighter slow down. Beebee-Ate’s sound of protest echoed in his ears, but Poe couldn’t see whichever data the droid was trying to put through to him. The display in front of him had died. His heart dropped when he saw the Ties shooting past him, and all of a sudden he was fully aware of what had happened.

            “Oh shit...” How could this have happened? To him? His throat was tight and he put his hand on his breast pocket. Nothing. This suit had apparently been intended for recruits and there was no poison pill in here. He gasped. He couldn’t even contact his squadron. All systems had been shut down by the Star Destroyer’s tractor beam.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry this took so long! I had to finish writing a paper and uni has started again, so I'm really busy atm. But I'll try to post at least one chapter per week from now on!

** Chapter 7 **

 

Beebee-Ate was offline. Poe assumed that the tractor beam had not only rendered his ship unable to fly but had also shut down all systems, including Beebee-Ate. He felt his heart pounding wildly in his chest. Through the canopy overhead he could already see his X-Wing passing through the open hangar doors. He could see what was coming for him in his mind’s eye. He had gone through this before but this time there would be no FN-2187 to save his neck. No Finn. Finn - no! He couldn’t think about him. _Just don’t!_

His hand was trembling as he reached for the blaster in the holster attached to his flight suit. The destination, the coordinates to the new Resistance Base were saved on the navcomputer. He didn’t hesitate for a moment longer and shot one laser blast at the apparatus between his feet and immediately wished he had aimed the weapon at himself instead. The smoke and blazing flames erupting from the consoles in front of him consumed all the oxygen in the cockpit within a fraction of a second. A heartbeat later, before he could even wrap his mind around the fact that he’d have to end his own life next in order to save the new base, the canopy overhead was blasted open. He had not pushed the button. When the Stormtroopers grabbed him by the arms and lifted him upwards he couldn’t do anything but cough and try to pump air into his lungs at the same time.

            “The prisoner shot the navcomputer.” The information was spoken into a comm, while someone wrestled the blaster from his hand. Poe didn’t have it in him to fight anyway. Struggling for breath and choking at the same time he blinked into the bright light illuminating the hangar. It was unnerving to recognize that this scenario was perfectly familiar. He still dreamed about his, but the pang of terror, the unnerving mortal fear, which always woke him up in the middle of the night, didn’t make him tremble now. It felt like this was more of a dream than the actual nightmare. He wiped his teary eyes with his hand. The ramp on which he was standing now was the only way to go to get away from the burning cockpit. The barrel of a blaster was pushed into his back. Poe looked to the left, to the right and turned his head to look over his shoulder. Beebee-Ate was still immobilized and the sight was almost too much to bear. It was harder to look at his droid in this state than to fully accept that he had been caught by his enemies once again.

            Poe’s eyes and lungs seemed to be on fire and he found it difficult to walk in a straight line as he was led down the ramp towards the two Stormtroopers waiting for him. The last time he had been this close to Stormtroopers one of them had turned out to be his saviour. That would not happen today.

            His legs felt like lead as they cuffed him and escorted him away from the X-Wing. Poe didn’t look back. He couldn’t stand it. The ground shook beneath his feet. His squadrons had apparently started to attack the Star Destroyers in earnest. Good. With a bit of luck they might be able to take out this one and himself along with it. He barely felt the cuffs. He didn’t see anything but the back of the white helmet in front of him as he was escorted down an eerily familiar corridor. His heart was pounding in his chest. Was he back on the same Destroyer?

            Poe bit on his tongue to keep himself from saying anything as they reached their destination and the door was opened. The cell looked the same and he felt like no time had passed since they had shoved him in here the last time and pressed him against the chair. The chair in which he had offered the Resistance’s secrets once before without being able to defend himself or his mind. And this time he wouldn’t be able to resist as long as he had back then. Even then he hadn’t been able to hold out for too long. Not against Ren.

            The bindings felt incredibly tight on his ankles and wrists and before Poe even realized what was happening the Stormtrooper standing in front of him had hit him in the stomach with his fist. Tears came to his eyes and he was unable to stop them as he was gasping for breath. He could still taste the smoke on his tongue. “Hey, don’t you think that’s a bit too much?” He couldn’t help himself. To take everything and not say a word seemed to be impossible. He had lost everything. The Resistance thought him dead. The situation was more dire than it had been on Jakku a couple of months ago, when they might have assumed that he had been taken by the Order. What was happening to him now was as good as a death sentence.

            “Shut up!” hissed the Stormtrooper and took a step back. Poe wished for nothing but Finn’s company. His protection. His ability to make him feel safe. Finn could get him out of here. But Finn was far away. Far, far away. Finn was safe. At least he and everyone else was safe for as long as Poe could keep the location of the new base a secret. He felt his enemy’s eyes rest upon him as the ship shuddered again.

            “It seems you have bigger fish to fry. Tying me up can’t possibly be your main duty.”

            The answer to this remark was the painful collision of a fist with his cheekbone. He couldn’t hold back a groan. The white armour on the back of the Stormtrooper’s hand cut into his skin and he could immediately feel blood trickling down his cheek. His stomach clenched as he looked up at the faceless man in front of him. He was familiar with this as well. More familiar in fact than he wanted to be. They would beat him for as long as it took to soften him up and then, just like last time, the person who would be able to obtain all the information they could possibly want from him, would show up. Poe took a deep breath and closed his eyes. It was no use to fight against his restraints. No use to attack the soldiers in front of him with sarcastic remarks.

            “Name?”

            Poe snorted. His head was pounding already. He still managed a cheerless smile as he met the gaze of the man hiding behind the mask. He was unable to utter a single word. Not now. Not yet. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears as he shook his head and prepared for what would come next.

 

 

The familiar sensation of a ship jumping to hyperspace beneath his feet dragged him from a dreamless sleep which resembled a blackout more than anything else. He felt sick to the pit of his stomach and at the same time his lips and tongue felt like parchment. How much time had they taken to work on him? At the time it had seemed like an eternity to him, but it probably hadn’t taken them more than one hour to get him into this state. Maybe less. He could only open one eye. The other was swollen shut and stuck together with his own blood. What little he could make out in the semi darkness of the cell didn’t manage to cheer him up in the slightest. Black walls, a couple of consoles whose function he didn’t even want to know anything about and whose lamps emitted dim white and red lights. All was quiet. Was that a good sign? Poe didn’t know.

            He tried swallowing, but couldn’t bring his muscles to obey him. His throat was dry as it had never been before. When had he lost consciousness? After or before they had left him alone? Had his losing consciousness made them go away? Carefully he licked his dry lips. Nothing. His mouth was too dry. The taste of iron still lingered on his tongue and he was barely able to keep himself from retching. His skull seemed to still ring with the pain of the beating and the smoke. Why had they even allowed him to black out? They certainly knew ways to keep a prisoner awake, even though his body might try to do anything to relieve the tortured mind. At least he hadn’t revealed anything. Just like last time. Nothing. Not even his name. His eyes flew to the small needle sized wound in the crook of his left arm. They had taken some of his blood and by now they most likely knew who he was. No, it wasn’t just likely, it was highly probable. They knew he was Poe Dameron. Commander in the Resistance. One of the pilots responsible for blowing up Starkiller Base. The one who had managed to get away from them once and now they’d make sure that a thing like this would never happen again. He didn’t even try fooling himself into a false state of security. No one knew where he was. No one would come or him. The Resistance must think him dead. The explosion following Blue Three’s collision with the Destroyer’s hull could just as easily have wiped out his fighter as well. Not a second afterwards his own X-Wing had gone offline. At least the transports had been able to make the jump to hyperspace before the First Order could cause any serious damage. Jess must have assumed command of the squadrons and Poe felt relief wash over him as he imagined his place being filled seamlessly by her.

            Poe closed his eyes and leaned his head back. He could only hope that the First Order had been unable to follow the Resistance’s fleet. Not immediately anyway. For the next couple of hours at least the Resistance and their new base would be safe. They wouldn’t be able to salvage any information from his navcomputer or from Beebee-Ate who hadn’t been equipped with the planet’s coordinates. Poe was glad about that, but he still felt a pang when he thought about the droid, who was most likely being taken apart at this very moment or had been dropped down a garbage chute already. Not only the fact that Beebee-Ate had grown on him because of his personality programming, but the memory of Morap was connected to the droid as well. Beebee-Ate had belonged to Morap after all and Poe had felt responsible for the astromech. It felt weird to even think this, but Poe not only felt responsible for his companion, but also like he had gained, and now lost, a close friend. He tried to swallow again, but still was unable to do it. His eyes were still burning and Poe doubted whether the situation would improve with no drink of water in sight. It was like he had lost Morap again. First Morap and then Finn on top of that. He had only just managed to accept his feelings for Finn and act upon them when the world had turned upside down. Being with Finn was different and nothing that came to him easily. Trusting and acting upon instinct were things he had to learn anew and he wanted to do everything just right with Finn. And now Finn’s life depended on his ability to hold his tongue.

            Angry with himself he banged his head against the metal head rest and realized with frustration that he wouldn’t lose consciousness again. Finn... he had to keep going for Finn. The thought of him might help Poe get through the worst of this. The thought of the kiss and the urge to preserve Finn’s life. It was the only thing to do and the only thing on his mind: to give Finn a chance to start over; to start a life far away from the First Order and war. Poe was determined to give Finn that chance and the only thing that could guarantee that chance was Poe’s ability to resist the Order’s questioning. At least for as long as it took the Resistance to regroup.

Then, with a bit of luck, everything might be over quickly. Maybe they wouldn’t even do it publicly. He might even die during the questioning. That, Poe thought, was an eerily calming thought.

 

 

Hours passed. Hours in which Poe couldn’t help himself but look into a future which seemed to be growing darker with every passing moment. He felt the ship landing, probably to be inspected thoroughly by technicians and his thoughts immediately raced to the X-Wing which was probably being unloaded at this very moment so even more technicians could try and salvage as much information as possible. Immediately doubts started to creep up on him and he couldn’t do anything but hope that he had destroyed the navcomputer beyond repair.

            He wondered why they had left him alone for so long and hadn’t continued the interrogation. The only people he had seen, had been two Stormtroopers who had entered the cell and had pushed water and some slimy liquid, which was apparently their idea of food,  down his throat with a metal tube. The procedure had been humiliating enough, but when they had assisted him in relieving himself he had been glad, for the first time in his life, not to be able to see the faces behind the masks. Thinking about that moment still made him ill and he wished he could forget about them touching him in a way that made him want to vomit. But he couldn’t stop reliving and the fact that he couldn’t only confirmed his suspicions that it had been part of the entire process. That’s how they broke their prisoners.

            When the door opened again and all he could see were five Stormtroopers and no torturer, he didn’t know what to think. Should he be relieved or nervous? It might have all been easier if he didn’t care but the thought of Finn kept him on his feet, as they removed the restraints keeping his body in an upright position and grabbed him by the arms before leading him out of the room.

            “May I ask where we’re going, lads?”, he asked with a small remnant of a cocky smile on his lips. He was utterly unable to do more than that.

            A short poke between his ribs as they entered the corridor was the only answer he got.  He’d most likely have to do without answers altogether from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what do you think? :)


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

 It was all too apparent that the Destroyer he was on had landed. The soft vibrations humming through every part of the ship could not be explained by anything else and there were only a couple of reasons for a ship this size to break a planet’s atmosphere. He suspected that it would have to undergo heavy maintenance and Poe couldn’t help himself but be pleased with his squadron. Smiling grimly he thought of the pilot who had to be given most credit for this extra work for the Order and who had given his life in the proess. His death would at least be felt by the First Order financially and for the moment this particular Star Destroyer was off the chess board. It was only a small consolation, but a consolation nonetheless.

            The dark corridor through which they led him now didn’t appear to be the same one they had taken him through on his way to the cell. Of course these corridors all looked the same to him, but even in his current state, his sense of direction was adequate enough to realize that they were taking a different route now. The floor beneath his feet was different. They had landed, but didn’t give him the opportunity to see the planet. This windowless corridor was a gangway. Poe deduced it from the way the ground beneath his feet seemed to give way with every step he took. Only when the ground became firm again did he know that they had reached the base. The turbolift to which they brought him, the hallways they led him though after they stepped out of the lift, seemed to be especially designed to confuse the untrained eye even more and to rob anyone who was unfamiliar with First Order architecture of every sense of direction. Poe didn’t say another word. It was no use after all. The Stormtroopers in his escort probably weren’t even supposed to talk to him. They had at least gotten rid of the cuffs as soon as they had entered the turbolift. This made Poe even more uneasy though. They didn’t even think he could escape again. How would he even manage it? Here, on the First Order base, another escape was an impossible feat.

            Poe kept looking down at the dark and highly polished floor and tried not to let the Stormtroopers see how he lost his courage with every step he took further inside the base. When they reached the detention block Poe was almost relieved. Now at least they’d leave him alone for a while. For now anyway. He couldn’t stand looking at the bucketheads anymore. He slowly raised his head and looked to the central console behind which two officers in black uniforms were standing and he could see the long corridor behind them which was only illuminated by a couple of dimly lit lamps. The sight made Poe think of a cave on Yavin 4 into which he and a couple of friends had climbed once to prove their daring. The memory of darkness which swallowed up every bit of light and had seemed to suffocate him back then, seemed to rob him of his ability to breathe even now. He quickly looked back at the officers, one of whom came towards the Stormtroopers with a sense of purpose in his step and addressed the one who seemed to be the leader.

            “HT-8789?” The officer looked at the Stormtrooper coldly and for a second Poe wondered for a moment how that man knew who it was he had in front of him. “This is the prisoner you were asked to transfer?”

            A sharp nod from the person in the white helmet made the officer’s piercing blue eyes look at Poe even before the Trooper had stopped talking. Poe was slightly taken aback to hear a woman’s voice even though he knew that being surprised was utterly ridiculous. The Empire had strictly refused women claiming any ranks within its military. The First Order had to take whatever and whomever it could get and they had accepted the fact that women were just as adequate to the jobs as men. Or at least they accepted women in their lower ranks.

            “Yes, Sir. Commander Poe Dameron, pilot in the Resistance.”

His name... of course they had found out his name, just like he had expected. It still felt weird to hear it spoken out loud by his enemies.

“Take him to the decontamination unit,” the officer ordered the troopers, turned his back to Poe and rejoined his colleague at the console, while the Stormtroopers led him down a narrow corridor to the right. A decontamination unit? They had kept him on that ship for what must have been at least a day and had waited until now? Poe felt his throat get tight.  Why did they even bother? Why didn’t they just ask him what they wanted to know, beat him senseless until he was willing to give up everything, or let their Sith, or whatever he was, get it out of him? These questions shot through his head as the Stormtroopers pushed him through a narrow doorway into a room completely tiled in black and a harsh voice ordered him to undress.

Poe hesitated and swallowed hard. To take off his clothes in front of his enemies wasn’t easy even to think about, especially since he knew they wouldn’t leave him alone. “At least I’ll be pretty again...” he mumbled with a grim expression on his face to no one in particular. At least he’d be able to get rid of the filth and sweat of the previous days. Of course the First Order didn’t care as much about his personal well being and more about hygiene on the base but at least they let him do it on his own. That was something at least.

 

His cell was small. Poe paced it off anyway and measured its length and width. Five steps each way. No more. The bunk attached to the wall opposite the door at knee height was equipped with a paper thin blanket and no pillow. Nothing else was to be seen here. The two steps leading up towards the door were the only thing he stayed clear of. He wondered when he’d climb them again and even though he didn’t even have any hope of getting away he didn’t want to conjure up the feeling of a last walk prematurely.

            His steps made no sound on the rock hard floor. The shoes they had given him only had a thin sole and didn’t allow for tromping. The dark brown trousers and shirt kept him warm enough at least, so he wouldn’t have to worry about freezing too much as soon as the light went out and they’d force a couple of hours of darkness on him.

            Up and down. His legs carried him this way and that without being able to take him to any place he’d like to be. No place but this one was available to him and most likely no other place ever would be. No place but this one consisting of four walls, a narrow bunk bed and two steps for the rest of his life. With a frustrated sigh he slid down one wall until he sat uncomfortably on the floor. “At least they’re letting you walk around, Poe,” he said quietly. It was the first time since this ordeal had started that he spoke to himself and realized it. He didn’t even care.

            “You’re losing your mind and-“ he stopped himself. He didn’t want to even think about it, not for as long as he still had some control over his life.

            From the corner of his eye he spotted something silver. He turned around to see a miniscule silver knob protruding from the black wall. “Hm..” He raised his eyebrows and pulled. A wide, deep drawer emerged and one look made him laugh quietly and without mirth. “Well at least you’re letting me do my business alone now. Perfect.” He was sure that they were keeping an eye on him. Someone was most likely watching him and keeping an eye on his levels of body heat to supervise his physical well being right now. It was utterly ridiculous, but they apparently needed him for something and tried to keep him as well as possible until the time came for them to destroy him thoroughly. It would be best to watch out for what he was saying. Even in here. Sighing he let the drawer roll back and shut again. With a dry thud the contours melted with the bit of wall he had pulled it from. No scratches or even a single grain of dust could be seen on the wall’s polish. Tentatively Poe let his fingernail run over the smooth surface. Nothing. Not even a fingerprint. Maybe he’d make this his last act of defiance, he thought to himself, smiling bitterly. To leave one mark in the First Order’s highly polished wall. One mark. A legacy until the renovation of this cell. That might leave a small impact. But he was sure that as soon as he started acting out, they’d force him into a position in which he’d be unable to cause any more damage.

            He got up with a grim expression on his face and lay down on the bunk. It wasn’t soft exactly, but at least somewhere else to stretch out apart from the floor. He hadn’t been able to do this in days. The detention block could almost be looked at as an improvement. He was allowed to walk, lie down and he was clean... but of course he know that all of this was merely a prelude to what was waiting for him and he couldn’t let himself get lured into a false sense of security. Poe turned around so he was facing the wall. They wouldn’t be able to analyze his facial expression like this, no matter how many holocams were trained on him. With closed eyes he crossed his arms across his chest and took a deep breath. His hands were shaking. When had they started doing that? When he lay down or before? He wasn’t cold, but slowly and surely a sense of dread started creeping up on him again. They let him stew. They let him stew so he’d have ample opportunity to feel like this silent terror of what was to come, which was only reinforced by the sudden freedom of movement. To be allowed to stretch his legs. To be clean. To have a bed. Poe balled his hands into fists and reminded himself that he had to pull himself together. He needed self control above anything. Self control to get through this and keep the secret for as long as possible.

For what felt like the hundredth time he thought about the Resistance deciding on changing the location for the new base. With a bit of luck this was what was happening right now. Of course, Poe Dameron hadn’t been able to count on luck for the past couple of days.

 

 

In a place somewhere between waking and sleeping, torn between raging thoughts of that space battle and unnerving dreams, Poe felt the silence and restlessness closing in on him. He didn’t see anyone but the faceless soldiers who took him to the decontamination unit every day. He didn’t hear anything but his own breathing, the sounds of his own movements and the tray with food being pushed through a slit in the door. None of these things broke his isolation from the rest of the galaxy. He didn’t even try to identify the mush they put on his tray. It was utterly tasteless, which didn’t matter, and he was sure that if they wanted to kill him he’d be lucky to be poisoned. Poison in his food might therefore not matter either. Feeding himself also passed the time, or at least a couple of minutes three times a day. He was doing something when he ate that greyish substance and therefore he took his time with his meals and then lay down again afterwards, letting his mind wander to memories and dreams of days long gone, because these too kept the fear at bay. Poe kept staring at the wall in front of him until it seemed to fill his entire vision and he could lose himself in a different time.

            _“Dameron?”_

_Poe flinched as he heard the voice shouting his name. He turned around abruptly and saw the young man heading towards him_. _He had left the other’s room only hours before on tiptoes and now that he saw the badge on the other man’s flight suit, he couldn’t move anymore._

_“Poe!” Laughing heartily he clapped Poe on the shoulder who couldn’t help himself but wonder what it would feel like to taste those lips again. He quickly shook off the memories of the night before._

_“Morap...” he barely trusted his own voice and spoke quietly so the other didn’t hear the timidness in his voice._

_“_ You’re _Dameron!” Morap smiled even more widely and his eyes glittered mischievously. “You’re the new guy! Your instructor really shoved you at our Commander praising you all the time. Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell me your last name?”_

_“I had no idea we’d be in the same squadron”, Poe said hesitantly and not reacting to the compliment. Had he known that the man he had met the night before would be on his squadron, he wouldn’t have spent the night at his place. Work and love didn’t mix well as far as Poe was concerned. He’d have contacted Morap again some time, but this was a bit too much. He felt his face grow hot and he held on tighter to his helmet._

_“You’d have ignored me if you had known, sure.” Morap shook his head and put an arm in an almost conspiratorial fashion. Poe didn’t even try to free himself but hoped instead that no one paid attention to them. Morap’s arm around his shoulders felt too familiar to shake off._

_“I wouldn’t have known how”, he admitted after a while. “I may not have gone with you, but to ignore you...”_

_Morap winked at him. “I’m relieved. Your rejection would have hurt my feelings.” Morap let go of him and then started walking towards the hangar._

_It was his first mission in the New Republic’s navy after the end of his official training. And he had spent his first night here with someone he’d be working with closely for the next couple of months at least._

_“Awesome...” Poe mumbled, his eyes still on Morap’s retreating back._

_The control stick in his hand felt like it had been made to be just there. It felt familiar. Shara’s hands, his mother’s hands, were on his as they shot out of the planet’s atmosphere and the vacuum of space let them speed forward without further acceleration. Poe laughed out loud as his mother lightly pushed his hands to the left and made the A-Wing turn around on its own axis. The starfighter was old, but it still followed every manoeuvre most willingly._

_“Okay, your turn, big guy.” Her lips brushed against his ear and her breath pushed through his hair. When she let go of his hands, when he was free to control the A-Wing’s movements on his own, he felt his heart miss a couple of beats. With wide eyes he pulled the control stick towards him, a shout of pure joy on his lips, even though he knew that the slightest movement of his hands could end in catastrophe. But he was safe. His mother was there. The day on which Shara Bey would leave her son to fend for himself would never come. Poe was sure of that._

His mother was dead. She hadn’t left him to fend for himself, but she had left his father and Poe to fend for each other. That wasn’t nothing but for an eight year old boy it had happened too soon. For a man who had just started to get used to peace in the galaxy, for his father, it had happened too soon as well. Poe could still feel the loss, could still feel the gaping emptiness. But he had learned to live with it. Somehow. There were so many empty phrases in all the languages of the galaxy and none of them could even begin to describe what it actually meant. To lose someone you loved was not something that could be described in words. He had pulled through somehow, even without words. Even after his father had sent him out of the room and Poe had felt like he couldn’t go on without his mother for another minute. His mother had died a couple of minutes later. A couple of minutes after the sister who had never breathed. Poe had known even then that his father only wanted to protect him from it: from seeing death when he couldn’t begin to understand what it really meant. These minutes he could have spent with his dying mother still felt like time that had been stolen from him. Time he should have spent with his mother. These minutes had been denied him by a power against which he couldn’t possibly stand a chance. Even now. Every second he had spent with his mother was sacred to him, just like every memory of Morap and every thought of Finn. Especially that kiss Finn and he had shared before the Order had  arrived. The half hour in which a door had been opened to him by Finn which he had kept firmly shut since Morap’s death, because Morap’s death had almost pushed him over the edge. Over the edge to a place which he didn’t want to see ever again if he wanted his life to mean something. And then, after so many nights he had spent in strange an familiar beds alike he had met Finn. Finn who was more than a friend to him and whose face showed up in his dreams more often than not and kept him sane.

            Poe looked up as the door to his cell was opened and two Stormtroopers carrying blasters entered. Hesitantly Poe came to his feet. It was almost like the thought of Finn had brought them here and the mere thought gave him goosebumps. They approached him and motioned for him to accompany them. Poe didn’t even ask where they were taking him.  He was almost glad to walk farther than usual even if their destination held something far less pleasant than the walk itself. As soon as he had seen the blasters he had known that they’d not take him to the decontamination unit but to a place further away. They’d either take him to his execution or something else entirely.

            The small room with the almost familiar looking chair in the middle made him stop dead in his tracks. The poke between his ribs made him stumble. So this was their plan. Extract more information. His heart raced as they bound him to the chair and he felt his palms get wet with cold sweat. He wished the walk had taken a bit longer. He wished they _had_ taken him to his execution. As soon as the restraints were in place around his ankles and wrists and they had fixated his head he felt like screaming. He only bit down on his tongue just in time before a snarky remark could pass his lips. He silently reminded himself that he couldn’t let them get in his head. He had to stay focused. For the Resistance and for Finn.


	9. Chapter 9

** Chapter 9 **

 

They had left him alone again. For how long Poe couldn’t say, but he estimated that hours had passed when he heard the beeping from the door that signalled its opening. His eyes burned when they caught the glaringly bright light and he realized that his sense of time was utterly off. _More_ than a couple of hours had to have passed. He stared at the outlines of the man silhouetted against the burning brightness, who now entered the room. Alone. No guards. Just him. But it wasn’t Ren. Poe almost expected to feel relieved, but there was nothing. Nothing but an almost dull nothingness.

            The door slipped shut again and Poe blinked as the other person stepped closer. Slowly but surely Poe’s eyes got accustomed to the lighting conditions and he couldn’t seem to be able to breathe. A name made its way across his lips before he could stop it as he looked at the man. The hair was smoothed to the back and the facial features as familiar as and close as it had been the last time he had seen it. The eyes were cold. He had never seen them like this. “Morap,” he whispered in a raspy voice.

            The man towering over him flinched and his brown eyes became slits. Poe corrected himself internally. This wasn’t Morap standing in front of him. The lips were thinner, the face slightly more round. But still... Poe’s throat was awfully dry as he looked at the man who was Morap’s spitting image and who stepped even closer now. The highly polished black boots barely made a sound. The dark uniform was impeccable just like the whole appearance of the man in front of him. Morap had always been different.  His shirt tail had always seemed to peek out of his trousers whenever it was less appropriate and he had barely ever managed to show up without one or other piece of clotheing suspiciously stained by engine oil and his hair had always been marvellously dishevelled.

            “Morap?” The man asked in a deep voice. Poe didn’t take his eyes off the officer whose very appearance had taken him completely off guard. Morap’s face, which didn’t belong to Morap at all, drew closer. Automatically Poe looked for the suspicious bump in the nose but couldn’t find it. How could he. It wasn’t him. The stranger raised his eyebrow slowly which only made him look more like the man who had once meant everything to Poe.  “My name is Lieutenant Meelan Bendar.” The stranger’s face retreated a couple of inches.

            Bendar. Not Morap Bendar. Meelan Bendar. The last name was so familiar to Poe. How could it not be? Morap’s last name. Poe shook his head disbelievingly, relieved that his eyes stayed dry at the very least even though his heart seemed to break apart with every beat as he looked at Meelan Bendar.

            “So my brother is with the Resistance?” A slight smile. “He has always been an idealist. How is he?” The casual tone of voice with which these words were spoken was even harder to take than the words themselves.

            “Dead,” Poe said, his voice husky. He cursed himself silently. Every piece of self control had vanished with this man’s entrance, who called himself Morap’s brother. He had known that Morap had come from the Unknown Regions and had found his place with the New Republic. Morap had never wanted to talk about his family, not even to Poe who had deduced that Morap had run away. Maybe from his family, maybe from the Order. Poe had thought about it a lot, but this... this was unbearable. “The First Order murdered him.”

            The corner’s of Bendar’s moth twitched but his eyes remained as expressionless as ever. “Idealistic rebel,” Bendar said coldly after a few moments, looked down at his hands and pulled up his gloves as if he had to made sure they fit properly. “That would explain why Beebee-Ate was in your X-Wing. My brother took him when he ran away.”

            Poe pressed his lips together. He reminded himself of where he was. What was waiting for him. He couldn’t get distracted especially since every fibre of his body seemed to urge him to scream at this man who seemed to care so little about Morap. Morap! Even though he now knew the other’s real name he still saw Morap in every little change of expression in Bendar’s face. And the voice... the voice! Poe shook his head unbelievingly. He was the First Order’s prisoner. The person in front of him _wasn’t_ Morap. Morap was dead. Had been killed by the Order, which had operated in secret back then. It hadn’t been an accident. Morap hadn’t sacrificed himself. It had been murder and the man standing in front of Poe now could just as easily have pulled the trigger as every other officer in the First Order. But still... “Beebee...” Poe murmured. “Where is he?” He knew that he wouldn’t get an answer to this question. And he didn’t.

            “Well, Dameron...” Bendar surveyed him after he took another step back so he could have a better look at the prisoner. Poe felt his body going stiff even though the face in front of him almost tempted him to do the opposite. Had any other officer been sent here the situation would have been dangerous. What was happening here was even more perilous than he could possibly have anticipated. His eyes were messing with his head after all.

            Bendar’s eyes were entirely focused on him. Eyes which seemed to pierce Poe’s very soul. “I have a couple of questions for you.” Bendar was standing very upright his face without any trace of emotion.

            “That’s what I thought,” Poe said, trying to sound like he didn’t care. Of course they had watched him in his cell. Of course they knew how he must feel. But he was determined not to show it. Especially not to this apparition which seemed to break him just by being there. “But you took your time. This place is starting to feel like home.”

            Bendar lifted his eyebrows. “We’ll take care of that, don’t worry,” he said calmly as their eyes met and Bendar took a small thin device from his trouser pocket and the next moment Poe felt an unpleasant tingling sensation in his fingertips and his knees started to buckle. It wasn’t pain taking hold of his body, not yet anyway, but the moment where it would rob him of his senses couldn’t be far away. He pressed his lips together and kept looking at Bendar’s face even if that was unbearable. He told himself that this act of defiance was essential. He couldn’t give in. He had to endure it for as long as he could. As the muscles in his shoulders started fidgeting uncontrollably he caved in and shut his eyes tight.

            “Which part of the training programme is the Resistance in contact with?”

            Panting heavily Poe forced his eyelids open, trying not to let one sound betray him and tell Bendar how much the humming resonating in his very bones threatened to overwhelm his determination not to scream. “What?” He said through gritted teeth. His forehead was damp with sweat and he tried desperately to free his hands which were pressed flat against two metal plates. The restraints were too tight. Everything, even his body seemed to be too tight. Suffocating. He breathed through his nose, trying to steady himself while the intensity of that excruciating tingling sensation rose beyond endurance.

            “FN-2187 helped you escape. He didn’t show any signs of abnormality during his training. How did the Resistance recruit him and how many others like him are there in the ranks of the Stormtroopers?”

            Poe blinked, felt his very gums vibrating, felt an unfamiliar sickening numbness spread up his arms, felt his bound arms twitch uncontrollably. He tried shaking his head. A beating was something he could take. Easily. But this... his thoughts were racing without coming to any conclusion and without being able to take his eyes off that stranger who wore such a familiar face. Morap... Finn.. “It doesn’t matter what I’m going to say. You won’t believe me anyway” he hissed, barely suppressing a scream as the tension in his fingertips intensified and a ripping sensation raced up his arms like a bold of lighting which finally struck his brain. “None!” Poe gasped and immediately the tension left his body leaving him slack and numb. He dropped forwards as far as the restraints allowed. He couldn’t help himself and he didn’t even care. His knees where so weak that he would’ve toppled over had he not been held back by the bindings.

            A gloved hand took hold of his chin, pushed his head back and when Bendar spoke again Poe felt his warm breath on his sweaty face. “Liar,” the voice whispering this single word spoke so softly that Poe felt the hairs on his neck stand on end. A slap in the face which he couldn’t even avoid made his ears ring. Next he felt a thumping blow to the temple. His eyes watered and a violent punch in the gut left him utterly winded while he was trying to keep his meagre breakfast in his stomach. This, he knew, was only the beginning.

            Poe shook his head. “No,” he gasped. “There is no one. Finn was just a lucky exception to the rule.” He coughed drily and tried to stand up while keeping his eyes on Morap- except that this wasn’t Morap at all. He had to remember that. Meelan Bendar wasn’t Morap, even if he looked so much like his brother that it actually hurt. Morap was dead and that was that. The man standing in front of him couldn’t even begin to compete with the brother who had kept him a secret. Morap had had his reasons for the secrecy,  Poe was sure of it, but the very thought of Morap not telling him this essential part of his life hurt more that the stinging sensation in his temples or the painful twitching of his muscles which still hadn’t subsided entirely.

            “Finn?” Bendar laughed and rubbed his gloved fist with the other hand. “Do you give nicknames to all the deserters?”

            Poe gasped as Bendar took up the device again and the tingling sensation grew worse again. He pressed his lids together so as not to have to look at those eyes and tried to keep his breathing as shallow as possible. He didn’t really manage it. “Why do you insist on number and letter combinations to designate them? Everyone’s got the right to a name.” Each and every bone in his body seemed to have caught on fire. His very toes contracted in pain. It was like his body tried to vanish inside itself to get away from this place. He fought for breath while the cramps started suffocating each and every fibre in his body.

            “The Resistance is way too sentimental.” Bendar’s voice seemed to come from a place very far away. From a distant universe perhaps. “Once again: how many are there? Which base has been infiltrated? Who is part of the rebellion?”

            A voiceless scream. That was all Poe was able to produce. A scream which ended abruptly in a gasp for air as Bendar stopped. His lungs only slowly regained their ability to pump themselves full of the much needed oxygen. Every breath seemed to leave a burning sensation inside his chest. He attempted a shake of his head. The questions took an overly long time to register in his brain. The words were too long to become clear in the mist of burning pricks in his head. The Resistance was supposed to have infiltrated the First Order? Was supposed to have stirred a sense of rebellion within their ranks? Poe would have laughed if he hadn’t felt like vomiting. “I’m sorry that you have to waste your time and energy with me”, he said in a hoarse whisper as a layer of transparent red seemed to push itself over his left eye. Blood was slowly trickling down his face and into his eyes. He breathed in deeply and shook his head again. He had never in his life wished more for a glass of water or a gulp of fresh air than now that he felt like his head might burst. “There’s nothing here for you. Finn was just fed up.” He looked up at the ceiling, waiting for the next blow. The next wave of electricity being shot through his body by Bendar. But nothing happened.

            Finn... Finn had had enough and his courage had impressed Poe more than anything else. He himself could have done with a dose of that courage now. He would have given everything for it. For Finn. It was strange how much you could miss two very different people at the very same time in such a similar way. He had only ever been really close to Finn once but this moment seemed to stretch over a moment consisting of years in Poe’s imagination. Years in which he had been allowed to only feel Finn’s lips on his. Tears came to his eyes. Tears which he was unable to suppress. This was all too much. First Morap. Now Finn. Both were thrown at him like punches and Poe was entirely unable to help them or even himself for that matter.

            “The rebel base.”

            He shook his head again. “You’ve either found it already and destroyed it or you don’t care. You let me stew for too long and I don’t think it’s that urgent for you to find it.”

            No answer. That was all he really needed. Poe couldn’t suppress a smile. They’d try anyway. They’d keep going until they were sure they had gotten everything out of him they possibly could.

 

 

It took hours. Or was it days? Poe didn’t know and he stopped counting the eternities of pain lining up before and behind him and which took over his life with an ease which seemed to be unreal. Eternities in which Bendar turned more and more into Morap and at the same time into a creature of unspeakable barbarity. It wasn’t Morap and at the same time Meelan Bendar’s face changed with every question posed, no matter how much it had been repeated before. Meelan’s face blurred into Morap’s and back again until his mere physical appearence seemed to be entirely distorted.

            Bendar was doing a great job. He brought Poe to the brink of unconsciousness time and time again only to leave him there. To leave entirely. To leave him alone and to return once Poe had recovered more or less from the previous ordeal only to continue exactly where he had let Poe off the hook.

The questions which were repeated in a seemingly endless loop.

The silence.

The pain.

Poe knew that he’d provide Bendar with all the information the other demanded of him. Bendar had time on his side. Time to do with him whatever the First Order wanted him to do and at some point, after what seemed like a decade, when Morap’s face had been erased from his memory, Poe said the name of the system in which the Resistance was supposed to reform. Nothing else. As far as he knew Finn really had been the exception to the rule. As far as he knew there were no traitors in the First Order’s ranks. How could he even know about them. He was a pilot. Nothing more. Bendar seemed to have reached a similar conclusion.

            When the soldiers finally removed his restraints, when Poe dropped into their rough arms without being able to maintain even the slightest trace of body tension and he had to let the Stormtroopers hold him upright, because his legs couldn’t support his own weight, he looked back into Bendar’s face, aware of what was coming for him next. “Your brother was a far better man than you, Meelan,” he croaked in an attempt to have the final say in a fight he had already lost.

 Bendar’s eyes sparkled dangerously. Poe didn’t doubt for even a second that Bendar hat realized what Morap had meant to Poe and despised Poe for it. For falling in love with a brother who was nothing more than a sentimental weakling to Meelan Bendar.

“Your execution date was fixed yesterday. Three days, Dameron.”

Three days. Another eternity. An eternity in which Poe could contemplate and regret every word, every single syllable he had uttered. A thousand times over. He was the traitor. Him. Even if the First Order had managed to track the Resistance’s ships. Even if they had already found the new base. He could only hope that the Resistance was safe. That his treason didn’t have consequences for Finn.

Three days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AuroraLynne made this wonderful drawing of Bendar and Poe. I absolutely adore her style and her attention to detail. 
> 
> Here's the link to her drawing (and her tumblr): http://auroralynne.tumblr.com/post/144069542062/facing-our-demons-by-aurora-lynne-so-i-got-to


	10. Chapter 10

** Chapter 10 **

 

Three days.

            They had to carry him back to his cell. Walking seemed like an impossible feat. He couldn’t seem to force his legs to support his weight and he didn’t even try to save a shred of dignity.

            Three days.

            How was he supposed to know when his time was up? How was he to keep track of the hours he had left? By counting the meals? The numbers of times they took him to the sanishower?

            They didn’t drop him on the floor but lifted him on the narrow and uncomfortable cot before leaving. Without a word. Three days. That was nothing and an eternity at the same time.

            Poe shut his eyelids tightly and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes, suppressing a scream of anguished desperation which would not have benefited him in the slightest anyway. He had failed miserably. Of course he knew that what he had said might not have changed anything and he also knew that he was powerless and alone in his solitary struggle with the First Order. But knowing it didn’t help. The thought was no comfort to him. An empty desperation seemed to gape inside his chest and swallow up every feeling of warmth within his thoughts. As if trying to protect himself from the creature telling him that he had failed and would soon reap what he had sown, he turned on his side with a huge effort. He was facing the wall now, just like he had done so many times before. Lying here like this he felt something akin to safety even if he was fully aware that he was deceiving himself.

            Public. That was the word Bendar had used before they had taken Poe away. Public. A public execution. Transmitted through the HoloNet. There was a huge lump in Poe’s throat and breathing steadily took every bit of willpower he had left in him at the mere thought of how he would meet his end. His death would be anything but private. Instead every living being in the galaxy would be able to see him cease to exist. The thought of his father finding out about his capture like this, the thought of his father losing his only son on top of everything else and in such a violent manner made him shiver uncontrollably.

            In three days time everyone would know that he had not perished inside his X-Wing’s cockpit. At least, he contemplated, the Resistance would know that he had been captured. That their plans were most likely compromised. A sudden idea shot through his head. Was this public execution a diversion? Had the Resistance actually gone to the planet Poe had named? Had the First Order _not_ known where their enemies were hiding out? The uncertainty about what was going on in the rest of the galaxy would surely drive him insane before the end.

            Poe pulled up his knees to his chest and ignored the quiet buzzing which announced the arrival of food. It was not only that he was unable to get up and collect his meal. He was physically and mentally exhausted and the very thought of consuming anything even resembling food made him sick. Instead he kept his eyes tightly shut and suddenly the memory of a ball of fur, its spine pressed tightly against his own, shot through his head. Polly had slept like this very often.. The warmth radiating from the animal had always managed to calm him down after a stressful day and he had been able to fall asleep within minutes. He tried to remember what the small body pressed against his own had felt like. The steady breathing. The huge amber eyes looking at him in the morning before he provided her with her breakfast. She was safe now. She was with his father. Another stab in the chest at the mere thought of someone he couldn’t safe. First Kes Dameron had lost his wife and now his son and Poe couldn’t help himself but wonder at how his father would react. What it would do to him.

            Three days.

 

He did count the meals. Counted how often they took him to the sanishower and every time the breaks in between all these events seemed to become shorter, even though he knew that they rigidly kept to their timetables and not even the First Order could manipulate time. After what would be his last breakfast had been pushed into his cell he stood over the tray, staring down at it unable to bring himself to even touch it. The dull food had been consumed by him more out of necessity than appetite before but eating was no longer a necessity. Not even boredom could tempt him to eat. Especially not now. Not even to keep up his strength. The last hours of his life left to him could not motivate him to pick up the tray and shove the brown-grey mush into his mouth.

            Shaking his head he folded his hands behind his head and looked up at the ceiling which was just as shiny and boring as always. At least he wasn’t shaking anymore. It almost seemed like his muscles and nerve endings, as if every cell in his body had accepted their inevitable death even if his thoughts wanted so desperately cling to life. To a certain degree anyway. Everything inside of him which hadn’t resigned yet fought against this urge to just give up. Surrender had never been his style but these last couple of days and hours made him feel completely tired and used up.

            Poe kept standing there silently. He had spent most of the last couple of days sitting and lying on that bed and standing up appeared to him like a symbolic act of resistance against bowing down to the First Order’s will, even if he had capitulated already. He closed his eyes and went through what he knew about First Order protocol for executions. It had been among the things he had learned more by chance than anything else when he had joined the Resistance. Not because he had been intent on learning everything he could about his enemy, but because the procedure’s accuracy had been so cold it just stuck in his head. The New Republic didn’t favour the death sentence and only a handful of the Republic’s systems ever subjected anyone to that sentence and constantly fought about this matter with the senate. The methods of execution weren’t discussed in the media and so far Poe had managed to stay off that particular topic in conversations. And now he was in this situation about which he hadn’t even wanted to think about previously and his own calm surprised him. Maybe that was because he knew the protocol. Maybe something inside of him had always known that he would get to this point eventually.

            They’d come and get him. Soon. Then they’d take him to the prep room. At that point they’d cut off his hair if they intended decapitate him. If not they’d give him a drug that would calm him down straight away. They wanted their victim to remain calm and not start a fight right before the end which it was bound to lose anyway. Someone would read out his sentence once he’d been brought into the room where his life would end. No chance for some last words. And then... Poe had no idea what was waiting for him. No one had told him but he couldn’t help but wonder whether he’d feel the blade or if it would be over even quicker. Was poison waiting for him? A gallows? A firing squad?

            There it was. The shudder taking hold of his body. The last stirring of defiance before it was too late? Before they’d put the pilot’s lifeless form into a bag and got rid of it?

            As the door slid open he opened his eyes and looked directly at the Stormtroopers. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about them trying to get more information out of him. Two of the soldiers entered the cell, took positions on his left and right and Poe was ready to leave this accursed place for good, but when Meelan Bendar entered the room he had to force himself to look his torturer in the eye.

            “Dameron...” Bendar’s eyes flickered across Poe’s face as if examining the impact his questioning methods had left upon his face. Obviously satisfied with what he was seeing he nodded. “Shall we?”

            Poe managed to keep every trace of emotion from showing in his features as the Stormtroopers led him out of the room. His eyes were fixed on the back of Bendar’s head this time. The black uniform let the delicate skin appear to be even lighter. Poe caught himself looking for a certain birthmark on the neck which he had looked at so often when it had been Morap in front of him. He was relieved not to find it. Bendar may have tarnished the memories of Morap but this tiny observation felt like a triumph on the last walk of his life. This walk, which seemed to fly past him. The route which they took through the immaculate corridors in which not a trace of dust or wear could be seen didn’t really register in his mind. He knew that he couldn’t count on it but he also couldn’t help himself but think of how much easier it might have been for him not to count each and every step, had he been allowed to look at the sky one more time.

            His mouth was parched when they entered a narrow and dark room after what seemed to be an endless ride on a turbolift and an overlong march through even more corridors. The Stormtroopers left and form one moment to the next Poe found himself eye to eye with Bendar. His face would be the last he’d ever see then. With a bit of luck, he thought, Meelan Bendar’s features might transform into Morap’s during the last seconds of his life. It was not much of a consolation. But if he closed his eyes he saw Finn and that was unbearable.

            The door had closed shut behind the Stormtroopers and bright lights illuminated the room. Immediately Poe’s eyes fell on the door on the other side. The next door. The last one he’d ever pass. He took a deep breath as Bendar turned his back on him and started punching in something on a console set into the wall. His time was almost up. He wished it were up already.

            “Let us not draw it out unnecessarily. The HoloNet is waiting.” Bendar’s voice was as cold as it always had been as he turned around to Poe holding a glass of water in one hand, a small paper cup in the other in which the drug would be. Poe took both without a trace of hesitation. He knew that fighting was useless and it would not get him anywhere. Moreover he wanted to be damned if they robbed him of his last shred of dignity by forcing the drug down his throat. He looked Bendar directly in the eye as he put the paper cup to his lips and threw his head back. A pill. Poe hadn’t even looked at it. He quickly took a couple of gulps of water. The glass almost fell through his fingers. Only now did he realize that his entire body was covered with cold sweat.

            “Let’s not keep them waiting then,” Poe murmured and pushed the glass back into Bendar’s hand. He could already feel his arm grow heavier but his mind didn’t stop racing. HoloNet. Public. Finn. His father.

            And then he realized that no one had approached him. No one had cut his hair. “How?” Poe asked and was angry at himself for sounding so weak.

            “Hanging.” The answer came promptly and without any trace of empathy, but the face in front of him seemed to betray something Poe couldn’t quite place.

            Bendar pulled out a device and Poe immediately recognized the medical scanner which Bendar moved across Poe’s chest. Apparently satisfied with his readings Bendar nodded and put the device back in his trouser pocket. “Goodbye, Dameron.” It sounded like he had said it hundreds of times. Aloof and distant.

            Poe’s muscles didn’t seem to want to obey him and Bendar turned him around roughly so he was facing the door. He wanted to brace himself. To stand tall. To shake off this stranger’s hand. He couldn’t. The door opened and Poe already seemed to perceive everything through a heavy cloud of mist. His legs obeyed, but his mind was strangely absent. He saw the high ceilinged white room, saw the three holocams and felt every single beating of his heart. Counted every breath he took, but he barely heard the disembodied voice reading out his sentence while Bendar led him to centre of the room. He looked down at the First Order’s insignia beneath the strap which would end his life. The strap was lowered. He heard the quiet humming sound. Heard his name but it didn’t register. His head was held high. This was the last thing he could think of doing while the blood was rushing loudly inside his ears while he was trying to fill his lungs to the brink with every breath he took. It was the last thing he could hold on to. That he didn’t want to die like a coward, his eyes trained on the ground. He wanted to defy the First Order. One last time.

            The voice fell silent.

            The strap around his neck was cool.

            Bendar was standing in front of him. Nodded. Vanished from his field of vision. Stepped aside.

            Tightness around his neck.

            Cold sweat ran down between his shoulder blades as he felt it. Before the ability to breathe was taken away from him. Before his feet left the ground. Feet which twitched, looking for a place to stand and which they would never find.

            The white contours of the room gave way to darkness.


	11. Chapter 11

** Chapter 11 **

 

He was falling. Falling down from a place he had no memory of. Solid ground was out of reach. The entire galaxy seemed to spin around him. Him, who had become the universe’s sole axis from one moment to the next. If this was death, Poe thought, he would have preferred rotting in his cell after all.  A sudden retching sensation gave him a start. He wasn’t dead. On the contrary. His throat hurt, the muscles in his shoulders were on fire and the strap was still around his neck. His hands wanted to shoot upwards, wanted to pull at the strap and rip it off, but they couldn’t. When had they bound his hands behind his back?

            Poe opened his eyes. He was lying on the side and felt the hard ground beneath his body, but the world around him was still out of focus. There was nothing but darkness around him framed by a reddish veil. Something white stepped into his field of vision and collapsed shortly afterwards. He didn’t hear anything either. Every sense of perception seemed to have left him. He tried sitting up, but he couldn’t. A hand on his shoulder told him something he couldn’t understand. His heart was racing and his desperate attempts to breathe were painful beyond imagination. It was like he had to learn how to do it all over again, but his body refused to be taught. And then at least some of the pressure was taken from him. The strap was gone. Poe’s struggles were rewarded with burning agony. Still the world around him seemed to be spinning. The sharp pain in his lower arm would undoubtedly drawn a silent sound of dismay from him under different circumstances. Not so now. He wasn’t dead. That was certainly true. But what was going on here then?

            Slowly but surely the light and dark silhouettes surrounding him came into focus, but the reddish tint of the world remained. His head was aching like it had never done before in his life, but his sense of hearing seemed to be returning even if his body itself didn’t seem to want to move or be moved.

            A dark room. Another dark room. He shook his head reluctantly as he perceived his own laboured breathing. A silent curse tried to slip past his lips but his tongue was unwilling to help. Every breath he took felt like swallowing hot lava. From the corner of his eye he saw a movement and his head turned abruptly to the side. He immediately regretted moving at all, but was grateful for the fact that he _could_ move. He felt sick. Again his lips tried to form a name as he recognized the man in front of him but he shook his head again. “I’m still not him, Dameron.” That voice... the individual meaning of each word only registered much later that the voice itself. The way they fit together took him much longer to understand.

            Bendar.

            Poe blinked up at the man. What had happened? His lips moved again, trying to ask the question burning in his mind, but no sound was forthcoming.

            Bendar shook his head and bent over him. “We don’t have a lot of time,” he said and the next moment Poe felt that he could move his hands. “The drug I gave you before your execution was not quite the one I should have given you.”

            Unable to understand what Bendar was telling him, Poe looked up at him. Speaking was impossible and so, it seemed, was grasping what Bendar was trying to tell him. No, it _was_ impossible...

            “Long story, short: the reading picked up that you had died before it was too late. I gave you some stimulants a few minutes ago. I’m going to give you another shot in a moment. It should keep you on your feet until I have managed to get you away from here. Can you sit?” Without waiting for an answer Bendar grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into a sitting position. Poe felt like he was going to be sick and was glad that he hadn’t eaten anything. Bendar opened his cuffs and Poe felt his fingers shake as he carefully opened his fists and closed them again. His shoulders protested as he moved his arms from behind his back and wiped his stinging eyes with his right hand. His back didn’t seem to be able to support his weight. He dropped backwards and felt a wall keeping him from falling over. Where was he?

He looked up at Bendar again and then he saw the apparently lifeless form of the Stormtrooper lying on the floor. Had Bendar killed him?

            “We’re on board of the _Vanquisher_ ,” Bendar said curtly. “The body has to be disposed of before the next jump to hyperspace.”

            Poe snorted and regretted doing so immediately. His airways weren’t ready for that yet. He still wasn’t sure about the man in front of him, who had apparently saved his life. It didn’t seem to fit. Meelan Bendar was committed to the First Order. Wholeheartedly. He wasn’t like his brother and had proven it. Poe only wanted to get away from this man’s company but still looked him directly in the eye. “Why?”, he tried to ask but he couldn’t get out more than the first sound. It didn’t look like he’d be able to utter more than one sound for the foreseeable future. At least he had a future, or so it seemed.

            Bendar’s eyes which had never looked at him with anything but indifference and even disgust now showed something like pity which was even harder to stomach. “I always hoped my brother had vanished somewhere in the Republic’s domain and that was the worst case scenario. Ideally he’d be in the Outer Rim... out of sight if you get what I mean.” He shook his head and shrugged before taking out a syringe from inside his uniform jacket. “Getting you out of here is the least I can do for him. But I need your word that you’ll stay away from the Resistance and the Republic, Dameron. You’re dead. I’m a dead man if the opposite is ever made public and that’s not worth it. So I’m going to need you to promise me that you’ll vanish from the face of the galaxy. Now.”

            The world had stopped spinning. The feeling auf nausea was subsiding somewhat but breathing still didn’t come easily to him. He had understood what Bendar had said. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t keep the promise Bendar was trying to extract from him. His last thoughts when he had faced his seemingly inevitable end had been dedicated to total resignation, but now that freedom and even life itself appeared to be in reach again he felt like every bone in his body wanted to keep going. To continue where he had left off. To not only support the Resistance in any way he could to fight the First Order, not only to avenge Morap Bendar, himself and so many others, or to protect the democracy which was threatened by the Order. The only real goal, it seemed, the only thing he could think about, was returning to the person whom he had betrayed and to whom he had given a promise so different from the one Bendar was asking of him. Somehow.

He blinked. For just one moment he allowed himself to think of Finn. Yes, he was a traitor. And there was only one way for him to redeem himself and he could not follow that path if he decided to hide somewhere if he should actually be allowed to escape from here. Poe returned Bendar’s look with determination. Bendar was risking almost everything for him and only now did Poe appreciate that Meelan Bendar must have felt like Morap’s brother at some point and not only looked like his sibling. And he, Poe, would be sentencing him to death. Poe nodded and without hesitating even a second longer and Bendar pushed the needle into Poe’s lower arm.

            This was about more than just Poe Dameron and Meelan Bendar, he reminded himself. It was about the Resistance heading into the abyss. They had lost so many fighters already and the Republic’s fleet was all but destroyed. Every pilot, no matter how faithless, could mean the difference between life and death for the Resistance and Poe could not leave his friends and companions, and most of all Finn, to die if he could help it. For that he might have to sacrifice Bendar if it came to it. Poe didn’t even try to fool himself. Bendar didn’t do this out of the goodness of his heart. If anything he was driven to this by his bad conscience or he was trying to keep his brother’s memory alive. The fact that he was attempting to free Poe and put himself in danger didn’t have anything to do with Poe at all. Only with Morap.

            “You should be able to walk in a couple of minutes.” Bendar scrutinized him for a moment then bent down over the Stormtrooper, who was still lying unmoving on the shiny floor, and pulled the Trooper’s helmet off. The delicate face of a woman, not much older than Finn, with short read hair appeared. Poe felt his chest ache as he looked down at her and realized that she would take his place.

He had killed Stormtroopers before. It had been a matter of life and death then and it was the same now. Only that it wasn’t. To kill this young woman, who was barely more than a girl, just seemed wrong to him. It was easier to attack a stranger in a mask.

            He realized that he could feel his extremities again. He watched as Bendar took off the soldier’s armour and clothes and the pulled at the black fabric on which Poe had been lying from underneath his body. Bendar put the Stormtrooper’s clothes on the cot beside Poe and denying himself any further thought about the young woman Poe started to peel off his own sweaty clothes, relieved that he was able to do that himself and didn’t have to ask for Bendar’s help.

The woman’s black shirt still had her smell on her and Poe tried to ignore it as best he could when he put it on. When Bendar had closed the black fabric over the woman’s face and she was completely covered and dressed in Poe’s prisoner’s uniform, Bendar stood up straight again.

            “I’m sure you’re thirsty,” he said and shook his head. “I don’t have anything here but you’ll find something on the shuttle I’m taking you to...” He trailed off and picked up the Trooper’s helmet and then looked at Poe. “Shall we?” He reached for Poe’s arm and helped him to his feet. Now he just had to put on the armour somehow.

 

It was a lucky coincidence that Stormtroopers only spoke when spoken to when in the company of an officer. Poe had trouble keeping his breathing steady beneath the helmet which seemed to suffocate him only by being on his head and following Bendar through the Star Destroyer’s corridors. His field of vision was not only obscured by the reddish veil now but also by the visor, which might give tactical advantage in combat situations but which didn’t help him right now. He could barely see where he was going and looked at the world through a screen which divided his surroundings into grids, rather than through his own eyes. He could only stare at Bendar. He was the one he had to follow. Every step of the way. It was the only thing he could do now.

            He couldn’t believe this was happening. Was he really getting a second chance? Bendar at least appeared to be convinced that the plan would work. He had seen to it that the Stormtrooper posing as Poe’s dead body was taken away and orderly disposed of by two other Stormtroopers. Poe was grateful for the fact that no one had been able to see his features as the Stormtroopers picked up their comrade and carried her away. Bendar had ordered Poe to follow him shortly afterwards.

            Whatever it was that Bendar had given him kept Poe on his feet even if he had to force himself into taking each and every step but he knew that he had to keep up this charade if he wanted to live. Bendar had given him the best disguise possible. Poe Dameron was dead. HT-8913, the Trooper he was pretending to be now, was anything but suspicious. Especially not if she was following Lieutenant Bendar. But his heart was pounding in his chest anyway. His lungs felt like they were filled with fire and every abrupt movement brought tears to his eyes. Luckily they didn’t have to walk very far. It didn’t take them long to reach the hangar. The shuttle Bendar was heading for was one of five. So this Star Destroyer wasn’t as big as the _Finalizer_.

            Bendar punched a code into a panel and the shuttle’s loading ramp was lowered. For a moment Poe wondered whether an ordinary Stormtrooper like HT-8913 might be authorised or even trained to pilot a ship like this one. Bendar’s mere presence however appeared to guarantee HT-8913’s authorization. Bendar looked at him and for a moment Poe thought he saw a trace of doubt in the other man’s eyes and he felt a pang of guilt. Now it was he who was sentencing Bendar to death. Of that he was sure. It would be his fault if Morap’s brother was killed for this when he returned to the Resistance. When he returned to Finn. Poe pressed his lips tightly together and nodded, grateful that Bendar couldn’t see his face.

            “We’re expecting the next shipment in three days time, HT-8913”, Bendar explained as if he was merely repeating something HT-8913 already knew.

Poe nodded again, pretending like he did.

            “Well then, have a good flight.” Bendar took a step back, turned around on his heels and left.

            Without another word Poe turned around and entered the shuttle. In the cockpit he saw the tiny lights telling him that he had clearance for take-off. That he had to and should do so. Now. The boxes in front of him, Bendar had told him, were empty. It was HT-8913’s task to pick up replacement parts from a First Order shipyard. Nothing more. But the cover was good enough for Poe. He pulled off the helmet as soon as he had closed the ramp again and he could be sure that no one would be able to see him. He blinked, relieved to be able to see through his own two eyes again even if they were stinging as badly as ever. He was sure that he’d be able to see properly again before long but he was also sure that he didn’t want to know what his eyes, or any other part of him for that matter, looked like. It was enough to feel every bone in his body.

            Shaky on his feet and breathing heavily he went up to the cockpit and dropped down in the pilot’s seat. A Stormtrooper’s armour, he realized, was not designed for its owner to sit down in. The white plates on his legs were uncomfortable and almost made him slip off the seat. He’d take care of that later.

He gasped, closed his eyes for a moment and started the engines which came to life beneath him, he looked out of the hangar door which was widely open to space and put his hands on the instruments which he wasn’t entirely familiar with. He was so close... so close to freedom. Only one last step and he’d be out of the Order’s reach. Slowly, pretending all of this was routine, he lifted off the hangar’s floor and flew through the door out into the vacuum of space.

For now he’d follow the programmed flight plan and then drop out of hyperspace prematurely and head for another system. Until then, he concluded from the data given to him by the navcomputer, he had three hours left. Then he’d really be able to get away. First to another system and then he’d be free. A short, incredulous laugh fought its way up his tortured throat. Tears came to his eyes and Poe didn’t know if they were tears of joy or signs of pain. The laughter was barely more than a hoarse wheezing. The stars before him turned into bright stripes.

            A quiet, familiar beeping sound made him spin around in his seat and Poe felt like someone had pulled the ground from beneath his feet. He put his hand to his mouth. Unbelievingly he stared at Beebee-Ate who shot towards him from between the boxes, humming loudly and excitedly. Morap’s droid was back with him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't do it. I really couldn't!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry this took so long! I was very busy last week writing a kind of prequel to this story. If you’re interested: it’s called “Blown Fuse” (http://archiveofourown.org/works/6808630/chapters/15546910) and is only three chapters long. It’s the story of Morap (and Meelan), their relationship and of how Morap ran away from his family and met his soulmate.  
> Anyway: I hope you enjoy this chapter. It’s a lot longer than the last ones. There are only three more chapters and the Epilogue left for me to translate :(

The sound of a hushed alarm going off woke him with a start. Poe’s head was still aching like he had been hit by a crashing Tie-Fighter. His breath came in gasps and it took all the strength he had to sit up. Still feeling woozy from the drugs and a lack of sleep, Poe looked around to take in his surroundings. Every muscle in his body screamed up in agony with the slightest movement. Even from his position, lying on the floor, he could see that they were no longer travelling through space at light speed.

            He closed his eyes tightly in an effort to pull himself together. He knew exactly where he was. What had happened. What lay ahead. Beebee-Ate bumped into his side and Poe managed a smile. “Hey,” he croaked. The single word was all it took to assure him of the fact that he would not be able to speak full sentences for quite some time.  The floor beneath him was spinning again. He needed rest and time to heal. Urgently, before he could even think about putting his next plan into action. He had to return to the Resistance without drawing attention to himself and there were a couple of things he had to take into account about that. For one he couldn’t just approach a system which was part of the New Republic in a shuttle belonging to the First Order and claim to be the very same pilot who had just been executed live on the HoloNet, because this would be exactly the thing which would endanger Bendar. On the other hand he had no idea how he could possibly establish contact with the Resistance. He had no idea where the next rendezvous point would be established and moreover: even if he did he could be more than certain that this ship was equipped with a tracker which would communicate all coordinates he approached to the First Order. He would have to shut down that tracker as soon as possible and get rid of this shuttle. It was too conspicuous anyway.

            He got to his feet with some difficulty. Poe took his time getting up, so the shuttle around him didn’t start spinning around him even faster. His lips were parched. He had lost consciousness almost as soon as the shuttle had made the jump to hyperspace and he hadn’t even cared about where he fell asleep. It had been the first nearly restful sleep he’d had in what felt like years and that was probably mostly thanks to the drugs which Bendar had given him. He quickly scanned the consoles in front of him but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary and then left the cockpit on legs which felt like they didn’t really belong to him. Down the ramp and to the passenger compartment. From the corner of his eye he saw Beebee-Ate following him. The astromech’s sensors didn’t seem to want to leave him out of sight. Poe held up one hand and made a reassuring gesture. They had left hyperspace before they had reached the destination intended for them by the Order, just like he had planned and as soon as he was ready he’d jump to hyperspace again. But he wasn’t ready yet. He wasn’t ready to think of what might or might not happen after the next couple of minutes.

            His eyes were still stinging and his throat was as tight as ever. He could almost feel the strap still around his neck. Shuddering, he started peeling off the white plastoid armour. He hadn’t been able to take it off before collapsing out of fatigue. He wiped his sweaty forehead with a trembling hand. The black overall he was wearing beneath the armour didn’t really fit. The woman - the girl? -  had worn a tight bodice underneath her clothes but it hadn’t been tight enough apparently, to prevent the top part of being slightly baggy in the front. He had barely registered it when he had put it on, had only focused on not trying to think too much about the woman herself and her scent still occupying his sense of smell. Now he couldn’t keep himself from feeling the shame as he was standing there, dressed all in black in front of the passenger compartment and looking down himself.

            She had not been dead when Bendar hat put her in that bag. She had been unconscious, but her life had been over anyway at the same time as Bendar had entered it. Bendar hadn’t even looked at her as a sacrifice. Just a tool to be used. A body, a corpse,  which he could use as a substitute for Poe’s and get rid of as soon as possible. She’d be forgotten like the combination of letters and numbers that she had been all her life.

            The door before him opened and Poe’s eyes fell immediately on the narrow sink inside bathroom. With trembling fingers he pushed the button and scooped up the icy cold water in his hands, lifted them to his mouth and drank greedily. Every gulp hurt, burned on its way down his throat but he couldn’t care less. Forced to quit drinking by a violent fit of coughing, he turned off the stream even though each and every cell in his body was screaming for more. He didn’t want it all to come back up again, though.

            A quiet chirping noise coming from behind him made him turn around. Beebee-Ate had followed him here as if the droid didn’t fully believe that Poe really was back with him. Poe made another calming gesture, then pointed at his throat and shrugged. He couldn’t talk at all and he didn’t even dare to try. Beebee-Ate rolled towards him, gently nudged him and Poe put a hand on the droid’s spherical head to assure him that everything was going to be fine. He was still thoroughly exhausted and had to lean his back against the sink. His eyes wandered to the sanishower and then through the door to the narrow bed. He caught himself staring almost longingly at the thin but most definitely warm blanket under which he was yearning to hide for the next couple of hours. That had to wait however.

            He patted Beebee-Ate’s head once again and turned around once more. Poe froze as he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He must have hit the button which activated the mirror function by accident and regretted it immediately. Horrified he stared at the man he barely recognized. The eyes were read, the face pale beneath black stubble. He could see the traces Bendar’s fists had left on his face and knew that his entire body had to look the same. He had never been vain. Not really, but seeing himself like this brought back memories of each and every punch, every twitching in his muscles and the humming and burning sensation in his bones and every word he had said that might put an end to all of it. His hand hovered over the button which would shut down the mirror function and stop him having to look at himself. After a couple of seconds he put down his hand again and raised his head so he’d have to look at his reflection. He faced the disgusted look in his own eyes. The contempt. The disbelief at still being alive. The hope of returning to Finn and the other Resistance fighters. The fear of doing just that. The grief over Morap, which had just been rekindled by this unlikely encounter with Morap’s brother. He had lost Morap so often. That at least would be over now. For good.

            After a couple of moments he managed to gulp down some more water. He felt a bit better, even though he was fully aware that swallowing wouldn’t be easy for a long time. There was no way he was going to complain about that though. He took a deep breath, forced himself to fill his lungs to the brim, even if it felt like one of the hardest things he had ever done physically at the moment, and then let go of the sink. Poe ignored the narrow bed on his way to the shuttle’s main room and, glad to be able to lean on something again, put a hand on one of the boxes he was merely transporting pro forma and which he couldn’t even bring himself to think about at the moment. It took him a while before he was able to grope around his memory for the rudimentary blueprints of Imperial Shuttles he had studied such a long time ago. The ships belonging to the same class which the First Order was using nowadays couldn’t be much different. Luckily there was only one door onboard he hadn’t tried yet and he immediately scolded himself for being so slow. He couldn’t afford losing time and he couldn’t afford this sluggish thinking. But he couldn’t help himself. He was glad to be capable of standing and moving as it was. Poe slowly pushed himself to move towards the second door and pressed the button next to it. Then he entered the small room in which he immediately found the Hyperdrive. Relieved upon laying eyes on it and realizing that he was fully capable of managing this particular design, he wiped the sweat from his brow again and took another look at the device with a trained eye. He immediately found what he needed to remove as quickly as possible. Of course it had been attached to the Hyperdrive so no one would have to look for it that long. No officer belonging to the First Order would even dream of removing the tracker. Poe Dameron however was not a First Order officer, far from it, and he was glad that he didn’t have to go looking for the tracker. It most likely wasn’t the only way the Order would be able to follow the ship’s progress in hyperspace, but for now this was all he could do and he’d certainly slow the Order down.

Back in the main room Poe let the long black device fall to the ground and picked up the Stormtrooper’s standard issue blaster which he had put on one of the boxes a couple of minutes ago.

Beebee-Ate whirred towards Poe when his sensors registered the loud undamped shot, which blew the tracker apart and left a big, charred spot on the otherwise unblemished floor. Poe tumbled a step back and had to hold on tight to one of the boxes. He really shouldn’t overexert himself. What he should do, was get away from here.

Ignoring the obviously worried tones coming from the droid, Poe pushed past him and went up the short ramp to the cockpit. Only a couple of minutes more, then he’d finally have some peace. He’d be able to sleep, or rather, what might describe it even better, give in to unconsciousness once more. A red lamp on the middle console was blinking in long intervals. The Comm. Apparently the First Order had tried to reach him. The fact that he hadn’t answered at all would ensure a search party going after him. Poe contemplated whether or not playing the received message might or might not be a good idea, but before he could reach a conclusion about that and endanger himself even further, he shut the Comm down completely. No one would be able to contact this shuttle now. He’d be long gone before the Order arrived here to investigate his premature drop out of hyperspace.

He put the coordinates to the system he had planned on going to next into the navcomputer. After a couple of moments the estimated flight time flashed before him on the console as well as the amount of fuel the journey would cost him. It was most of what he had left and Poe closed his eyes for a moment. He could do with a long flight and he wouldn’t worry about problems concerning fuel right now. He didn’t plan on returning this Shuttle to the Order anyway and he had landed a ship on low fuel before.

The stars transformed into long stripes again and the shuttle’s slight vibration, as well as the instruments in front of him showed him that he had jumped to lightspeed and that everything was going well.

Unable to keep his eyes open much longer he came to his feet again, feeling like he had aged at least fifty years over the past few days. He did not, however, want to fall asleep on the cockpit floor again. Not if something like a bed, a blanket and a feeling which came close to security, were at hand. No one and nothing would be able to harm him or the shuttle on their way through hyperspace.

Beebee-Ate was waiting for him at the bottom of the ramp, followed him to the passenger compartment and Poe suspected that the droid would not let him out of his sight for quite some time. It was an almost comforting thought.

 

 

Nar Shadaa had never been on the list of planets he desperately wanted to see. Basically every planet governed by the Hutts was an undesirable destination in Poe’s opinion, but Nar Shadaa was also one of the few planets on which the Order would be absolutely unable to find him, But still... this place was huge with a population, which seemed to be put together from all species in the galaxy. No one on this forsaken planet wanted to be found. No one, Poe guessed, was using their real name. No one, and that was probably the most important thing, would ask questions about his business.

            The Smuggler’s Moon resembled Corouscant, when one looked down at it from space, but as soon as you pushed through the atmosphere and approached the countless canyons formed by worn-out buildings covering the planet’s surface, you realized at once that you really shouldn’t get lost here. One single step in the wrong direction and you ran the risk of losing everything on your person. If you got lucky.

            Poe had strapped the Stormtrooper’s blaster to his leg, trying very hard not to show his discomfort at seeing so much of what felt like the galaxy’s underbelly. Under different circumstances he may have felt more at ease, but moving through Nar Shadaa’s streets felt especially foolish in his current state. He had no other choice however. He had been right. No one had asked a single doubtful question when the shuttle, so obviously belonging to the First Order, hat landed on one of the central ports. The operator, an obviously untrustworthy Trandoshan female, had bought the shuttle as soon as she had given it a once over and had been satisfied at the good shape it was in. Poe had taken her up on her very bad offer, not caring about how many credits he got for it. He had gotten rid of the ship and hopefully the First Order along with it.

            He was moving over bridges, pushing through crowds of creatures belonging to species he was either familiar with or not at all, just trying to get away from the port as quickly as possible. Beebee-Ate was close at his heels. The droid seemed determined not to let more than a couple of inches get between him and his master and Poe did not begrudge the droid his mistrust of this place. He himself didn’t feel any different, even though he had to admit that he wouldn’t be able to put up a fight to defend his companion in his current state. Poe tried not to let his anxiety show and didn’t keep his hand on his blaster, even though he desperately wanted to cling to a weapon right now. He kept going. Further and further into this jungle of lawlessness pretending he had a goal and not letting show that he only wanted to get off the radar. For now anyway.

            When a drawn out, shrill beeping noise, amounting to a scream of desperation, sounded off behind him he whirled around. He could only just make out the giant, black, fur covered body making off in the other direction and getting lost in the crowd. Beebee-Ate wasn’t with him anymore! Cursing under his breath Poe made to follow the creature, which could only be a Wookie. He couldn’t even scream, couldn’t ask anyone to stop the Wookie and he knew that if he could have, most likely no one would have helped him. He was slow. Way too slow, but the crowd slowed the Wookie down as well. His leg muscles were no longer used to running, but Beebee-Ate’s desperate screams kept pushing him forward. He couldn’t lose Beebee again! Not after all they had been through together. He reached for the blaster and pulled it out of its blaster.  He didn’t even care that his lungs seemed to be bursting from the effort. He had reached a wide set of stairs overlooking a small square. And Poe saw the Wookie parting the crowd and heading off towards a narrow alleyway. Without hesitating Poe aimed the blaster at his victim and pulled the trigger. A Gungan standing next to him, threw him an annoyed look, as if this sort of thing happened all the time and was more of an inconvenience than anything else and tutted at Poe. Poe didn’t care. The Wookie had dropped to the ground and no one really seemed to care about him shooting someone in open daylight.

            Poe hurried to get down the stairs. He was breathing heavily now and black stars were dancing before his eyes, but when Beebee-Ate rolled in his direction and lightly bumped against his leg, Poe knew that he would have kept running even further. Relieved he put a hand on Beebee’s had, wiped the sweat from his brow and indicated to the droid that they’d have to keep going before a possible accomplice could show up and take revenge. Poe’s heart was beating so fast he felt like it would rip open his chest from the inside. This was not a planet he’d like to stay on indefinitely.

            Just as he and Beebee-Ate had reached a narrow side street where Poe hoped to catch his breath, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Poe whirled around, blaster still in hand and he was just about to pull the trigger when he recognized the face in front of him.

            “Dameron?” A wide grin revealed two rows of pearly white and pointed teeth. “Who’d have thought I’d run into you here of all places. Why did you kill my partner?” Despite her words she didn’t appear to be particularly sorry about the loss.

            Poe took a deep breath and combed through his hair with his free hand, but he didn’t relax the hand in which he was holding the blaster. Just in case. She had admitted that the Wookie had been her partner and whatever she’d tell him next, he knew that Satora Heec was a first class smuggler and those couldn’t be trusted. “Satora...” his voice was still rough and quiet. It seemed like a miracle that she could understand what he was saying.

            Beebee-Ate’s sensors gazed warily from Poe to the Twi’Lek, who suddenly started laughing and threw her arms around Poe before he could take a step back. She pulled him into a tight embrace he hadn’t been prepared for and which threatened to throw him off balance. Poe shook his head, not really able to grasp what was happening here. Considering the speed with which something entirely different and unexpected seemed to be thrown in his direction every half hour these days, he was sure to lose his mind sooner rather than later. He tried to adapt quickly and allow the smuggler who had helped him get off Jakku to hug him. If he tried being honest with himself, he was even glad to feel another person’s warmth. But still.

            “So how did you do it?” She let go of him but her hands were still on his shoulders and her huge lavender eyes were fixated on his. She blinked as if trying to get rid of something in her eyes. “Your execution at least didn’t really increase my hopes of seeing you again.”

            The corners of Poe’s mouth twitched and he shrugged. He was lost. How was he supposed to tell this smuggler anything if he had to keep his mouth shut? For now he only pointed to the huge heavy corpse he was responsible for, behind Satora and which was already surrounded by a gang of greedy looking Luttrilians. Poe turned to face Satora again with a shudder when he saw them looking for valuables on the body which couldn’t even be cold yet.

            Satora had followed his gaze only for a moment and then shrugged her white shoulders. “I only met him a couple of hours ago. I just wanted to see whether he’d be able to steal anything, so I pointed out your droid.” She looked down at Beebee-Ate who immediately took cover behind Poe’s legs and pointed a flaming wielding torch at Satora who shook her head. “Don’t worry, I’ll let your master keep you.”

            The Beebee-unit however didn’t withdraw his weapon, just like Poe didn’t put away his blaster. Too much had happened and he couldn’t bring himself to trust the smuggler, even if he felt like he should. She looked him over and sighed. “I helped you once, why would I want to kill you now, Poe?”

            Poe. No one had called him that in days. Weeks even. Just Poe. His hands were shaking as he remembered Jakku and the moment the scavenger had picked him up in the desert. He had taken Poe to this woman, the owner of the _Purple Pride_ and had introduced them. She had told him flat out that she didn’t want to have anything to do with the Resistance or the Republic for that matter. But she had helped him anyway. Had taken him to a planet from which he could return to the Resistance and had been willing to make a detour for him. “I don’t know”, he croaked flatly, cursing his own weakness and the First Order for robbing him of his voice.

            “You’re in trouble again, I suppose?”

            Poe nodded feebly and Satora sighed.

            “Come on, let me buy you a drink. Maybe that’ll help you to talk more easily.”

            A tiny, cheerless smile crept up on Poe’s lips as Beebee-Ate shoved at his legs. The astromech obviously wasn’t too keen on the idea and Poe couldn’t blame him. Without really picking one out he pointed at one of the three cantinas in their immediate vicinity. That way he wasn’t really tempting fate by allowing Satora to pick one, where another one of her cronies might be waiting for him, so they could drug him again and sell him out to the Order. She, however, seemed to know exactly what was going on and put her hands on her hips. Poe heard the quiet creaking sound of her leather jacket and remembered his first encounter with her. She hadn’t changed outwardly since then at least and he could only guess about her sincerity in helping him. His attitude towards her and people in general had changed over the past few weeks and he didn’t like it at all. But he also couldn’t really help himself. Too much had happened...

            “I take it that you need some help to return to your friends just like last time?”, she asked.

            Poe shrugged. Of course he did and she knew it.

            “Without raising suspicion or drawing attention to yourself?” Before he could nod in agreement, she had taken his arm and was leading him in the direction of the cantina which didn’t look appealing at all anymore. He had picked it out at random and regretted it now. The shabby outside looked less welcoming than its surroundings and that was saying something. But he still let Satora lead him there. If he tried to find another place there would be no guarantee of that cantina being any safer than this one. He watched as Satora looked down at a humanoid sleeping on the ground next to the cantina’s entrance and picked up the dirty robe the stranger was using as a blanket before throwing it over Poe’s shoulders without saying a word. The green skinned male huddled closer to the wall without waking up.

            “Don’t feel too sorry for him,” she murmured in his ear when she saw the disgusted look on Poe’s face, which was more due to the smell of sweat and general uncleanliness inside the robe than anything else. Still he pulled the reeking hood into his face. She was right. He had to try and stay as undetected as possible. Satora couldn’t be the only creature in the galaxy who had seen his execution.

            She pushed him in the direction of a vacant table in one corner of the cantina and Poe caught the waitress’ eye and held up to fingers. He had no idea what they would serve him here but it was safer for him to order the drinks than Satora. Beebee-Ate immediately rolled underneath the high sticky table as if trying to take cover from potential thieves and Poe let himself drop on one of the booth’s seats covered with worn red leather.

            “So...” Satora looked him over again and raised an eyebrow. “I can’t take you back into Republic territory. My last business trip wasn’t exactly pleasant and I can’t risk to show my face there at the moment. I’ve still got a contact though...” Her eyes started twinkling and for a moment Poe was wondering if that contact was another business relation of hers or something else entirely.

            Now it was Poe’s turn to raise an eyebrow, but he let her continue talking since he couldn’t interrupt her anyway. The waitress, a pretty young human woman showed up next to them and placed two tall glasses filled to the brim with a dark brown beer in front of them. Poe exhaled, relieved to see that the liquid in the glass wasn’t murky and the foam pearly white and thick. He looked back up at Satora and focused all his attention on her.

            “Let me guess, you want your return from the dead to remain a secret? You wouldn’t have come here otherwise.”

            Poe nodded.

            She sighed once more, reached over the table and grabbed his glass, taking a sip from it. Poe crossed his arms in front of his chest grinning. So she wanted to prove to him that the drink wasn’t poisoned. He took the glass from her hand and drank from it. The beer was way too cold for his liking, but it felt nice running down his threat. The taste itself was indescribable after weeks and weeks of consuming nothing but grey mush and water. Swallowing was still painful, but he drained half the glass before looking back at Satora anyway.

            “Do you have a codename I can give to my contact?”

            Poe shook his head.  Every codename he could think of was very likely to echo around the galaxy or wasn’t safe to use anymore. He had no idea what had happened and so he couldn’t go running around and revealing himself by accidentally using a codename he shouldn’t be using in his current situation. He couldn’t risk it. Meelan Bendar had to be protected for as long as possible. He owed Morap’s brother his life after all.

            “So you don’t know what the Order’s been up to lately?”

            Poe froze and put his glass back on the dirty table top. Immediately thousands of pictures shot through his head. Scenes of chaos and havoc he had caused. “What?”, he whispered soundlessly. He had to know. Had to know, whether the information he had given up had already caused more damage than he could’ve dreamed of.

            Satora bit on her lower lip and took a sip from her own glass. “Well, when they... killed you... as an example... you know Commander Dameron of the Resistance, we were all watching. No one really believed what they were seeing and that they were really doing this publically. First the Hosnian System and then this, it was like they were really sure of themselves and then their armada started attacking the Core Worlds. About thirty Star Destroyers and there was next to no fighting. The Resistance has grown so weak since the attack on Starkiller Base and after the Order nearly destroyed their next base. The Republic’s fleet is all but gone and the declaration of war could not have been plainer, and now they’re heading for Corouscant.”

            Poe frowned. What Satora was telling him didn’t sound like good news at all. Everything but that but he had to admit that he was relieved. He had only ever been a diversion. His information had not helped the First Order in the slightest.

            “I think you have to show them.” Satora’s eyes grew cold. Determined. “Show them that they won’t be able to destroy you or the Resistance. Show them-“ She broke off, when Poe held up a finger, cutting her off. She was glowering at him by now.

            He shook his head. “Had help. Not openly.”, he croaked tonelessly and pointed back at Satora.

            She understood. He couldn’t do it, because he had to protect someone, but she... what about her? She was comfortable enough showing off her own anger and frustration with the Order to Poe, who could relate to each and every sentiment. Of course smugglers didn’t have an easy life within the New Republic, but the Empire had been even worse for business. Everyone, who had ever seen the inside of a school and had to attend history classes, knew that. But the First Order was worse than the old Empire. More determined, more extreme and more ruthless than the Empire had ever been and no one, who valued his own personal freedom in the slightest, would have to stand up to the Order or suffer the consequences sooner or later.

            Satora held up her hands dismissively. “I don’t want anything to do with this!”, she exclaimed loudly.

            Poe folded his arms across his chest again. Why not? She had so much to lose! Why didn’t she want to put up a fight for her own benefit?

            She shook her head decisively and one of her thin lekkus slipped over her shoulder.

            Poe stayed silent at this, too exhausted to argue. The couple of words he had spoken, the hunt for the Wookie and everything that had happened these last couple of days, was taking its toll.

            “Are you going to let me take you to my ship?”, she asked quietly and with a hint of regret at her outburst.

            Beebee-Ate uttered a couple of warning noises from under the table, but Poe ignored the droid. He needed rest and he couldn’t possibly fall asleep here. He most likely couldn’t trust anyone here on this planet, no hotel manager who might pick up on his weakness or any other living soul for that matter. Not even Satora. But at least she had helped him once before and her fury at the First Order didn’t appear to be an act in Poe’s eyes. He nodded, which made Satora smile again. Poe was almost tempted to return her smile.

            “I’m going to contact her as soon we’re on my ship,” she said. “But they have to come and pick you up.

            Poe nodded once again and drained his glass. Corouscant and the other Core Worlds were threatened. It was all too apparent that the First Order was trying really hard to reestablish the Empire’s former glory and return to power. It was very likely that they would succeed as well. The New Republic had made itself more than vulnurable by pushing for disarmament in all its systems and the Resistance was weakened. He knew that they had next to no chance against the Order but he could not and would not give up until he had done everything in his power to bring down the First Order.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whether enjoyed reading this or hated every word of it, please leave a comment ;)


	13. Chapter 13

“Did you steal that droid?”

            “What?”

            “Did you steal that droid? You just escaped from the First Order, barely, by the looks of it, and you’re wearing nothing but that horrid Stormtrooper’s overall, but that astromech is in perfect condition? Something’s off.” Satora leaned back with her arms crossed and watching Beebee-Ate intently, who still hadn’t moved away from Poe. “Does it belong to the Order? What do you want to do with it anyway?”

            Poe shook his head and took another gulp of the hot tea Satora had prepared for him. Swallowing still hurt, but something in this disgusting concoction in front of him quietened the anguish in his muscles.

            “He’s mine”, he explained quietly. He caught Satora’s eyes and shrugged. She had taken him to her ship, a shabby old freighter, next to which the _Millenium Falcon_ looked like a fine piece of art and Poe had decided to trust her. She had proven her reliability before after all. Why shouldn’t he put his faith in her again? He had a lot to lose, but being on the streets of Nar Shadaa, especially in his condition, probably wasn’t a good idea. “The guy who helped me, gave him back to me.” Talking was still laborious work. Every syllable made him remember that horrible strap around his neck, but he kept talking even if it took him a long time to bring out the words. To him every intelligible tone he was able to push past his lips was a slap in the First Order’s face. Of course he knew that he owed this sense of triumph to someone else, but that didn’t change the fact that he preferred living to being dead. Despite everything.

            Satoras lifted one delicate eyebrow and reached for Poe’s empty mug, before getting up to get him some more. “It’s still a mystery to me how you did it,” she said on her way to the tiny kitchen unit. She had turned her back on him and couldn’t see his shrug, but she didn’t appear to be entirely interested in getting answers and only in getting rid of Poe again as quickly as possible.

            After she had brought him here, she had made sure that they hadn’t been followed and had left him alone on her ship to approach her mysterious contact person. She had left him alone on her treasured ship, which, in Poe’s book, was a sign of trust. She trusted him, and even if the ship was, and it most _likely_ was, equipped with means to make it difficult for anyone but Satora to fly it. Of course there was always a way to deactivate these mechanisms, but it would have taken time, and Poe knew that no smuggler in the whole galaxy would risk leaving someone on their ship who might very well be able to do just that.

Poe had been onboard the _Purple Pride_ before, back when Satora had helped him to get off Jakku. He still hadn’t found out where the ship’s name had come from. It might have something to do with Satora’s favourite colour, or something, because this ship was anything but purple. In fact it was hard to distinguish any colour on the ship’s outer hull, which resembled a patchwork quilt more than anything else. But Poe didn’t really care. The moment Satora had left him alone on her ship, he had stretched out on the bench in the main room and his eyes had fallen shut, fully aware that, in case Satora betrayed him after all, he wouldn’t be able to put up a fight against a squadron of Stormtroopers or bounty hunters anyway. He had immediately slipped into a dreamless sleep and only woken up when Satora had nudged his foot about half an hour before, with a mug of tea in her hand. The stuff tasted like straw, but was obviously doing its magic.

Satora turned on the holo before sitting down next to Poe again, the table between them, and crossed her legs. Poe couldn’t take his eyes off the holo, excitement pushing away all traces of tiredness as he recognised the Republic’s newsfeed despite the terrible reception. The Cerean, who was shown, looked sternly at the viewer. Poe had been familiar with the humanoid’s features since he was a child, had never seen him smile, but now the Cerean’s eyes looked even more serious than ever before. There was also something else in the reporter’s expression, which made Poe’s heart beat faster.

“After years of apparent cooperation following the singing of the Galactic Concordance after the final strike to the Galactic Empire at the Battle of Jakku, the First Order has now formally declared open war on the New Republic. Four months ago the First Order destroyed the Hosnian System, killing not only billions of people, but also impairing the Senate and crippling the Republic’s navy.”

Poe felt goose bumps creeping up on his back and folded his arms across his chest, trying to keep himself warm. His eyes were trained on the holo. This had to be a special broadcast. Behind the moderator they showed pictures. Moving holos showing X-Wings engaged in battle with Tie-Fighters... holos of Hosnian Prime, the best known politicians who had been killed in the First Order’s attack. People, in short, Poe recognized from having seen them before on the HoloNet. The director hadn’t decided on showing anything else though. Not the billions of sentient life forms, which had been blown to bits by the First Order with the push of a single button. Not the lives, which had ended without a chance of preparation or of fighting back. Not the pilots Poe had known back in the Republic’s navy. The ones who hadn’t joined him when he had gone to fight with the Resistance, and those who would never get the chance to do so, because they’d had to die. Like Morap. They were dead like so many others.

The director also didn’t show the uncounted beings who were being enslaved by the Order or used as cannon fodder. Not the Stormtroopers, who had died and who kept dying  just like everyone in the Hosnian System had, because their conditioning and their training left no room for a thought of rebellion. Just like Finn, until he had realized that he was different from all the other Stormtroopers. That he could be more. The thought brought tears to Poe’s eyes. Finn had managed to break free.

“Minor skirmishes between the Resistance, lead by General Leia Organa, and the First Order following the destruction of the Order’s Starkiller Base, led to the capture of an officer belonging to the Resistance.”

A picture of Poe in uniform. Just a standardized picture which was used for identification. Poe wiped his damp eyes and picked up his mug, when Satora slid it across the table in his direction. He was surprised that they declared him to be an officer in the Resistance. Until now the Resistance had been keen on keeping most of their fighters as much incognito as possible. Poe shook his head. Of course that didn’t matter anymore. The First Order had marked him down as a Resistance fighter and ended his life in the most public way possible. The Resistance was now more or less the only thing left in the Galaxy which resembled a military operation and which could openly fight for the Republic and democracy.

“Commander Poe Dameron, who had been fighting for the Resistance for many years before his capture,” the Cerean continued “was executed by the First Order for his affiliation with the Resistance and at the same time several Star Destroyers belonging to the First Order attacked the Republic’s Core Worlds.”

That was no news to Poe, thanks to Satora. But still he felt a shiver running down his spine as he saw the Destroyers attacking a planet. The holo had been recorded on the planet’s surface and he could see the shuttles carrying the Order’s soldiers shooting towards the ground. Stromtroopers.

“According to our information the Corellia and Recopi Systems have capitulated. It is impossible to establish contact to the people living on these planets. Reconnaissance drones sent by the Republic have been destroyed before any news could reach the government.” Poe bend over, elbows on his knees. He was feeling sick again. Those weren’t good news at all. Unable to focus his thoughts, he took another gulp of tea, even though it was still too hot to drink. He felt it burning his tongue, but he didn’t care. He just needed something to do. Something to occupy his hands.

“A spokesman of the Prime Minister’s office said a couple of hours ago, that the First Order is most likely headed to Corouscant next, thereby expanding its current territory to the Republic’s centre. The Galactic Empire and the Old Republic had their seat on Corouscant and it can be expected that the First Order is intending on re-establishing its rule from there, according to the spokesman. The inhabitants of the Core Systems however are asked to stay calm.”

Poe snorted, shaking his head. How could they expect the people on those planets to remain calm? He could already see the congested streets leading to space ports. The families and individuals, ready to do anything to get away from danger and the threat to themselves and their loved ones lives, even before this very disturbing broadcast. Without a warning the reporter vanished. Satora got up. She must have turned off the holo from where she had sat.

“Awesome...” she mumbled and Poe nodded, contemplating what he had heard and seen. “Didn’t your friend in the Order tell you that this was planned?”

Poe shrugged. “No friend,” he said. “Just an old friend’s brother and that was the only reason why he helped me.” He’d better shut up. He felt like he had said too much already and he fell silent again. Not just because talking hurt, but also because of Bendar.

“That doesn’t exactly make it easier for me to follow you.”

He threw her a tentative look and smiled, raising his hands in a gesture of forsakenness. Bendar hadn’t asked much of him, but Poe had already broken the most important promise he had made. He didn’t have to sell out Bendar outright, Poe thought. Not to a smuggler, no matter how often she proved to him that he could in fact trust her.

A deep humming sound saved him from her pressing him further for answers and he sat bolt upright.

Satora reached for her comm, which she was carrying in her belt, and looked down at the display. A text message, apparently. Her eyes quickly scanned over the words and she nodded. “From my source. I have no idea who they’re sending, but they have landed... your friends have, that is.”

“Where?” He tried hiding his uneasiness as he recalled that this meant facing those whose lives he had put on the line to avoid further pain, in only a couple of minutes.

“Two landing platforms over.” She checked that she had her blaster strapped on and looked down at him, hands on her hips. “Are you ready?”

Poe shook his head, but got up anyway. There was nothing else for him to do but go back to the Resistance and face the consequences for what he had done. “Come on, buddy,” he said to Beebee-Ate and followed Satora to the exit.

 

He couldn’t believe what he was seeing and just kept staring at the ship they were approaching. Poe had only seen this particular Corellian freighter two or three times in his life, but the stories he had heard about the _Millennium Falcon_ growing up had ensured that he had memorized every aspect of the ship’s grey and battle worn outer hull. Older ships had always been particularly fascinating for him, but he was more than just familiar with the _Falcon’s_ history. The ship was legendary, since it had not only been part of the Rebel Alliance’s struggle against the Galactic Empire but was also incredibly fast, owing to its pilots’ ingenuity. Han Solo and Chewbacca were just as legendary. But Solo was dead and the last time Poe had seen the _Falcon_ , Rey and Chewbacca had left in it to find Skywalker. To see the ship here, now, was more than unexpected and “surprise” would not have been an adequate enough word to describe what he was feeling now upon seeing the freighter. Had the Resistance sent Rey and Chewbacca to come and get him? Poe looked at the grey outer hull of the ship and to the back which he and Satora were now walking towards. The engines had just been turned off and Poe was wondering who might be sitting in the Cockpit.

            “You really like that piece of junk, huh?” Satora asked, obviously amused about the expression on Poe’s face.

            Poe closed his mouth quickly and shrugged. Before Poe could stop him, Beebee swooshed past him towards the _Falcon_ as the loading ramp was lowered and then Poe saw the man Beebee-Ate was hastening towards. Poe stood still. Unable to move, he stared at the man of whom he had thought so often and whom he had last seen in what felt like another life.

            Finn’s outward appearance hadn’t changed and he hadn’t seen Poe yet. He just stared at Beebee-Ate as if he couldn’t quite believe his eyes and slowly looked up. The blaster held tight in his hand, he appeared to be ready to shoot at the first sign of a threat, in case the Resistance fighter they had been asked to fetch, turned out to be a spy, but now Finn lowered both of his arms. Finn’s lips moved soundlessly. Lips, which Poe hat thought of, even dreamed about, so often. Eyes, which had kept Poe awake during seemingly endless nights, found Poe’s. The face, Poe had desperately tried to keep alive in his memory was only feet away from him now and he felt his heart sink. He just stared at the man in front of him, ashamed and afraid of something that was threatening to rip the ground from underneath his feet. He felt numb. Like he’d never feel his body again. Like all the air had been sucked out of his lungs.

            “Poe Dameron...” It wasn’t a question that was fighting its way past Finn’s lips. Neither was it an observation. It was something Poe couldn’t quite put his finger on. As if rooted to the spot Finn had stopped moving as well. They were only a couple of inches apart by now but none of them dared to move forward.

            “So you know each other, I see?” Satora, still next to him, laughed, apparently embarrassed, but Poe didn’t even look at her. He couldn’t. The universe appeared to have shrunk around him and  was now only to containing Finn and him. Keeping them apart by an invisible barrier at the same time.

            “Who is it?”, shouted a young woman’s voice from inside the _Falcon_ and the next moment, Rey entered Poe’s field of vision, when she came down the ramp behind Finn. Her eyes widened in shock and she stared at him just as Satora had done. After a moment she shook her head and waved off Beebee-Ate’s euphoric greeting. “Finn, it’s Poe!”, Rey stated the obvious. “And Beebee-Ate!” She grinned widely, apparently ready to accept the impossible, no matter how paralyzed Finn was upon its discovery.

            “Hey...” Poe said, barely audible and he knew that his voice would not carry over the constant noise of Nar Shadaa. Darkness had crept over this side of the moon and the night-time commotion were deafening. He had no chance of making himself heard, but for Finn the mere movement of his lips appeared to be enough. As if pushed by an invisible force Finn  broke free of his paralysis and he almost stumbled towards Poe. Next moment Poe felt Finn’s strong, heavy arms around his body, felt himself being pulled into a hug by the man whose face had kept him awake and in a certain state of sanity during nights of madness. He couldn’t believe it. Was unable to move a muscle, to return the embrace and just kept standing there, heart hammering in his chest, incapable of even pronouncing Finn’s name. He shut his eyes tightly, trying to calm himself and assure his lungs of the fact that he could start breathing again, even though Finn’s embrace seemed to force every bit of air back out again. Finn’s smell was indescribable and Poe just felt like he could stay like this forever.

            “Eh-“ Satora’s voice reached his ears, but Poe was unable to reply anything to this unarticulated question. Nothing at all. He kept still, trying to catch his breath as Finn let go of him and grabbed his face. Finn’s hands were warm and almost soothing on his bruised skin and Poe felt tears cloud his vision.

            “How... how are you still alive?”, asked Finn, his dark eyes wide and Poe shook his head.

            “Later...”, he promised, blinking rapidly and hoping for a second that Finn would lean in. Kiss him. But then he felt that pang of guilt and was glad that Finn didn’t. He wanted to tell Finn everything. Everything. Starting with Morap and ending with Poe’s failure and the unhoped for and undeserved rescue. Hesitantly he put up his hand and put it around Finn’s, pulled it down and wanted to let go, but he couldn’t. Behind Finn’s back he saw Rey approaching. She pushed Finn aside unceremoniously and threw her arms around him. This embrace was less hard to take, even though Poe knew that Rey, this woman who should be with Skywalker right now, but was here instead, would surely demand answers to Finn’s questions sooner rather than later.

            When she let go of him, she turned to the smuggler still standing behind Poe, who felt awkward as he stood back to make room for Rey. Finn was still holding on tight to his hand, kept staring at him, but Poe had to force himself to return the gaze. What would Finn say when he found out, how easily Poe had broken under the First Order’s pressure?

            “Satora Heec?” Rey beamed and stretched out a hand to Satora. “So you’re the hero who saved the best pilot in the Resistance?”

            With a shake of her head Satora took Rey’s hand. “Not really. I just found him,” Satora said grinning. “I guess I got lucky. I just hope that you don’t lose him again in the near future.” She winked at Poe, whose face grew hot.

He forced his lips into a small grin and shrugged again. “Thank you, Satora”, he said.  Finn’s hand in his felt unfamiliar. Like something that shouldn’t really be there, something he didn’t deserve holding, but he still couldn’t and wouldn’t let go. Tentatively he squeezed the hand holding his.

Satora nodded and held up a hand in farewell. “Please, give my love to the Resistance.” She made to turn around. Poe didn’t even try and persuade her to join them. For one he knew that she wasn’t interested in this fight, on the other hand he had a hard enough time as it was facing those whose lives he had put on the line.

“Wait! Your reward!” Rey’s hand flew to her belt, apparently to pull out some credits to pay for the safe return of their charge, but Satora shook her head.

“I just let him sleep on my ship for a couple of hours. There wasn’t really much to do for me. Just take him home.” She winked at Poe and then turned around, making her way back to her ship. Poe could see the _Purple Pride_ from where he was standing. Tentatively he looked back to Finn, who still seemed unable to process what had happened in the last couple of minutes.

“Why you?”, Poe croaked, unable to contain a tiny smile. Now that he had gotten over the shock of seeing Finn here, and especially so soon, he was able to breathe more calmly. He still felt exhilarated and insecure at the same time. This was all happening too fast. Beebee-Ate pushed past Rey and up the _Falcon’s_ loading ramp, obviously eager to get away from here.

Finn shrugged, but before he could start explaining, Rey opened her mouth. Poe had met the young woman only once, but she appeared to be full of energy and unable to stand still for even a moment now that they had found Poe. “I didn’t want him to come here alone.” There was something about her, that Poe couldn’t quite grasp. It was a mixture of appeal and liveliness, which completely threw Poe. It had nothing to do with the way Poe had been seemingly overpowered by Finn, or Morap before him, but something else entirely. Something for which Poe couldn’t seem to find the right words.

“You wanted to come here alone?” Poe raised an eyebrow. Finn couldn’t have known that he’d find Poe here and, as far as Poe knew, Finn had never flown a spaceship in his life.

“That’s just about what I said.” Rey said.

Poe looked away from Finn, still feeling the contact of skin from their interwoven fingers. The sensation of security he felt at this mere touch felt utterly idiotic. And Rey, unlike Finn, had changed a great deal as far as Poe could tell, even though he couldn’t quite say where he got that impression. She seemed to be even more confident than before and, despite her excitement, more relaxed. And then he spotted the longish cylindrical device on her belt. Of course... she had gone looking for Skywalker, was training with him... she was on her way to becoming a Jedi herself.

“Yes, Rey is a Jedi now,” Finn said as if he had read Poe’s thoughts. Rey raised her eyebrows at Finn as if he had to add something to that, but he ignored her. “Let’s go inside..”

Poe felt a lump in his throat and swallowed hard, wishing he could have another mug of that horrid tea, as he let Finn pull him inside the ancient freighter.  Beebee-Ate was waiting for them in the curved corridor. “Is Chewbacca here?”, Poe asked. His voice was already faltering again. He followed Rey into the _Falcon’s_ cockpit. His eyes quickly took in the instruments and consoles. The Wookie wasn’t here.

“He stayed with Leia,” Rey said, dropping down into the pilot’s seat as if that was the most natural thing to do. It probably was, even though it had once belonged to the legend that had been Han Solo. Was this ship hers now? Poe shook his head unbelievingly. He had heard so many stories about the _Falcon_ and it just felt wrong that General Solo was no longer there to fly it. The names Solo, _Millennium Falcon_ and Chewbacca formed an unbreakable trinity in Poe’s mind which could not be broken apart by anything. They were a unit like Hoth and snow.

Rey seemed to feel his struggle to grasp what was happening  and turned around to face him with a smile, but her light brown eyes showed her inner sadness, which immediately pushed away Poe’s confusion. She missed Solo, just like he missed so many other people who had vanished from his life.

“Thank you...”, he said quietly, finally letting go of Finn’s hand and sitting down in the chair behind the co-pilot’s seat, which he left to Finn, even though he knew that he himself should feel like taking that seat. But he didn’t. Not only did Poe not feel up to the task, not now, probably not ever again, he realized, but he also didn’t feel like he deserved it. Instead he watched with a sense of astonishment, how casually and how naturally Finn was handling the instruments and how Finn’s hands flew over the consoles. Slowly Finn turned his head to face him as if he was about to try and explain what was happening here and Rey kept staring out of the windshield, as if she was embarrassed to be here.

“Poe...” Finn bit down on his lower lip and shook his head. “I-“

“Damn it!” Rey’s exclamation made Poe flinch. The urgency in her voice couldn’t mean anything good.

“What?” Finn stared at the consoles, trying to find something wrong, but Poe saw what was going on immediately. His eyes had flown upwards at Rey’s curse. The sky over Nar Shadaa could only be spotted between the brightly illuminated buildings, but he immediately recognized the Tie-Fighters racing towards them.

“Oh damn...” Finn said, but it was merely a silent echo of what Poe was feeling as he saw the enemy approach. He felt his body go stiff, all his muscles tense and it was as if he felt the electricity running up his body again. His hands were shaking. The First Order. Here. On Nar Shadaa.

“Finn!” Rey whirled around to look at her co-pilot. “I need you to man the guns. We have to get away from here. NOW!” Finn jumped to his feet, quickly looked at Poe and then ran off to obey Rey’s order. Beebee-Ate rolled into the cockpit, screaming loudly and shrilly. “Keep calm, Beebee, we’re getting off this rock, I promise!” She turned to Poe. The Tie-Fighters were getting closer. From a distance he saw laser beams slamming into an illuminated, shabby building. The shots came from further up, not from the Ties. This attack was most likely not aimed at the _Falcon_ then. That was something. “Poe, can you help me out?”

The honest answer was, that he wasn’t sure. About anything. But he got up anyway and sat down in Finn’s chair the same moment Rey let the engines roar to life. His eyes flew over the consoles, trying to familiarize himself with them. He could immediately figure out what most of them were for. He could handle this and he felt his shoulder relax immediately. He nodded. “We can do this...”, he said quietly, trying to think of the best way to get away from here. The Ties, which had ignored them so far, were heading straight towards them, now that Rey had turned on the engines.

“Finn! They’re coming!”, Rey shouted over her shoulder.

“I’m ready!” Finn sounded sure of himself, like this had become routine. When had this happened? Poe remembered only too well Finn’s excitement and insecurity at manning the guns during their flight from the _Finalizer._

Poe threw a look at Rey, then started raising the shields. They were up faster than he would have expected and were at full capacity within mere seconds. Solo had really done some amazing things to this ship.

With incredible speed the _Falcon_ shot forwards, keeping close to the ground and Poe marvelled at the ease with which Rey, who couldn’t have flown too many ships in her short life, manoeuvred it through narrow gaps between buildings without a trace of hesitation. Poe could see how close the Ties were now on the monitors in front of him and tried not to get distracted by the speeders racing out of their way to their left and right. His fingers flew over the dashboard in front of him, helping Rey in any way he could with each and every manoeuvre as if nothing had happened to make him feel insecure about flying a ship. His heart was racing but something like a smile crept up on his lips, something he hadn’t thought possible during a situation like this anymore, as Finn managed to hit one of the Tie-Fighters with the laser cannon. They had gotten rid of one of their pursuers.

Rey threw the freighter around one hundred eighty degrees, as she flew through a particularly narrow gap and pulled up immediately. Through the windshield he could see how many other ships had taken off and were now opening fire at the attackers. He saw an old A-wing, only two metres next to them, shooting at a Tie-Fighter as they shot towards the sky. The inhabitants of Nar Shadaa were unwilling to let the First Order take over. He felt a sense of elation at this. The _Falcon_ was one of hundreds of ships, which had taken off as soon as the attack had started. It was as if everyone, who had been near their ship was willing to strike back before it was too late. This was it. He knew that this was not his fight, but the one all the smugglers and other criminals on this planet hat to fight, but he was glad to be a part of it.

Rey sped up, breaking atmosphere and entering the vacuum of space. Poe felt his entire body go numb at what he saw next. It was as if the First Order’s entire fleet had shown up and he immediately knew that the ships around them had not come here to fight. He knew that no smuggler would be willing to risk losing this battle and his ship along with it. Rey must have had the same thought. She threw a look at Poe, who only nodded.

“Let’s get away from here.” The words didn’t come to him easily, but he felt almost glad that this was the case. His spirit might not have been broken after all.

“Akisis”, Rey said with a slight nod.

Poe immediately started typing the coordinates into the navcomputer. A long since abandoned Rebel base in the Outer Rim. He felt relief spread through him. He had not told Bendar about this, had even forgotten about the base’s existence until now.

Rey turned around, just like all the other ships, which had taken off along with them. Within a couple of seconds the navcomputer had plotted their course and as the hyperdrive came to life and they jumped to light speed. Poe slumped back in his seat, wiping his brow.

The First Order had become so unbelievingly powerful within what felt like a couple of months. He’d never thought their fleet was this huge. And now they had taken Nar Shadaa. They had dared to attack Hutt Space and that in itself felt like a huge statement. The New Republic was next to defenceless now, but to attack the Hutts? Not even the Empire had managed to fully occupy Hutt Space and had found ways to deal with the galaxy’s underbelly in a different manner.

“I guess the Order has big plans...”, he mumbled and Rey nodded glumly.

He could only hope that Satora was doing alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! :-* I know, this chapter was a bit disappointing. Sorry about that ;)


	14. Chapter 14

** Chapter 14 **

 

“It’s going to take us a couple of hours to get there.” Rey got up and threw Poe a look, which made him feel extremely uncomfortable. She made to leave the cockpit but then appeared to change her mind and sat back down. “He didn’t do too well,” she said softly and so quickly that Poe couldn’t shake the feeling that Finn was standing just outside the cockpit in the corridor and could understand each word Rey was saying. “It’s good that you’re back and... not dead.” She winked at him. It was as if she knew exactly what was going on with him. For a moment Poe thought she’d put her hand on his shoulder, but then she let her hand drop into her lap again as if she could sense his shakiness. “How _did_ you get away?” she asked, louder this time and Poe turned his head to look at the door.

            Finn was standing there, his arms crossed and leaning in the doorway. It seemed to Poe as if he was doing everything in his power to keep up an appearance of confidence, but was barely able to contain his insecurity. “That’s what I’d like to know, too,” Finn said quietly and Poe looked down at his shoes, suddenly unable to face him. Shaking his head he buried his face in his hands, a giant lump in his throat. Just minutes before he had been sure that he’d be able to tell Finn everything.

            Rey cleared her throat audibly, drawing Finn’s attention towards herself. After a moment of suffocating silence, Poe felt a hand on his elbow. “Come with me.” Finn. “Please.”

            Slowly, and driven more by the urge to get away from Rey, because he couldn’t seem to stand her presence on top of everything else, he put down his hands. He didn’t want to be alone with Finn either, but this way he’d only have to endure one person’s presence. When he came to his feet he saw that Rey wasn’t even looking at him anymore. She sat on the pilot’s seat, her legs crossed and her eyes closed.

            Finn pulled him outside into the corridor, past the communal space, until they reached another door. When it opened, Poe saw that they had reached the crew quarters with two worn beds put into the wall and a tiny kitchen unit next to the door. The smell was strangely familiar to Poe. It reminded him of his mother’s old A-Wing somehow. “Sit down...”, Finn said quietly and let go of Poe’s elbow. Poe didn’t even have the energy to argue anymore and dropped down on one of the beds. “You have to be tired.”

            Poe nodded and looked up at Finn, who pushed a button which mad the door slide shut behind them and then went over to the kitchen unit to heat up some water. Everyone seemed to be intent on making him drink. Everyone. All the time. He hated being forced to swallow, but didn’t say anything and kept his eyes instead on Finn who still had his back turned on him.

Poe had hoped to see him again, so much and at the same time he had dreaded this moment ever since he had managed to escape with Bendar’s help. But he also felt relieved. Relieved that he hadn’t caused any permanent damage.

            When Finn had filled up the water boiler he turned back to Poe, who could suddenly see despair in the other’s eyes. Despair which made Poe feel cold spread through his entire body. Finn bit down on his lower lip, apparently unsure of how to proceed now. Of what to say even. Poe folded his hands, so Finn didn’t see how much they were shaking. For a moment they just stared at each other, neither one able to say anything, before Poe surrendered and looked down at the grey floor at his feet. He could hear the hyperdrive humming through the thin walls and the quiet rumbling of the life support system in the air vents.

            “I’m glad, you’re alright,” Poe managed to say after a while.

            He heard slow footsteps walking towards him. “May I?”

            Poe nodded. The fact that Finn seemed to feel like needed his permission, made him feel even worse. But then he realized that he should have expected this. They had only been close for about half an hour. Poe had dreamed of  that kiss so often that by now it felt more like a dream itself than memory. He moved a couple of inches to the side when Finn sat down next to him. No matter how much he wanted to grasp Finn’s hand and hold on tight, he couldn’t bring himself to disentangle his own hands clutching each other.

            “I know that you don’t want to talk about it.”

            Poe nodded again. He didn’t want to talk about it, but Finn deserved the truth. Every word Poe had to say, Finn had to hear.

            “Hm..” Finn said, but didn’t do anything to get closer to Poe. “You know that I’m fully aware of what they’re capable of?”

            Hesitantly Poe looked up again, staring at the door instead of the floor now. From the corner of his eye he saw Finn sitting so close to him that their knees were almost touching.

            Finn sighed and lay down on the bed behind Poe, who could feel his heart hammering in his chest and his entire body go stiff. The thought, that he may be expecting too much from Finn, just by being with him, even like this, started creeping up on him and it made him feel sick. Whatever Finn said, Poe felt like he’s collapse under this sudden weight of guilt and insecurity. He couldn’t bring himself to speak. The water Finn had boiled was getting cold again. Poe couldn’t care less.

            “I almost ran off,” he heard Finn’s voice behind him and Poe turned around despite himself. Finn lay there, fully stretched out on the mattress and staring at the low ceiling in the bunk. “When I thought you were gone, I mean.”  He folded his hands across his chest. “I couldn’t to believe that the First Order killed you. They were sure that they had destroyed your X-Wing. No one believed me. Only Rey.”

            Poe sighed. “Tractorbeam.”, he said. “Probably a new design underneath their Destroyers. We always thought they were just in the front.” It was easier somehow just to add information to what Finn was saying. Slowly he felt his shoulders relaxing and he slid up the bed, so he was leaning against the bunk’s headrest next to Finn. Tentatively he stretched out one leg on the bed, but did his best not to touch Finn, even if he wanted to nothing more than to do just that. Poe felt like he wanted to run away from Finn, to save Finn from all of this, but at the same time he felt like he’d never want to get away from here. Finn put an end to his contemplations, when he took Poe’s hand in his as if he had read Poe’s thoughts and squeezed it tight.

For a moment Poe felt like their hands were made for each other. They seemed to be two parts of a puzzle that simply belonged together the way their contours completed each other. Simply to look at them took his breath away. “I only just managed to blow apart my navcomputer with my blaster before they opened the cockpit.” He still couldn’t meet Finn’s eyes and kept staring at their fingers.

            “I wanted to go looking for you.” Finn’s thumb gently stroked the back of Poe’s hand. “But I had no idea of where to start. I just kept waiting for news. Forever. And then the First Order announced that they had captured someone from the Resistance-“ He broke off and finally Poe managed to look directly at Finn, who was still staring at the ceiling and only slowly turned his head. “I watched it,” he whispered. “I didn’t want to, but I had to make sure that it wasn’t you. And then-“ He couldn’t keep going anymore and Poe closed his eyes.

            “I’m sorry”, he said quietly, shaking his head. “I was afraid you’d see it.” He felt the fear of that moment growing inside of him again like the echo of a horrible nightmare. Felt the noose around his neck, the steps which felt like they’d be his last. Saw Bendar’s face, betraying nothing. Nothing at all. No emotion. No remorse. Nothing. His entire body was shaking as he remembered the despair of those last moments. Especially now, that he saw what it had done to Finn. He knew what it felt like to lose someone you felt this special connection to. Any connection really. Finn seemed to feel just like Poe had felt so many years ago with Morap, and still did really. Poe didn’t even want to start thinking of his father. Not now.

            Finn pulled Poe’s hand closer and Poe felt his body relax slowly but surely. When Finn put his hand on his neck, gently tracing his fingertips over Poe’s skin,  Poe felt a shiver run down his spine, which had nothing to do with the terror he had felt that day, and let Finn pull him closer. He didn’t fight it, even allowed himself to lie down next to Finn on the narrow bed and put his hand on Finn’s chest. The sensation of Finn’s rapid heartbeat underneath his fingertips was the last incentive he needed to press his lips against Finn’s. Finn had been ready to leave the Resistance and go looking for him. He had grieved for him and now he was here. With him. A couple of days ago he would not have thought this miracle possible.

            For a moment it felt like the eternity of separation had never taken place. Finn returned the kiss greedily, letting go of Poe’s hand and pulling Poe’s body closer to him instead. Sighing Poe put his arms around Finn, held him close to his body. It had been too long. Too long since he had been allowed to cling to someone like this. Finn’s lips were familiar, moulded to his own perfectly and the warm breath on his skin seemed to rob him of his ability to think clearly. Heart hammering wildly in his chest and unable to process a single thought he pushed his body closer against Finn’s, let his tongue slide over Finn’s lower lip and for a moment he trembled at the thought of Finn, suddenly going tense, pushing him away, but he didn’t. Nothing happened for a moment, until Poe felt Finn’s hand running encouragingly through his hair with a desperation which was nothing if not contagious.

 

 

Finn was breathing heavily and Poe was sure, that if he got up now, his legs wouldn’t have been able to carry him. He let his hand slide over Finn’s side, enjoying the sensation of Finn’s smooth skin beneath his fingertips. Sighing he pressed his face against Finn’s shoulder, who had his arm around him. He could still feel his heart race and every breath he took felt like fire in his lungs. But still he was content with how heavy his limbs felt and was relieved to have been granted this time with Finn. To be this close to him. Poe had been taken aback with how urgently he had needed this and especially that it had been Finn who had taken the initiative.

            Poe’s lips traced Finn’s bare neck, tasted the salty sweat and knew, that he’d be unwilling to exchange anything in the entire galaxy for this moment. Anything at all. Ever. At the same time he was sure that he had never been this tired. It hadn’t even been particularly innovative, nor had it lasted as long as Poe would have hoped their first time might be, but the exhaustion of the last couple of weeks had taken its toll and he was glad to even have been able to spend this time with Finn. Reaching behind him Finn pulled up a blanket and covered them both with it. Poe felt himself growing even more tired.

            “Are you ever going to tell me how you did it?” Finn’s voice sounded tentative, as if he had taken minutes to formulate this question. Poe raised his head despite his fatigue. Finn pushed his fingers through Poe’s hair.

            Poe nodded. He didn’t want to, but he had to. Especially now. It had been the first time in years, since Morap really, that sleeping with someone had actually meant something to him and only now did he realize how desperate he had been to find what he had lost when letting himself be dragged into those few encounters he had had. He had always regretted it later. This moment, right here, had to be counted among the happiest of his life. And Finn deserved the truth. Now.

Poe reached out for Finn’s face, tracing the other’s nose with his fingertips. He gently stroked Finn’s lips. His jaw. It felt familiar and completely new at the same time. He loved how Finn’s lips twitched when Poe touched it, how he had moaned quietly, his eyelids fluttering, when he had come only a couple of minutes ago. For Poe it felt like he had never done anything else but touch Finn and be with him. This was something he actually had never experienced before. Never. But things with Morap had been so completely different in so many different ways. Poe sighed. “Beebee-Ate’s former owner and I-“ He broke off, shrugging and looked at Finn apologetically.

The other man knew, that he hadn’t been the first person Poe had shared a bed with. Finn raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything.

            “We were a couple until the First Order destroyed his starfighter with him onboard. Beebee-Ate and I have been a team ever since.” Somehow this was not as hard as he had anticipated, even if he saw flashes of Morap’s face with that beaming smile before his eyes. Even if it hurt, it felt even comforting to talk about Morap. Somehow the memory of Morap hadn’t been tarnished as deeply as he had feared. “I have no idea, where the Order brought me after they captured me, but the guy they sent to my cell to question me was Morap’s brother.” His throat felt uncomfortably tight again and he heard the roughness in his voice. He wasn’t used to talking anymore, had even talked as little as possible over the last couple of days and now his voice faltered. Finn appeared to understand and pressed his lips to Poe’s forehead without commenting on what Poe had said, before climbing over Poe’s body to get up. The blanket slid down, but Poe didn’t pull it back up again. Instead he watched Finn, whose pair of trousers threatened to slip down to his ankles. The scar on Finn’s back, which Ren’s lightsaber hat left there, had healed rather well, Poe thought, but it was still very much visible. Poe had felt it but hadn’t seen it yet. The view made the bruise around his neck itch.

            Finn held on tight to his trousers, but didn’t close the fly, as he walked towards the kitchen unit and filled two cups with water from the tap. When he came back to the bed, he was grinning slightly. Despite the bleak topic of conversation. Poe slid over to the other side and Finn lay back down next to him, pushing one of the cups into Poe’s hand. Without hesitation this time Poe leaned against Finn’s chest, revelling in Finn’s warmth. Greedily Poe gulped down some of the cool water. Satora’s tea had helped, he realized. Drinking was already easier to do, even without the tea’s immediate effect.

            “Keep going,” Finn demanded quietly. His fingers gently brushed over Poe’s cheek and he pulled Poe closer to him after he had taken the empty cup from Poe’s hand. After a moment’s hesitation he pushed the second cup into Poe’s hand, but Poe just stared at it without drinking.

            “I don’t know... it appeared like he felt he owed his brother something, even though Morap had run away from the First Order to join the Republic.” Poe looked up at Finn who started smiling. It appeared, like he was drawn to deserters especially, Poe thought. “I didn’t know about that until a couple of days ago, though. Bendar wasn’t squeamish during the questioning and I ... I said some things-“ He stopped himself before he could say anything that might sound like a feeble attempt at an excuse. He kept silent even after Finn had kissed his brow again as if to assure him that he understood. How could he? How could Finn even try to forgive him? Poe shook his head. “At least I didn’t say anything of use to the Order, or you wouldn’t be here. Bendar helped me. Somehow.” Poe thought of the Stormtrooper who had died for him. The one who had taken his place. He’d have to tell Finn about her as well. But not now. “And that’s how I got to Nar Shadaa. I promised him not to show my face in public and not to return to the Resistance...” He smiled without a trace of cheer inside of him. “But there are some promises I just can’t keep.”

            Finn nodded. “I wouldn’t have expected anything else from you,” he said quietly after a while. “General Organa sent Rey and me to come and get you.. she must have thought I’d bail anyway sooner rather than later and, like she said, Rey didn’t want me to go alone. I couldn’t stand it anymore on that base. I was just happy to get away from there... but who’d have thought that I’d find you again...”

            Poe nodded. “I’m glad she sent you,” he murmured. His eyelids were growing heavy again and he didn’t want to do anything but sleep. He had so many questions. About him. About Rey and Skywalker. About what had happened, but not now. Now he only wanted to sleep and relish, at least for a couple of hours, in the security Finn’s mere presence provided. He felt the blanket sliding back over his bare shoulders again. He didn’t need the additional warmth. Not really.

            “Me too,” he heard Finn whisper and there was something else, but Poe was already too far gone to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, they’re back together. Hope you liked it! There’s only one chapter and the Epilogue to go :(


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it... I hope you enjoy the last chapter and the Epilogue!

Chapter 15

The woman sitting across from him was staring at him intently. Her brown eyes were fixated on his as if she were trying to read his mind. General Leia Organa, former Imperial Senator, Princess of Alderaan and leader of the Rebel Alliance in the past and now of the Resistance, had never been a happy or constantly smiling person. Not as far as Poe could tell anyway. But when she had realized that it was him who Finn and Rey were returning to the Resistance, she had broken into a smile.   
She wasn’t smiling now however.  
His mouth was incredibly dry. For the first time he had told someone the entire story. Even the things he hadn’t told Finn. About Bendar, the questioning, the flight and most of all about his failure. The disappointment showing on her face was palpable, but she didn’t express it verbally.  
“In understand,” she said quietly after a while in her deep calming voice. She sighed, massaging her temples. For a moment there was utter silence as she folded her hands on the table top and stared down at them.  
Poe had to restrain himself not to turn around. To the door behind which Finn was waiting for him.   
The new Resistance Base was an ancient structure on an uninhabitable moon. The Base was more of a research base than anything else, separated from the vacuum of space by a strong energy field. During Imperial times this outpost had been barely used by the Rebel Alliance and that was exactly why it was one of the safest places for the Resistance now. As soon as the Falcon had docked onto the station, Finn had taken him as inconspicuously as possible to one of the conference rooms, where General Organa had been waiting for him. It had been she who had recruited him years ago, a few months after Morap’s death, and it had been she, who had received him back now. Poe had not been surprised when she had sent Finn to wait outside, but he had started missing him as soon as Finn had left the room. Poe owed him a full explanation as well.  
After a while, Organa got back up again. “We were counting on them to follow us and sent word to the rest of the fleet to rendezvous at a different, neutral location. It took us ages to start establishing a new base here.  
Poe nodded, keeping his eyes on Organa. He had disappointed her and the feelings of guilt, which sent stabs of shame through his entire body every time he remembered what he had done, seemed to be intent on drowning him now.  
“You didn’t do any real damage, Poe. I’m just glad we got you back in one piece. More or less.” He gaze moved from his eyes to the bruise on his neck which he couldn’t hide properly with the overall’s black fabric. He felt his skin itch, but made no move to ease the irritation. Organa already knew how miserable he felt without him needing to show her.  
“General, I-“  
She raised a hand, cutting him off, and assuring him at the same time with this single gesture that she may be disappointed but not angry. For some strange reason she did not blame him. Sitting back down again she pulled the datapad closer towards her, which had been lying unused on the tabletop. She typed something and Poe kept watching her. After a while Organa sighed. “Morap Bendar...” she said “He was a pilot in the Republic’s navy and this other Bendar, whom you... met ... when the First Order captured you was...”  
Poe nodded and swallowed hard. “His brother,” he said quickly. “General, I have to try to protect him for as long as possible. I owe him that... and Morap.” He heard the desperation in his voice and kept staring at Organa with pleading eyes. He himself couldn’t quite grasp it. Somehow Bendar and him had entered a contract. A contract which neither of them could break easily, despite everything. Poe owed him for his help, even though he could still feel every bruise on his body, could still see the cruel look in Bendar’s eyes... at the same time Bendar must have felt like he owed Morap and Poe through him.  
Her smile took him off guard. “At this point I must say that it would have been nice to discredit the First Order by showing some media coverage of you returning, but I understand what you’re saying of course.” She turned off the datapad and pushed it back towards the centre of the table. “Do I understand it correctly that you want to go back on duty right now, Poe?”  
The question alone suggested to him that she didn’t think that this was a good idea. On the contrary. But he smiled crookedly all the same “General...”, he began, but trailed off again, trying to find the right words to phrase his request. “As you know, I don’t want to be forced into a situation in which I’d be required to betray Bendar’s misplaced trust openly, but I also know what I owe the Resistance and everyone here.” He had betrayed her and the entire Resistance and living with this knowledge was hard enough. He knew that he could only bear it if he did something about this whole situation as soon as possible.  
“That is very impressive, Poe, but have you looked at yourself in a mirror recently? You’re dead on your feet! You may think that you’re fit for duty, but you certainly don’t look it.”  
Poe snorted in response. Of course he knew what condition he was in and he understood completely what Organa was trying to tell him: she had no intention of allowing him back inside an X-Wing until he had been cleared by a medic physically and mentally. “Yes, General, I did look at myself in a mirror.” His voice was calm, but there was still that trace of desperation hiding behind the words. He had not even been surprised to spot another grey hair when he had looked at himself in the sanitation unit onboard the Falcon shortly before their arrival.  
She nodded. “Then I’m sure you’ll understand, why I want to send you home right now.” She held up one hand, before he could protest. “Your father is still under the impression that he lost his only son. For how long are you intending on letting him believe that, Poe? On top of that you need rest. You are everything but fit for duty and I do not want to lose you again. Don’t you think that you’ve used up all the damn luck a person could have?”  
Poe bit on his lower lip. He knew that she was right. The only reason he was still alive was luck. He even had to admit, that the thought of not going back into the field right away, to spend some more time with Finn and away from everyone else was almost alluring. But no more than that. He was fully aware that they didn’t have the time. “General, the First Order is not going to wait for our next move. Not now that they have come so far.”  
Organa looked at him stone faced. Poe remembered that she had not only lost her husband to war, but also her homeworld, every political ally when the Hosnian System was obliterated and he knew that he had hit a sore spot.  
“Just give me a chance, General. I don’t know how to live with myself anymore, especially-“  
“You know, you’re not the first Person to crumble under the pressure of interrogation, Poe, stop blaming yourself! Believe me, I know how you feel, but it’s no use crying over spilt milk.” She sighed again, as if trying to calm herself and rubbed her eyes. Poe kept quiet. She didn’t have to verbalize her request for silence. After a while she folded her hands again. “Nar Shadaa has fallen to the First Order, you say?”  
Poe nodded again, but didn’t say anything else.  
“Which means that the planet’s resources, everything the smugglers, pirates and other criminals left behind belongs to our enemy now.” She pressed her lips together, so her mouth became a very thin line and surveyed Poe, rubbing her thumb over her forefinger. Her brow was furrowed and he could basically watch her think and coming to a conclusion. She just started inhaling air before speaking, when her comm went off. Her eyes widened, and then she pulled the comm out of her pocket and placed it on the table.   
Poe recognized the figure of Admiral Ackbar being projected as a tiny hologram in front of her. He could only see Ackbar’s back, but he’d recognize the Mon Calamari’s voice anywhere,  
“Ackbar?”  
“Leia,” the confidential address told Poe that Ackbar most likely didn’t know that General Organa was in the middle of a meeting. “The Republic’s contact to Corouscant has been cut off a couple of minutes ago, just after Star Destroyers entered the system.”  
Poe raised an eyebrow and looked intently at General Organa, but she only had eyes for Ackbar’s projection in front of her. Her face showed a mixture of incredulity and resignation.  
“Well, that’s what we have been waiting for,” she said, her voice calm. “I’ll be with you in a minute, Admiral.” The hologram vanished with a slight whirr and slowly but surely Organa raised her head and met his gaze. She looked at Poe for another moment and he could see the struggle within her as she made her next decision. “Welcome back, Commander,” she said and got up again. “You should be grateful that we’re not part of the Republic, or that sentence would have cost me a lot of paperwork. You will be expected at Command, after you’ve cleaned yourself up.” She didn’t seem to be fully satisfied with her decision, but at least she had given in. She was white as chalk. She’d be busy planning the defence of Corouscant the next couple of hours, he knew. “But I want you to send a message to your father, before you throw yourself into battle again.” It wasn’t an order she was authorized to give, but he nodded nonetheless. She was right, after all.  
As she turned around to leave the room, he remembered something. “General Organa?”  
She stopped and turned back to him, facing him with a look of exhaustion on her face. “Yes, Commander?”  
“The Starfighters should be equipped with a self destruct, which can be triggered manually,” he said quietly, but without hesitation. Speaking his mind on this subject wasn’t easy, but he knew that it was the right thing. Something like this could never be allowed to happen again. “I know, that we’re not going on suicide missions, but...”  
It took a couple of moments for her to fully appreciate what he had said. There was no more incredulity in her gaze. No rejection of his suggestion. She nodded once more, then she turned around and left the room, leaving the door wide open.   
Poe followed her outside and as he saw the sleeping person sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs in the corridor, his heart skipped a beat and he broke into a wide grin. This probably wasn’t the appropriate moment for smiling like a lovesick idiot, but he couldn’t help himself. That was just who he was at that particular moment. Finn, he guessed, could not have slept much better than he himself over the last couple of weeks, if at all. Tentatively Poe bend over the sleeping man and put his hands on Finn’s warm cheeks. With a jerk Finn woke up and his eyes opened.  
“Poe?”, he croaked, voice still heavy with sleep. It was somehow deeper than usual. “What did she say?”  
Without answering at once he kissed Finn quickly. This wasn’t enough. It just wasn’t, but he felt like he didn’t have time for much more. Was this kiss going to be another farewell? Would they be separated again for another eternity? This was exactly what a kiss shouldn’t be. Not a farewell! It should be a promise. “The First Order is attacking Corouscant. I’ve got to go,” he whispered against Finn’s lips and regretted uttering these words even before he had brought out the last syllable. Not again! He couldn’t go through this again! But he had to. At the same time he’d rather die than give up on Finn altogether. “When this is over,” he said softly, “we’ll go to Yavin 4 for a couple of days.” He didn’t want to leave Finn here, not now, but he had no choice.  
Before he could straighten up again, Finn held on tight to his sleeves and pulled him closer, pressing his lips, hot and promising, against Poe’s. “Come back,” he urged him. “just hurry up this time around.”  
Poe blinked. Finn’s eyes seemed to encourage him, filling him with a warmth he would never have believed possible. His grin was very close to his past cockiness. “Always. As soon as I can. Somehow. I promise.” And he was almost sure that he could keep this promise. Somehow. If he had used up all his good luck, his bad fortune couldn’t be all that was left, he thought. He slid one hand behind Finn’s head, holding him tight, unable to break their eye contact. Slowly he approached Finn again. He’d leave after this one. Just one more.  
A barely contained scream made him flinch and his head whirled around. Only when he recognized the two women, standing there, not ten feet away from them, did he let go of Finn and stood up straight again. He had to smile despite himself and had to admit that he was relieved to see those two women standing in front of him in their flight suits.  
Karé Kun, her silvery blonde hair in a lose ponytail, stared at him open mouthed and Poe felt his cheeks grow hot as Jessika Pava seemed to force herself to move towards him and almost ran at him, throwing her arms around him. Not sure how to react, he returned her embrace. He had known her since he had joined the Resistance, had spend a lot of time with her and the other pilots, he was even glad to see her, but still... this felt unfamiliar. He let go of her and looked at Karé, who had put her hands to her hips and kept shaking her head incredulously.   
“How the hell did you get out of that one, Dameron...” Her deep voice revealed no surprise or any other emotion, but her eyes were fixated unblinking on him.  
Poe shrugged and shook his head. “Long story?” It was and he didn’t want to get into it again. Not now. He looked down at Finn, who returned his gaze with a miniscule smile before getting up and putting an arm around Poe’s shoulders possessively.   
Karé’s crooked grin made him feel slightly better. She wouldn’t ask any further questions. Not now. They didn’t have the time.   
Jess however didn’t appear to be satisfied with his answer at all. She raised her hand and hit him hard on the shoulder. “We had a damn memorial service, Dameron!” The pain in his shoulder faded away quickly, but he was unable to respond. Her fury was nothing compared to his regret.   
Poe nodded, incapable of speech and turned to face Karé, in an attempt to avoid Jessika’s blaring gaze. It only made him feel worse.  
“Don’t you look away from me!”, Jessika said, and Poe could practically hear the tears welling up in her eyes, but Finn threw her a warning look.  
Poe met Karé’s eyes. He had known her forever. He had been her squadron’s leader when Morap had been killed and she had been there when Muran’s fighter had been blown to bits. She had known Morap, had known about him and Poe. He felt the urge to tell her. To tell her about Morap. That Morap had defected from the First Order before joining the Republic. He wanted to tell her, who had known Morap, that he had met Morap’s brother, but the very thought made him feel that strap around his neck again. He shook his head.  
“I can’t tell you,” he said quietly, forcing himself to look at them as he spoke. No. He wanted to talk about Morap, but not about what had happened. Not even to Karé. He couldn’t face it. He didn’t want to go through this again. Finn knew. General Organa knew. That had to be enough. For now anyway.. “I just talked to General Organa. It seems like we’ll be leaving soon.”  
Jess shook her head decidedly, but she looked like she still couldn’t quite believe who was standing in front of her. “Now?”, Jess asked. “You don’t look too good.”  
Poe snorted. “Thanks for the compliment. I’ll be fine.” He looked at them, unsure on how to proceed. He had always talked to them more than anyone else in his squadron when they weren’t on duty and the thought that he had done no harm to them made him feel like a heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders. But then he remembered that they were heading for battle again and he felt sick to the pit of his stomach. “I’m sorry I failed you.” And he was. He was sorry and they probably didn’t even understand what he meant. But he knew that he had to tell them this anyway.  
Jess appeared to want to say something else, but held herself back. Her eyes told him that she wanted to know more, to question him further, but something seemed to hold her back. She threw a look at Karé and sighed. For a moment Poe thought she wanted to embrace him again, but she just folded her arms across her chest.  
“You had better buy us a drink, when we get back,” Karé said, patting him on the shoulder. With a meaningful look directed at Finn, she grabbed Jess by the arm and pulled her away.  
Poe looked after them for a moment, until they had vanished around a bend in the corridor. He combed one hand through his hair and then turned to face Finn again. He knew that he didn’t have a lot of time before he had to leave to fight the First Order again.   
Corouscant had been under consideration as the New Republic’s capital for a couple of months after the Empire’s defeat, but the affiliation with the Empire had been considered too strong. The fact that the Order now wanted to rebuild their regime from there was only too understandable. Corouscant had always been a blooming metropolis and it was no big secret that it still inhabited a lot of people who longed for the glorious days of the Empire to return. The former capital to the Republic and the Empire could not be allowed to fall into enemy hands. But in order to try and prevent that from happening he’d have to leave Finn.  
“Where will you be?”, he asked quietly. This time he had to know. He didn’t want to be forced to dwell on the thought of not knowing again if anything happened.  
“I don’t know,” Finn whispered. “I think Rey will be there on the Millennium Falcon and if she is I’ll be either with her or in the infirmary.” He shrugged.  
“Somehow I want to ask which you’d prefer, but I want to know the answer only when I see you again.” It felt like last time they had said goodbye. When Finn had made him promise to continue where they’d had to leave off. Somehow he wanted to leave a door open, to make him want to come back, to force him to do so. But if it never came to that, they’d both regret it.  
Finn shook his head. Their noses were almost touching and Poe could feel his warm breath on his lips. “I’m telling you now,” he said, as if he had read Poe’s mind. “I hate this war and I’ll be glad when it’s over. But until then I’ll do what I can.”  
Smiling slightly Poe pulled Finn even closer, so their chests were touching. It hadn’t been a precise answer to Poe’s question, but it was enough for Poe to reassure him of what he had already suspected: Finn was a good soldier, but he wouldn’t throw himself into battle just for the fun of it and that, Poe thought, was a huge relief. “I don’t want you to feel unsure about what you’re doing out there”, he whispered against Finn’s lips, fully aware that they didn’t have a whole lot of time, but he couldn’t pull away either. Not before he hadn’t said what he knew he must say. “But I love you and I want to see you again. Let’s make sure that happens?”  
Finn returned his gaze. His brown eyes appeared to be confused for just a moment, before he fully understood what Poe was telling him. It was as if no one had ever said these words to him, and that was probably true. But so was what Poe had said. They had barely spend time with each other, but the short while they had been together and even more, the time they had spent apart, had shown Poe more than anything else could have, how he felt about this man now standing so close to him. Without another word he pulled Finn’s face closer to his, pressed their lips together and felt his heart rate pick up as Finn returned the kiss. He needed no other answer from Finn.

***

What was left of the Republic’s navy was scattered all over the galaxy. Ships couldn’t be just pulled away from fighting the Order, or defending their assigned systems and moreover, a lot of worlds were unwilling to offer up help for this mission, thereby thinning out their own defences. They were at war and most people appeared to only consider their own safety.  
An so they were only twenty X-Wings of the Resistance, fifty of the Republic, three war frigates and a couple of ancient ships belonging to a couple of loyal systems, dropping out of hyperspace at the same time. Directly beneath them Poe could see the thin layer of clouds and smog covering the densely populated city, which stretched out over the entire planet. Corouscant had been under fire for a couple of hours now and the few ships of the Republic stationed in Orbit could barely keep their ground against the Order’s excessive firepower. Poe saw immediately how bad their odds actually were. His eyes flew to the ten Star Destroyers, three of them of the powerful Resurgent class, and the countless Tie-squadrons, which kept firing without pause at the attacking ships. There was already a massive amount of wreckage floating through space and Poe didn’t even want to think about the countless lives this battle had cost so far, or about who would be next. The display in front of him confirmed his suspicions that things weren’t looking too bright.  
He nodded when he heard Admiral Ackbar’s Order, sending the X-Wings in first and sped up immediately. Five X-Wings were directly behind him as he weaved through the field of wreckage, heading straight towards the Ties. “Let’s cause a bit of trouble.”   
The answers he received through the comm told him that they were all ready. It hadn’t remained a secret that he had returned to the Resistance. Of course it hadn’t. But fortunately, thanks to Karé and Jess, he hadn’t really surprised anyone by showing up in the hangar with Beebee-Ate at his side. Karé and Jess had told the other pilots, General Organa had informed the high ranking officers, but for now the information hadn’t breached the Resistance’s tight security. Not as far as Poe knew, anyway and he was grateful for it. For now he had had only to endure the euphoria of his comrades and the other officers and he had brought himself to send a message to his father. It had felt inappropriate to send this message, especially since a tiny projection wasn’t enough to express and show what he needed to convey. But still... he hadn’t wanted to let his father believe that he was dead. Organa had been right. Though now he thought, that no one could possibly know what might happen next.  
The Ties were already engaged in battle with A- and Y-Wings, which had been apparently stationed on Corouscant or onboard the Republic’s ships. With a sudden, sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he realized that whoever had been responsible for the defence of Corouscant should have seen this attack coming and should have increased the planet’s security. The thought of why he hadn’t made Poe feel sick.  
Poe headed straight for the Ties, which surrounded the Republic’s starfighters like swarms of insects and only when the X-Wings flew directly at them, did they scatter. But Poe still didn’t dare opening fire, afraid of hitting an ally by accident. Only when the Ties headed for different directions, obviously only to reform at different coordinates, did the Republic’s ships start firing at them. From the corner of his eye he saw the Falcon, followed by five X-Wings, head towards one of the Resurgent-class Star Destroyers and he felt, for a moment, like he had to join them. Finn was onboard the Falcon. Poe hadn’t asked, but knew that he was. Knew, that Finn wouldn’t stay out of this fight.  
He turned abruptly to the left as one of the Ties appeared in front of him out of nowhere and Beebee-Ate squealed hysterically in his earpiece. “I know, it was a close call. Sorry, buddy!” He couldn’t let himself get distracted. Over the comm he heard the squadrons coordinating the attack. One of the Republic’s ships was in trouble and in the very moment in which Poe managed to blow apart one of the Ties, as the cloud of debris scattered, he saw three Ties heading straight towards the Republic’s ship, one of them smashing directly into the ship’s command bridge. Cursing under his breath Poe pulled at the control stick abruptly, turning around and accelerating towards the newly formed Tie-squadron.  
“They’re reforming too quickly!” Karé said.  
“We need a new plan,” he answered, nodding. They alone had to deal with twenty Ties and Command was already putting through the first casualty reports.  
“Rogue Three and Five, Green Two and Blue One.” Ackbar’s voice betrayed no grief at all but Poe felt every call sign reverberate in his very soul.  
“Too many!”  
The Star Destroyers were too far away for the X-Wings at the moment. The Falcon, surrounded by small X-Wings, couldn’t get through to them either. The Ties didn’t only attack them in seemingly unbreakable units, but were also protecting the Destroyers like nothing else could have.  
“Poe, I need help!” Jess.  
“I see you!” He brought the ship around. Two Ties were close at her heel, weaving in and out of each other’s flight path, making it impossible for him to get a lock on them. They were too fast! Poe blinked, concentrating with all his might on the targeting computer and pressing his lips together as one of the Ties fired a shot, making Jess lose control over her fighter for a second, but her deflector shields held off most of the blast.  
“My astromech is gone!”  
“I can get them!” No. He couldn’t rely on the targeting computer. He never had and he shouldn’t fall back on it now. A pounding pain in his temple had started five minutes ago and was growing steadily worse. He wasn’t fit enough for this. Not ready for this mission. He realized it only now, but the adrenaline pumping through his veins kept him going. He took a deep breath. He should be able to do this! Even without the damn computer! He had to stop thinking and fly as he had always done. He could do it! And he could. When he hit the first Tie, he held his breath. When he obliterated the second, he was finally able to exhale again.  
“Thanks, Black Leader!”  
Poe was breathing heavily again and shook his head. A loud sound of protest by Beebee-Ate gave him a jolt and when one of his deflector shields gave out after a direct hit, he was tossed forward.  
“I’m on him!” Iolo.  
Poe hadn’t seen him. Hadn’t seen the Tie and had kept on flying in a straight line. “Damn it!” He pulled the control stick sharply to the right, then to the left and pulled up, trying to outmanoeuvre the Tie. One more hit and everything would be over. “Beebee, see if you can divert power to the shields.”  
A couple of binary sounds.  
“You’re the astromech, not me!” He immediately regretted snapping at the droid. It wasn’t Beebee-Ate’s fault. A pressure wave send him flying forwards in his seat once more.  
“He’s gone!”  
Poe exhaled. “Thanks, Iolo.”  
“Always at your service, Commander. We’re going to need you for a while to come. Wasn’t exactly fun without you.”  
Poe managed an involuntary laugh, which caught in his throat as he saw a Tie taking out an X-Wing directly in front of him. As quickly as he could he started following the enemy. Everything was fine. More or less. He was still alive, Beebee-Ate still intact. He only had to be more careful. A quick glance at the display in front of him assured him that Beebee-Ate had managed to reactivate the deflector shields, even if it was only at minimal capacity. They were badly damaged.   
Iolo and Jess flew right at either side of him, following the Tie, taking it out and returning to the heat of battle at once. Poe watched helplessly as one ship after another was taken out by the Ties. They didn’t have a chance. But they wouldn’t give up either. Not as long as any of them could still fly.  
A high pitched alarm sound made him flinch. The sensors had picked something up, but the salvos made it impossible for him to see what had happened. And he couldn’t concentrate on this. Not now. With a jerk he pulled his X-Wing to the side, barely missing a Tie, which was immediately taken out by Jess. His heart beat quickened as he saw two more Ties, shooting green laser beams at them, headed straight at him. His thumb was on the trigger and started shooting at the one on the right shortly before they passed each other and Iolo took the Tie out as soon as Poe was in the clear. Sweat was pouring down his face. The pain inside his head intensified with every minute this battle continued.  
“New ships just jumped out of hyperspace. They’re attacking the Destroyers!”  
“I see them!”  
“How many?”  
“No idea, too many to count them!”  
The voices coming through the comm were talking wildly, all of them speaking at once and Poe needed a moment, in which he focused on another Tie and pulled the trigger. He missed, only scraping the Tie, and only now did he understand what they were saying.  
“Who is it?”, he shouted and pulled his ship up again. The Republic’s fleet was greatly diminished. All the ships they had been able to mobilize were already here.  
The Tie’s pilot lost control of his ship and collided with one of his own squadron. Poe accelerated to get clear of the explosion. Beneath him he saw how close he had come to Corouscant’s atmosphere and quickly made to get further up into space. And then he realized, that they weren’t alone in this whole mess. From somewhere, somehow, an entire fleet had shown up to help.  
“This is Satora Heec!”  
The voice issuing from his earpiece gave him a start. And then he understood what was happening.  
“Let me guess, you need more help?”  
Poa laughed. He couldn’t help himself.  
“Who are you? Don’t get me wrong, but-“ General Organa.  
“They’re smugglers, General!” Poe interrupted her, sure that she’d be able to hear the grin in his voice. “The smugglers of Nar Shadaa.”  
“Dameron! I haven’t heard from you in a while!” Her saying his name over this open channel made him flinch. It was like she had shouted out his name and identity for the entire universe to hear.  
“Hello, Satora!” Despite his misgivings he felt a wave of relief wash over him. With the smuggler’s aid they stood a chance. And the smuggler’s hadn’t given up. Not all of them anyway.  
“We owe the Order!” Satora said and at that very moment one of the Star Destroyes, under heavy attack by the new alliance of smugglers and Resistance fighters, went up in a blazing cloud of fire.  
“That was the Vanquisher!”, announced Ackbar in a tone of triumph which made Poe gasp.   
The Vanquisher. Poe wouldn’t forget that name too soon. The face of a man swam before his eyes. Bendar... Morap... Meelan Bendar... Morap. He pressed his lips tightly together. So it was over. All over.  
Poe accelerated his starfighter once more, following one of the Ties. No. This wasn’t over. None of it was. This war was just beginning.


	16. Epilogue

“I, uh...”  
“Finn...”  
“Poe, I-“  
“It’s okay!” Poe smiled and put his hands on Finn’s cheeks, just as he had done after the battle of Corouscant. It had only been a day, but he still felt this immense sense of gratitude for being allowed to be this close to Finn. Shaking his head, he pulled Finn closer to him, gently brushing his lips against Finn’s and laughing softly when he hear the other’s sigh.  
Finn put his hands on Poe’s sides and drew closer to him, so their bodies were touching. Poe could feel that being this close to each other didn’t only evoke a reaction from his body. It was almost like they hadn’t just gotten up and put clothes on before landing on the planet’s surface.  
Grinning widely Poe wrapped his arms around Finn’s neck, softly tracing his tongue over Finn’s lover lip, begging for entry.  
A heavy bump against his legs broke off the kiss before it had even begun. Frowning Poe turned around at Beebee-Ate with a scolding look, who just bumped into him again. “You’re a jerk...”, he murmured and tipped his toe against the droid before looking back at Finn. Night had enveloped this part of Yavin 4 hours before and the synthetic light inside the cockpit made Finn’s face even more attractive somehow. Poe could see every detail, could count every single eyelash. Smiling he kissed Finn on the cheek. “But the jerk is right, I should go out.”  
“And I...”  
“You check the systems, before joining me,” Poe winked, remembering that Finn wanted to give him a minute before joining him and his father.  
Finn snorted. According to Rey he had handled himself well. Perfectly even.  
Poe bit down on his lower lip and took a step back, forcing himself to let go of Finn. He was nervous. More than nervous. When had he last seen his father? He couldn’t tell, but he knew that it had been when he had brought Polly here. “See you in a few, Finn.” He clapped his boyfriend on the shoulder and then turned around to walk down the ship’s narrow corridor. When he had landed he had spotted the house in which he had grown up immediately and he had seen that his father had come towards the ship, knew that he would be waiting outside.  
There was a thin layer of sweat on his palms, when he pushed the button, which lowered the ship’s loading ramp. He threw a quick look at the unmade bed in which he had spent the trip with Finn. How would his father react to Finn? Poe had no doubt that Kes Dameron would take a liking to the former Stormtrooper. Poe had announced that he’d bring somebody along, but his father hadn’t had time to respond to Poe’s message.  
His heart was beating fast again when he spotted the man at the bottom of the ramp, but Poe approached his father without hesitation. His eyes were burning with tears.  
“Poe...” Kes Dameron’s familiar voice caused his eyes to overspill.  
The tears were hot on his skin and he felt again like the eight year old boy who had thought the world had left him in shattering silence after his mother’s death. Before his father could see his tears Poe had wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in his father’s shoulder. “Hey, Dad...” he whispered hoarsely. He was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, this was it. I hoped you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I’m thinking about writing a sequel for the StormpilotBigBang, but it’ll be a long time before I can publish that story. I love Finn and Poe way too much to just abandon them and I think their story isn’t quite over yet.  
> If you have any requests or ideas/prompts for a story, don’t hesitate to contact me (either here or on my tumblr ( sourlander.tumblr.com or hux-the-coaster-lover.tumblr.com )  
> Please let me know what you think of this story! It would mean the world to me!!
> 
> Thanks for reading and sticking through thick and thin with Poe and me!
> 
>  
> 
> P.S.: I have started writing the sequel already. It is called "Home". If you're interested, there are also a couple of short fics on Meelan Bendar and his brother Morap and there will be more! ;)


	17. SEQUEL

Okay... you guys... sorry I'm adding this as a chapter, but maybe I can get to you this way.

If you liked this fic, let me tell you that Auroralynne and I are currently working on the sequel "Home". So far I have added 9 chapters to the fic and I'm currently working on chapter 15 and a short fic on Morap and Poe. There's still a whole lot more to come in this series and if you like, you can be a part of it... I mean... by reading :-D

 

I hope you have a great day!


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